If Your Narcissist Moved On, Gladly Pass The Baton


Just in case your ex-lover, specifically a Narcissistic Personality Disordered (NPD) man or woman, and his or her new love interest, are seemingly gloating and gushing their perfect match-made-in-heaven love, and posting away on social media, ad nauseam, before you could even say, “What just happened?”,  you may find yourself wondering where you went wrong.

With all of that residual brainwash, due to having been in a toxic relationship, who could blame you? Sure, you may suddenly become filled with loathing for both of them. That is a pretty common reaction. Just step back for a moment, and realize that the newbie is only the next target of your ex-narcissist. Due to the almost instantaneous nature of this happy new couple posting, you may possibly be viewing this newbie, as someone the narcissist cheated with, or just a no-girl-code/no-bro-code type, who cannot even wait for the smoke to clear, before diving in head first. With love posts so quick and obvious, and perhaps, friends who meant well, by pointing this out to you, you may be assuming they are now laughing at you and dancing in your humiliation, and other vain or very painful imaginings. How dare they be enjoying the “good stuff” that you had invested so much in, eh? “Send ’em both to hell in a hand-basket!” you say to yourself, as you sit home and seethe a bit…just a bit?

By discovering that the Narcissistic Personality disordered person has a distinct pattern, you can experience some relief.

Narcissists like to play this game. It is the perfect set-up for their new target. They love to play the victim of their previous relationships. They will attempt to get the new target to feel sorry for them. Chances are, yes, they may have been grooming this new source of supply while getting ready to jump ship from your relationship before you could rid them yourself. The more they can convince the new target how awful a person their ex was, the more the new target will try to prove that they are nothing like the ex. Classic manipulation tactics are employed by the NPD person. The new target will want to prove they are the woman/man the narcissist deserves and can provide the right kind of love that the “poor” narc has been searching for. With other tactics such as Love Bombing, the new target may think, as you did at one time, that they have just struck gold. Little do they know.

Or, the narcissist, needing to keep his/her facade of greatness intact, will not want the target to think that he/she would be so dumb, as to date such an “awful” person. So, instead of belittling their ex to their new target, this narc may say their ex was a good person, just not “the one,” thus, giving more hope or challenge to the new target to gain their affection and be the coveted “one”. That is narc speak, and just another way of saying, that their ex started becoming wise and began to challenge the narc’s games and BS, and therefore, they weren’t the “right one”. It is key to understand the patterns of the NPD person and spot the red flags.

The often compassionate, and co-dependent new target, wants to believe that they are the “one” to fix the heart of the seeming treasure (the narc in sheep’s clothing) and make his/her life so much better than their ex or exes did. The narc assures the target that they are different from all the rest, placing them on an instant pedestal, and the target cannot help but believe it is the truth because they are being showered with love, constant attention, flattery, and adoration, at least for now. This is a well-honed skill or “trait” of the narcissist.

Even still, self-doubting or negative thoughts may permeate and pollute your mind, despite you knowing that the new target has inherited a phony, manipulative liar, who is full of empty promises. You may still wonder what does the new one have that I don’t? Was I really not good enough? Was it me? Why do they look so on top of the world when I feel like crap? I thought I was the good guy here! Does the new one think I am a horrible person? Gosh, they seem so in love… and on and on. This is exactly what the narc wants you to think. He/she has conditioned you to believe that everything wrong was your fault and that you were not good enough. This may keep you weak or off-balanced enough for you to consider seeing him or her again in the future, as a backup plan. Don’t go there, not even for a nanosecond!

There is hope, yet! Before you go drown yourself in beer flavored ice-cream, or worse, react out loud and make a real fool of yourself for nothing, realize that the new target is actually in the same sinking boat as you were in, and it may only be a matter of time before you get your confirmation. Understand that the narc is highly unoriginal in the patterns they employ and would repeat them on a dog or a mouse, given the chance. Their disorder should include the words Master Manipulator. They did it to you. It was not personal. They will continue to live via these patterns, with or without you. This is the NPD, sadly. They have no empathy for others. It is a shallow and desperate existence, which is why they project this on others. They attempt convincing us that we are the same as they are because misery does indeed, love company.

The following excerpt is an (edited-to-protect-identities) actual exchange between two women, that shared a relationship with the same Narcissistic Personality Disordered person, one after the other. My good friend, we shall call “Debbie” received an unexpected email from a woman, we shall call her “Amanda”, who was currently dating Debbie’s, ex-boyfriend for the past year. He had a history of manifesting classic NPD traits of manipulation and using others for his own advance.

Debbie had invested her life in this man for nearly a decade until she finally walked away, and in 2012, wrote him quite the kiss-off email, and ended the relationship. In her email, she called him out on various abuses and how he had used her financially and emotionally, including how he used everyone who cared about him, all the while criticizing them behind their backs. She chastised him for always seeking to have his self-serving way with unusual solutions, saying he would only get worse, should he continue in this way.

In the classic narc allure, the beginning of their relationship was wonderful. Debbie was instantly attracted to his good looks, charm, high aspirations and promises of their ideal future together. That is until his mask came off, and he was exposed for who he really is.

Serendipitously, the current girlfriend, Amanda, somehow discovered the kiss-off email Debbie had sent to her ex-boyfriend and emailed her at once, thanking her for the letter that guided her to the decision she knew she had to make, and finally gave her the courage to make it.

The letter started off like this:
“Hi, My name is Amanda, and I hope this email brings you some peace just as yours did for me today. I have been Rick’s girlfriend for a year now, and nobody could possibly know what I have been through until I came upon an email you sent him back in 2012. It described exactly what has been going on with me and has given me the courage to end this totally dysfunctional relationship that I have allowed to destroy me for a year.

As you know better than I, he has the ability to take whatever gut feeling, instinct or woman’s intuition I had and turn it around to make me feel sorry for him. You were right in your letter when you said nothing would change for him, he is still using women. He has used my home, car, and everything I own without offering a dime to help out. I have bought him phones, clothes, food, and paid all expenses without so much as him saying thank you. He recently received some unexpected EDD money and acted as if he was still broke and let me pay for everything….”

“It broke my heart to know someone I loved and cared for thought so little about me. He could talk me into believing everything within minutes, and if I said anything about anything, I was so verbally abused and manipulated, I just shut down…”

“I am sure you already know you made the right decision, but I wanted to reinforce that by letting you know nothing has changed with him and thank you for writing that letter so God could lead me to it for the guidance I needed…”

Thank you and God Bless,

When my friend, Debbie, shared Amanda’s email with me, my heart instantly ached for this woman, and the pain she had endured, but I thought, what an amazing gift Debbie had unintentionally given to Amanda, a gift of validation, that possibly saved her from so many more years of pain and humiliation. Ironically, Amanda gave Debbie a gift too –the gift of the confirmation that a narcissist, just like a leopard, never changes his/her spots. He/she does not suddenly become this new, amazingly changed person, although outward appearances or social media and gossip may suggest otherwise.

And it may be just plain ole’ unfair, at how it seems the narcissist easily moves on, and seduces a new target with his/her tactical charm, and rehearsed lies, and gets away with his/her behavior, while nobody is none the wiser. Do not buy into it! So many people have received warning messages. The problem is, usually when the message from the ex arrives,  it’s too late –the damage has been done! But would we have believed these messages if we received them during the Idealization/Honeymoon phase? Probably not, as the Narcissistic Personality Disordered person has already primed us, or its new targets, to believe whatever they feed us. Because this level of manipulation is such as the professional con job, we are not likely to suspect we are walking right into the trap, as we take the bait.   

To follow up with Debbie’s story, she had replied to Amanda’s email with the following, and wished to share some of the content with us, in hopes of making a difference and/or confirming someone else’s experience.

“Wow! Dearest Amanda,  

Thank you for reaching out! I am so very sorry you went through a living hell and total humiliation (yes, we have that nightmare in common despite how smart we really are!). You did not deserve such pain and disrespect when all you were trying to do is love someone. BUT, don’t get bitter about love because that could be just around the corner for you. First thing, is give all that love you gave to him to YOUR OWN SELF! The narcissist is incapable of real love (dang, we could have sworn it was real, eh?) and people are merely things to be used by them. Do not ponder on the why’s or what’s. It is like trying to understand why a scorpion has stung you after you have loved it like a pet. Why did it sting me? Um, because it is what it is!

It seems after the honeymoon is over they are only capable of loving themselves, and anyone else in the wings they may be performing for. Yah, it sure sucks, and makes it harder to let go, when they are good-looking physically, and know all the right things to say. Then our egos are willing to get back into the ring. But that’s what it becomes –a ring where one just takes more beatings. We have our personal issues that keep us going back for continual punishment, but also bear in mind that truly good-hearted people go back because they can’t comprehend that ANYONE could actually be like that, and they make us feel genuinely loved at times. He may try to contact you again because you were sugar momma, the supplier, or enabler, and he has no shame. And as it has always worked on you before, he knows there is always a good chance it will work on you again. PROTECT YOURSELF!!

Sad to say, we all get weak, or relationship amnesia sets in, or miss people eventually, and I am so glad I have not made the mistake of letting this one back into my universe. I was actually beginning to think he was an old “friend” that I could grab a coffee with if I were to run into him, and then you sent me this amazing communication, along with my letter to him –BOOM! I think we just helped each other out by reinforcing the reality of the situation with that one. So, cue the theme song from Rocky! I need you to be in top shape to handle it fearlessly or with a yawn when the time comes. You have greatness within you, and this will continue to be robbed from you unless you take an active role in strengthening your body, mind, health, emotion, and so on. 

THANK YOU AGAIN FOR WRITING! You are not alone, and our precious, unique, one-of-a-kind boyfriend (EX) really turned out to be a DIME A DOZEN! Kudos to you for doing your detective work and finding me! Now continue to find yourself back. I am here anytime!
xoxo Debbie :)”

So, the next time you shed a tear, or start to miss your ex, or boil under your skin over your ex’s new, highly praised love interest, just remember that you were once in their shoes, enjoying the honeymoon phase, perched high up on your pedestal, perhaps directly or indirectly making somebody else nauseous, and one day they will, unfortunately, find themselves drowning in the same ocean you once were. Despite all appearances, a narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist. So let them gloat and gush and have their 15 minutes, while you never let ’em see ya sweat. Take this true story, between Debbie and Amanda, as your own confirmation. Focus on loving you. This is your opportunity to gladly pass the baton, rejoice in your new found freedom. Be humbled and thankful that your ex has found another source of supply, so you can be free to move on, smile again, love again, and dance like no one is watching.

This article was co-written by Bree Bonchay with Izzy Micheo



 Bree Bonchay, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with over 18 years of experience working in the field of mental health and trauma recovery. She specializes in helping people recover from toxic relationships and shares her insights about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and psychopathy in her blog FreeFromToxic. Her articles have been featured in major online magazines and she has appeared on radio as a guest expert. She is also a dedicated advocate, educator, and facilitates survivor support groups and workshops.


Copyright © 2015 Bree Bonchay. All Rights Reserved

35 thoughts on “If Your Narcissist Moved On, Gladly Pass The Baton

  1. Thank you for sharing this!!! <3
    Sure wish one of the the other women he triangulated with contacted me – it is frustrating that he gets freeway to continue the game. Feels like I have to go on with gaffatape on my mouth. Hard -even sitting back with popcorn as you wrote..knowing the outfall. I wish everyone could just talk too each other – feels like he still have control by all this smoke and deceit. why do I even care? I feel mad and confused – it can not be talked about!
    Im not used to not speak out -when knowing truth about something unfair…. I dont want to hurt him actually, but sure would like to be a part of exposing him at least a bit.
    …I first now know what he did – the last day, that made me feel like my mouth is taped and glued and gone.
    The master manipulator….I had made my decision even I loved him – I COULD NOT continjue the engagement, totally heartbroken, exhausted, emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual, verbal and sexual abused by the charismatic charmful manipulative clown I gathered strengt and – calmly said : I want to end our engagement.
    Here is what happened next:
    He was sitting in his sofa, he quicly first tured away thinking for a second, then first said :" So…should it happen this fast…..hmmm… is it another way we can have a relationship?…that not so close maybe?…
    He was still looking away like mumbling this.
    I felt …compassion and love and serious sadness and said quiet… no, we can not. You see, I still am so attracted to you and I still am in love with you, I can not talk or seek you again, because I know I know I would just go straight to bed with you. Im so tied and exhausted, and I want no contact to be able to stop.
    (…It was the last silent treatment, the couples straight words of " GET OUT etc etc.. and my therapists words too that made me find strength to even say I want out…. and this last year, I had studied him, he acts like a true N….I read about the blueprint og our relation on internet forums, I just had to realize I would not change ever. Hard.
    The last silent treatment, for the first time I did not care much, only felt sad he used the tactic again, so instead of confusing about that -I used the week to breathe and calm the now actual hearth unregular heart rhythm I got ..and when his text entered again – and I felt anxiety and got instant diarrhea – I KNEW I HAD to exit!
    I did not want to – he is ofcorse also the charmer, I loved the illution I thought was my man…I didn't know someone IS faking love, I hadn't yet started to wrap my head around that, I didn't hava any word for THAT, I had to get out, the manipulation felt like physical beatings right in my gut.)
    THEN suddenly he turned towards me looking very hard, really intensly like a stone face – like a volcano soon going to burst. And said the thing that I now finally 4 months later actually suspect was just another example on – HOW fast this manipulator thinks…like how did he manage to get up with this lines so quicly -the 15 -30 seconds he turned away?? Or had he prepared for it all along? Most likely…
    The mindfuckery talent he has is scarely good, or at least I worked very well on NAIVE me.
    The mindfucker used my maybe one BIG fear on me, did NOT matter he knew I was half dead!
    He really very totally rubbed and rubbed it in my face – in a so mean raging way…I didn't even realize I was crying in the end…… :0
    AND truth is – I didn't actually know it was my one BIGGEST fear – before NOW -long after, and after working extremely hardt and studying the tactics, the NPD and myself too.
    HOW did HE know my fear better than MYSELF???
    Wow wow wow! Yes, he PERPLEXED me again, a big way this time.
    And it atleast teached me about myself and my fearissues! But WOW!!

    You see…. I AM a quite strong woman away from him…..and I will get back to myself now when NO contact…I am kind, have love and empathy, I like truth, have two empatic kids and a small granddaughter, took the education I wanted, like my job, have real friends, loves peace but usually do speak up when I see unfairness, love animals, Am spiritual and I DO have a very well working intuition that I conspired against as long as I could – and learned my lesson about NEVER doing that aging too…yes this relationSHIT made me deal and know myself in a whole other level, ..So Im not going to be bitter at all.
    So… even I do feel Im a bit strong – My scars is that I was the scapegoat in the family, and I met a manipulative old and creazy pedophile as a kid. I got strengt by reporting and putting the man away, and later As grown I have surely used time and money to worked THREW it – I am not afraid of sex or men, I dont fall easily in love -but when I do I give the heat and effort, and dont quit for nothing…..but I realize NOW after this N – my FEAR is that other should see me as a victim!!!!!! And I didn't really know that!
    Yes I can tell about it because I acknowlegded it- but it IS over -and I feel I live well, it is NOT something I whine about AT ALL!!
    But this N…my love the last 4 years….. he must have tapped into my unconscious – I do today think he all along or quite early did KNOW my fear better than myself, thats mind-blowing for me to realize.
    Yes, he just MUST have known it, and seen my actually strongness too and just enjoyed to break it down. What a SADIST!
    But OK – the aftermath of this -will be then as puzzle myself together again -changing worldview- take the solid peaces and and put them together and look look look at the rest until it all comes clear and also immune against manipulators on the whole!!
    It is NOT going to ruin my life!

    So THATS why HE asked and asked about my past, …I thought he was good then, thought it would make him share too, I thought we was about to get to KNOW EACHOTHER..
    After the shook of what he said ( coming soon) – I now have gone threw this years..And I know I never whined or requested sympathy for my stories. I simply told the facts and why I had some boundaries.
    I also really do KNOW that those stories doesn't define me, that I didn't whine or anything, that it IS delth with, that I dont feel like a victim and also that it was HE that kept on coming back to it… just liked he enjoyed to hear it again…
    yes ofcousre THATS also must have been why, my past – was what he asked me about the night before his one hour alone with ore couple therapist !..Yeah, he already asked in his sneaky chess mate way before our first session there: "If I could maybe please not tell the therapist about his issues..because it was so private, and he felt so shameful and noone knew, and he has so much shame about that -so he would be SO grateful if I maybe could just drop his issues, could I -pleace? He would be SO grateful if I could just not tell, and just wanted me to know that!"

    So after telling a bit after all the 3. session, because the therapist said she could maybe not help us… she gave us a hour there alone.
    Then he said the day before my hour, also that time surprisingly suddenly angry he said:
    " WELL, now the CAT is OUT of the bag- now you can just as well TELL it ALL!! – But KNOW – THEN I also WILL tell ALL about YOU!!!"
    ..I said, thats quite ok, because I stand for all of it, all said and done I can in difference to you stand for."

    …The therapist had the verbs for it, and had courage to almost shout GET OUT and why too -so I had to wake up.
    Anyway, now come what he said when I broke the engagement ( Thank you for the opportunity to get it OUT)
    He turned around – the volcano face and said to my surprise then:
    It had been HORRIBLE for him to be engaged to me -he felt it was a thread from his ring to my victim status from the past!!
    I tried to say anything but he talked over and very loud and hard continued:
    That " You always walk around feeling as a VICTIM!"
    Me: What ? I dont feel like a victim!..
    HE: "OH YES tou FEEL like a VICTIM!
    Me..I do not feel like..
    You walk around carrying ALL your suffering in a FRUIT BACET – ALWAYS showing up – to EVERYONE!! But mind MY WORDS -I REFUSE!! I REFUSE to be a THOPHY you put on your PAIN shelf!!! I – REFUSE to be put up there as yet another pain thorphy!!
    What?? ..I realised tears stramed – I could not blink or talk -I was totally perplexed !
    ..He continjued – remember the night you talked about your mother?!?!?!
    Yes… ( the night he questioned me before his alone session at the copletheraphist….acting quite normal and fine when I explained I now protect myself a bit from her -dont want to be the one she mobs anymore – so when Im there I imagine a shelter between us.. I think it is working quite fine..)

    He said: Well when you told about how you feel about your mother – I felt SICK!! Sick – real SICK like Throwing UP!!!
    What? Why? …Even I have that protection teknic – I DO also care about her!!! ..
    -HE: NO YOU do NOT care about her!
    ..me: yes I actually do, I also will feel sad when she dies, I do care (really cryong by now) , I just won't put up with her nonsense – bit I care..
    HE: NO NO NO You dont!!!! She is you MOTHER !!! You just do not keep distance to you mother- you do not care- and as I said – I refuse to be in your pain FRUIT basket – I refuse to be shown off as another scar in your victimhood. I REFUSE to become your THROPHY!!!"

    :`( ….. When he stopped…I explained with examples a few of his disrespectful, hurtful, minfuckery, triangulations and plain out lies and said – this is why I dont want to be engaged to you -it has nothing to do with my past.
    And since you have no interest in actually look on yourself with a open mind, it can't be only me all the time, it can't be only me going to a therapist- we both have issues, therapy is only enlightening, and…
    He interrupted : WHAT ?? HE was THE MOST openminded person of ALL in his circle – he was know for his openmindedness – so what did I say? That HE want OPENMINDED??
    ….I said, very slowly but sincere…."But it is more like a clown, nothing ever changes … I, Think, you, are, a charming, manipulator."

    Ok I took the ring off, we wnt to 2 last sessions in coupletheraphy…..and he looked so squeezed and in true pain in the end… no I didt feel that was a real tear, he was mostly just very exposed and in tantrum he couldn't talk the therapist around… nor did he get to exuse in the sessions the examples I gave…. Like when I said..listen This or that was hurtful for me…. when he tried to laugh and said hello- THAT WAS a JOKE!! , I did say Im sorry …and askes the theraphist .haha it was a JOKE -let me explain…
    The WICE therapist just said: NO you do not get to explain it.
    Well I see now hoe he just exposed himself in those hours.. mamma mia – I could write a book of his idiot excuses.

    The FRUITBASCET vision he paintet I always carrie , the words about how- I FEEL -like a vicim, collecting scars …
    I see that now -as a vey infame way me -binding my mouth – head and person in gaffatape!
    Sure as hell a tactic for getting away from his any expose, no bad word about his ABUSE thank you and fuck off you unimportant little idiot that is used up long ago. I did not love you, but sure as hell it was fun to see how perplex I had you for 4 years -I m GOOD! IM the BEST! IM GOD!!
    Be silent, little cow. I only did engage – because my fasade eared on it, It made me look stable after the married woman affair in between, an it was useful you were so totally fucking stupid you swallowed my bullshit – … haHAHAaaa you idiot -you didn't even realize I fed you poison — you fool you didn't even notice I connected the food wire into you wain- so I didn't even need to feed you – it was installed an ON even when I was long gone!! hahaha you foolish human beings! What a flock of gullible sheep!! wow you love people really ARE dumb. I disgust you.
    Well, now listen closely here is what you shall do: Look me in the eyes and repeat after me word by word: I am never going to tell anyone anything -except flattery! about XXX. I will never open my mouth about what happened. I am going to worship and love and miss the wonderful openminded interesting XXX. And I shall quietly sit and smile until the day I die.

    I got to realize this after 4 moths no contact…. because I was feeling like trapped.
    I had to really look inside, an yes…I dont want the victim stigma…. I can't talk about it because people would maybe think I only self-pity myself.
    But I'm only MAD – no self-pity – Im now only really angry.
    And I take it as a lesson…
    I will find my way to get rid of the gaffa feeling, do not think I will slander about him – but sure as the hell his actions are from – I WILL tell eksamples of why I left in the end.
    So the jerk absolutely – did not totally protect himself….. after all he didn't kill me and he only used
    gaffa tape the idiot- by time it weakens!

    THATS is why he pretends now, and hasn't taken away " Engaged " yet on Facebook…. he is scared as hell!!
    He will absolutely do anything in his power to keep me wonder why about things…. and this status is just another example of that.

    ……Yes, I has exposes him, I will never ever return to him and the charm camuflaged terror.
    I not self pitying at all – he do not get to tell me what I feel anymore.

    Thank you for listening to my too long story.
    Thank you for this helpful site!!

  2. This helps. While progressing, Im stuck on that very thought. You see, she moved on with an old college friend, facebook friends and lives locally. The thought of running into them keeps me a prisoner to my house. But this does help, knowing that its not all sunshine and unicorn farts. He may be a bigger jerk than her!! Anyway, thank you for this blog. Its helped.

    1. get off social media! its an illusion, fake!
      force yourself to go forward, the NARC just kps going, nvr stops
      supply, supply, supply for what thy need at the moment…
      hard yes but, truth!!!
      be strong, heal
      all that GLITTERS isn’t gold, know that!!!!

      1. My narcopath – two years on
        He acquired a new woman to punish me for going no contact, however he emailed me three months into his ‘new relationship’ as if I was still his girlfriend. Swinging between love & hate.

        He had posted his new relationship all over his social media knowing my friends would see it, they said nothing at the time which helped me gain composure.

        I joined Facebook myself a year later & he then began contact on the site, monitoring me, love & hate bait, excuses , illness , marriage proposal the works. Predicable hoovering techniques are employed . It has been more than two years of his contacting me, I get post & visits if I block him.

        He has a glorious tricky situation, his new girlfriend is below his ‘standard’ bust used to punish me, but unlike me she is very public and made sure to be connected to his family & friends on social media. The whole thing is too public, embarrassing.

        I noticed that as I began to secured my privacy, he had less to talk about to me, at the same time she was literally mirroring my posts about two days after I’d post she did the same identical thing. My friends are all ironic but hers aren’t so they didn’t create the amusement in my interactions .
        Both of them are mirroring me, my pictures, my page, activity, photo style.

        They are both faking their relationship, both are duplicating my page, my clothing style and tastes..how creepy is that oh and he’s been attempting to meet up with me for two years sending me love letters & gifts.


  3. This is literally my life right now…my narc wife of 14 years and i are divorcing…I am out of the house, THAT I STILL PAY FOR but am not allowed in. Every time i either pick up or drop off my children, He is there…She even had the nerve of bringing him to one of my daughters sporting events last week….Old HS friend, divorced two years ago with a 6 year old son…when he popped into our life two years ago, didn’t think much of it…nice guy, gets us tickets to his companys box for sporting events etc.

    That was the beginning of the cultivation and triangulation!

  4. I am going through this right now, with the new love being thrown in my face via Social Media! Latlely, he has been checking in with his new “Soulmate” at all of the places he and I used to go which is over 30 miles away from where they live. I just don’t get it??? If he and his new love are so happy, why try to hurt me like this??? Crazy…😞

  5. I’m still shedding tears. We just want to be loved and it’s insane the things we put up with for companionship. In 2012 my exams husbands and I had a legal seperatn we got back together and my love and my kids git worse.. My ex ended up with a old friend of mine. And in result that coward signed rights to a baby that is not his and while protecting my two babies from his high ramag be day cps became involved and because of having a low income a illigeal a case before when I went to the hospital for postpartum help and my childhood history and that skankif his have you found somebody charges you being on felony probation my rights were took and they have been thrown into Foster care..because jealous sister called CPS and had them come get my kids. It’s been a year since I’ve seen heard or held my kids. The past two years has been pure hell for me I’ve been homeless they first year beaten batteling a addiction the only thing that helps the pain… While he is finishing u a 2yr jail sentence an that hussey is shacked u in my three bedroom beck home driving my car. The past two year idk how im still alive. But I have sat and told my self many times the same saying . A leopard never changes his spots.. I know in January when he my exhuaband gets home the honeymoon stage will start again and once the wedding is over karma will take over. But I didn’t realize how my current relationship is the same thing almost. A childhood friendship the boy I knew has done three prison sentence and bit wanting to repeat the same crap when I get to leave his sharp mouth keeps me here. I he no one but Junkie mother. I’ve been told stop being so hard on myself and all I need is me to over myself.. But people that shits hard to do when your worlds been took like mine has.. Everything I try to do to better me it’s he’d vibe my head in some way… Tell me how do I love me….

  6. This sounds like my ex to a “T” . So sad we do so much for these Narcs. I’m only 8 weeks NC and still find I’m struggling. Reading how they never change gives me some peace. Stay strong.

  7. This was awesome… Thank you… My ex has done this with every women. I don’t want to call him a narcissist but he used his new gf to get a car after both the ones i cosigned for him were repoed and in the divorce i had to fight for them to be paid off by him. He’s just not smart financially but i hope he learns something but it doesn’t seem that’s the case

  8. I blocked him and his New Supply. as soon as I found out about her, which was the day after I broke up with him because I’d had it with his emotional abuse. She knew he was in a relationship and started sneaking around with him while we were still together anyway, so even though I know what she’s in for, it’s hard for me to feel sorry for someone who has as little integrity as she clearly does.
    I don’t know what’s going on with either of them and don’t want to know or care, I’m just really happy to have that soul-sucking vampire out of my life. If she ever contacts me all I have to say to her is thanks.

  9. My exN did leave me for another…but would not stop contacting me…I finally blocked him in every possible way and even went as far as to tell his new supply “Please tell ______ to stop contacting me…thank you” and then blocked her as well. He’s her problem now and I already see how the relationship sped forward…what took us years to build up to, they already have in less than 2 months. His last contact with me did express that he felt it was moving too fast…that he still loved me…had second thoughts about leaving…and that is when I put all the blocks in place and messaged her…the only way he can contact me now is if he ends it with her and can prove it..and that’s only if I unblock him anyway lol

  10. My ex narc girlfriend discarded after 5 years with my 5 year old son,I saw her after 3 months and pretended to be happy,I know the truth although she never admitted to any thing,she use to call me and using my son as reason for her calling,but now 6 months and she stopped calling at all, why is that? All everything she just gets to go on living a sick life with my son? That hurts the most but I have to trust God more to lift me up.

  11. Thank you for these articles. The Articles give me a lot of insight, and they describe my experience exactly! I wish I would have seen these 4 years ago, BEFORE I lived with my Narcissist, and his narcissistic evil elderly Mother who constantly picked on me. I felt like Cinderella, but my boyfriend was NOT the Prince. They both ganged up on me.

    He also was sneaking around with his Ex wife. (Texting, messages back and forth, phone calls, and caught him sleeping over at her house.) He told me that they were ONLY Friends, that I was INSECURE, NEEDED TO SEE A SHRINK, THAT I HAD “”ISSUES””,That I “READ MORE INTO IT THAN WHAT IT WAS.”

    I left him Last Year, and I have been struggling with “WHAT IF’s”… “WAS HE RIGHT?” …WAS ALL MY FAULT?” …”WAS I TOO SENSITIVE?”

    Thank you for validating my instincts. Now I KNOW that I made the right choice by getting out of that situation.

    1. Noooo-you weren’t overreacting!! I had the EXACT SAME issue with my POS EX NARC! Totally crammed up his ex wife’s @ss texting back and forth upwards of 30 times a day when he couldn’t message me ONCE!! Went through his phone and found them everyday. Said he NEVER talked to her… AND he was sneaking around to hang out with her because I followed him-and she knew damn well I was LIVING with him!! I hate them both more than anything!!!

  12. Thank you. I will read and re-read this as and when I need to. This has addressed everything I needed help and understanding with, having found out my ex NPD partner is in the throes of a relationship with new fiancé. What makes it particularly hard is a wee 2yr old girl he had with me but doesn’t bother about. I hope new lady will see his true colours before she has a child with him too.

  13. I absolutely love this article. My husband left me and in two weeks he had another girl. Was talking about moving in with her and starting a new life. Divorce papers hadn’t even been filed. I blamed myself, told myself it was my fault. But reading this… makes me realize it isn’t me. Unfortunately I cannot cut all contact because I am pregnant with his child, but I wanted to let you know it helped me a lot. I was feeling low, and he kept throwing in my face how he is going up to see her. But now I realize, that maybe I wasn’t the problem. He took everything from me til I had nothing. He has everything. But at least I can have some sort of peace 🙂

  14. OMG! This is exactly what I’m going through. My ex-husband was incredibly abusive and manipulative. It was a terrible, terrible relationship that stripped me of my dignity and self-esteem. I felt like nothing and no one would ever love me. He would say all manner of horrible things about my appearance that I cannot fathom coming out of the mouth of someone that is supposed to love you. Like saying that he’s glad our daughter didn’t get my looks. Or when I was pregnant, saying he realized I was pretty and wouldn’t mine having kids with me. Like what did he think of me before??? He would say that I looked nice and then, follow it up with I was finally not embarrassed to be seen out with you. Just so many awful things. On top of that, his mother abused and bullied and manipulated us both and he was so much of a mama’s boy that he did not stand up for me at all. Or even himself. She would spit on him and hit him and try to push him into buying things for her, like a house or co-signing on a car. I think I stayed so long partly because I was trying to save him. When the relationship started, I saw a really talented and smart guy and as we ended up living with his abusive mom (at first to get on our feet post college and then, to help her out post-divorce), he turned into a completely different person. Full of rage that was so dark that one day when I came home late from my mom’s, I found him sitting on the couch, looking at me with murder in his eye. He told me later that he was scared himself with how much he wanted to physically hurt me. He would always talk about his plans for cheating on me. Telling me I would just have to accept it. Trying to make me think that sex did not mean love and that even if he was sleeping with someone else, he would still love me. He even tried to get me to consider having multiple wives. On top of that, he made so many poor financial decisions. Quitting job after job after job after job that I helped him get and leaving me to support us both financially. And then, he would complain about the way I dressed but I wanted to dress better but we had no money because he kept quitting jobs. I put him through school. And he wasted the education. I paid for just about everything and was primary on every loan and apartment we got. I helped him pay down all his debts. And still, on Mother’s day, he complained about me to everyone that would listen (incredibly humiliating and people had to tell him to stop) because I wasn’t better at providing for him financially. And because I wouldn’t move our daughter across the country with no job to live with his drug addict friend and another man that neither really knew. He was so cruel. There would be days I’d wake up wondering if he was gonna love me that day or not. And when he didn’t it was always for something trivial. Me getting a drink that he didn’t get even when everything in the house food-wise was practically for him. Giving him a fork instead of a spoon. He would stop talking to me for weeks at a time and purposely deny me affection, keeping his body way from him in disgust. I really got to the place when I was washing his dirty underwear where I thought that this is the best that someone like me could do. I was ready to go on living life that way for the rest of my life until God called me out of it. I felt a tugging so strongly in my spirit to leave that I know it couldn’t have been anyone but God. I cried for days. I did not want to leave but I knew I had to go. If not for me, then, for my daughter who had become increasingly uncomfortable with her father and refused to be left alone with him (and she was only 2 – so much smarter than mommy). I am so incredibly grateful that my mom and stepfather were there to take us in and help us heal. But boy oh boy, did my ex try to lure me back in, especially when he hit financial hardships and found his money didn’t stretch as far as he thought it would. He ended up back on his mom’s couch, which I thought was funny given he spent so much time saying nasty things about me because I forced him to move out of his mother’s filthy house, into a nice clean apartment where our daughter could grow up. His mom would call to guilt/con him. Saying her life was so much harder now that we were not there to pay half her rent so she could buy flat screen tvs and $200 dollar wigs. And he would fall for it and shift the blame to me. Every time we had reached a breaking point, he would try to lure me back in with empty promises, dates that never happened, counseling he never went to, growth that never happened and in a week, we’d be back there at the breaking point. So when he started making overtures, I shut him down. And his overtures became more and more manipulative, laced with guilt and a way of talking designed to make me feel sorry for him and guilty at the same time. And when that didn’t work, he would say awful things like I’m a gold digger and that he didn’t love me and never did. So I eventually divorced him and I thought I was over it until he mentioned a girlfriend. It bothered me on some level, which startled me. I started trying to see if I wanted him back, even though I didn’t. I toyed around with it until he completely shut me down and said he was happy with his new girlfriend. Even though he had just told me that he thought I was sexy and I had all the features he liked. And that he still loved me and would never exalt another woman over me. He said he didn’t want to cheat on her and do her wrong, the same way he was a gentleman with me. LOL! I laughed. This coming from the man I caught flirting in chat rooms and who was webcamming with some girl. I called four psychics before I spoke to him and they all were incredibly accurate as to the kind of person we both were and why we fell apart. And they said while he still loved me and would remarry me, he would choose the girl because she would put up with his mess and I wouldn’t. The changes I would ask him to make to himself that would better him, he would not make them because deep down, he feels he did nothing wrong and I see that in his narrative. When he starts down memory lane and starts repainting himself as a victim. Someone who got left for no reason. I think I realized that it wasn’t him I wanted but a relationship. That my heart was open to it. So I may start exploring the world of dating. As for the girl, all four of them said that I should feel sorry for the girl. That she has low self-esteem and will put up with all of his mess and that is why he would choose her. That they don’t really love each other and how can they when a narcissist can really only love himself. So, yeah, I’m glad he and I didn’t progress any further. Although I felt like a fool for considering going back. But that’s how the narc’s operate. They make you look foolish to boost their ego.

  15. I blindly dealt with a narcissist for 13 months and it was the biggest waste of time of my life. He was perfect at first until later..of course I made my own mistakes but he was a very unforgiving and blamed me for everything and couldn’t take what he dished out. He was very disrespectful became distance and wanted to spend less time and me feel bad about myself always saying I’m a bad person when I try so hard to do things right make him happy but nothing worked and I lost a lot of weight. He would always go overboard with arguments and wouldn’t face me because he was a coward and throughout all of his relationships he’s always been a coward. Whenever I would try to give him constructive criticism he will always be in full blown rage. He didn’t care about my feelings as much as I did his but he is his father’s son. Right after our big fight and break up he already was with someone else. I am hurt by this but I do know he will never be happy. He is 25 and still childish unfortunately. Beware ladies his name is Masod Hunt. SAVE YOURSELF.

  16. This is the truth. The never change. I tried to make it work on and off for a couple of years with a man I. Et through work. What a mistake and waste f my time and life. He blamed his ex wife for all and I believed him. What a fool I was. He knew he was clever and I was naive. He is now 46 and will not change. Cheats on me and lies. I was once convenient for job contacts and a place to stay and bring his boys at weekends. He can be charming but like Fiona warns its all an act. I forgive many times and took him back. Mistaje. Fake person.

  17. I just saw FB postings of how happy he is with is soon-to-be new wife. Almost a year after he moved her (still married to her husband) into his house four days after ending our 18 year relationship. He gushes all over FB about how wonderfully happy they are and in the pictures they’re always smiling and gazing into each other’s eyes. Gag me. I don’t want him back, I want them to fail. I knew her and her husband., she knew us. I want them to fail. Now, what I want more than that is to not. fucking.care. How do I stop despising them and wanting Karma to rip their hearts out? I want to be indifferent. How do I get there?

    1. Olive, the best thing you can do for yourself and your goal of indifference is to not look at their social media. Avoid it like the plague. All I know is I’m always suspect of gushing couples. Too much over compensation. Focus on your freedom and happiness and everything else will fall into place.

  18. I have found this article so interesting I rid my drug of a narcissist who almost broke me he has all the qualities outlined every think you discribe was him I have blocked my ex husband you read to find answers thank you

  19. Excellent and timely article.
    I suffered for almost 2 years with this games, lies, abuse and false accusations, attacks to my character. All for him to tell all his friends ” we just don’t get along, she does nothing for me”
    But that is a horrible lie, from a horrible person. I hope he does claim another victim so she can some day reach out to me and we can have peace of mind.

  20. My ex dumped me for an old lover who was married. They carried on their affair for four years until he wrecked his family to be with her and she wrecked ours to be with him. A year after our divorce was final she is now wrecking the world they dreamed of to be with yet another old lover. Guess the thrill of deceit was the only thing fun about it for her. She apparently can’t find any new supply so she has gone back to her twenty-something life and the lovers she had then.
    She seemed shocked when I told her I had found someone new. I have noone I want to go back to. I actually have moved onward.
    When she left me I cried in my bed every night for over a year. The nights I didn’t cry myself to sleep I just cried all night. I spoke with seven prayer leaders, four pastors, two priests, four counselors, all my friends and family, and countless caring strangers about my devastation and all helped in whatever small way to get me through the hell my life had become. My family meant everything to me and she degraded and discarded me and our world as if I were just another Joe she had dated and dumped.
    Together we went through the deaths of both our mothers, her father, problems with her brother, the birth of our son, the purchase of a house, my struggles at self-employment while she was a stay-at-home mom. All this bonded me with her very strongly but for her it only strengthened her resolve to dump me at the earliest convenience, which she did.
    I now see her doing to her latest ex (ex-ex) exactly what she had been doing to me and I know that her latest ex will be an ex-ex himself after a couple of years. Doesn’t matter how good she’s got it, she’ll get bored and dump. Even if it means wrecking her own life. That only makes her more of a “damsel in distress”. She’s who she is and I have moved on, despite my occasional tear when I miss the happy, beautiful little family I dared to dream I would grow old with. I have no choice. My new lady is a dream come true for a guy like me, and at least I can say I am happy again. At least, in that regard, I am…

  21. I was unwell, diagnosed with a brain tumor and eventually I was unable to work so became unemployed. I have savings and insurance so in that respect I was able to survive. During the early stages of being ill, I was sleeping excessively, 15-18 hours a day and when I was awake it was to eat, bathe, clean the house and it was during this phase of my illness I met Him. I think He saw me as an easy mark as I was at my most vulnerable period of my life and this was why he targeted me. He very quickly became important in my life, you can guess why, I was lonely, miserable and longing for companionship, frankly I was basically a walking pile of neediness.

    The love bombing phase was terrific and very seductive and I fell for this man incredibly fast. He was perfect, mirrored my likes and dislikes, telling me everything he thought I wanted to hear, moving me into a fully exclusive relationship very quickly. Oh boy he talked up a good game. We liked the same music, the same movies, we shared a christian ethic, we laughed at the same jokes, we bought a dog together, everything seemed so perfect. The only jarring clue he was not what he said he was, came later with the extreme jealousy.

    I laugh now recalling when he told me he was never sick or took time off work, but that was a lie.

    Fast forward 3 months into the relationship, I believe every 2 weeks of our relationship he would magically come down with some variant of man flu, or horrible sinuses, or some excuse to stay home from work, stay in bed and play Xbox. Whenever he was sick I had to drop everything to care for him, but should I ever wish to discuss my health issues, the tumor, the pain, he would dismiss me and move the conversation back to Him. I know now that ONLY His probably faked health issues were important. Finally, towards the end of the relationship when he could clearly see I was shutting him out, he even faked a heart attack including an emergency trip to the ER from work one day.

    He would blame me for everything, and I mean everything. If the light turned red as we approached, it was because I took 2 minutes too long to get in the car. If the dog barked, it was my fault I spoiled him too much and if the trash didn’t make it to the kerb and it wasn’t collected it was my fault because I didn’t remind him to put it out. It was always my fault he lost his temper and shouted at me, it was always my fault because I never listened. And always, after the smoke cleared, when I capitulated, then the sweetness would return, the hoovering would begin anew, “but baby if only you didn’t set me off”, the promises began, the promises to change, to be better, to get counselling etc etc. Sadly, I accepted these things for far too long. I do have to say though to his credit, he was never physically abusive towards me, it came close, but he never touched me and the fact I even have to add that statement has an equally sad dynamic to it too.

    But the absolute worst was the explosions of anger if some guy looked at me a certain way, or complimented me then I was accused of flirting with the intention of cheating, of wanting to be with other men. Accusing me of cheating was his go-to method of getting at me, he knew it tripped my anger/ego and I would fight back. I was raised in a very strict christian upbringing and it offended my sense of self whenever he accused me of having wandering eyes or, flat out accused me of sleeping around. There was never any consistency or maturity in how the arguments would develop either so I was constantly on edge, second guessing His next reaction, there was the silences that lasted days, or worse the DAYS of continuous arguing, coming back again and again to blaming me for things he perceived I had done wrong. I hated it, I would tiptoe on eggshells just so I didn’t set off his temper tirades. Oh and the double standard, God forbid I dare mention Him flirting with some girl or, some girl flirting with him, Oh no, I was crazy or imagined it or that girl was nobody.

    I know now how he loved to control every aspect of my life, from what clothes I wore, even to the perfume I wore, to how I wore my hair, to who I spoke to outside of work hours, sometimes even during work such as clients who he deemed were interested in me. Even special days, such as my birthdays, holidays, weddings, family events were hijacked and I could spend a week prior to the event trying to placate Him in order for me to go, anything where he couldn’t control who was there, was suspicious and I was accused of meeting someone there. My family despised him, He claimed 3 out of my 5 sisters had hit on Him and that he felt uncomfortable around them, of course I was expected to believe him and I admit, initially I did, but when My best friend would avoid being near Him or speak to him directly, I began to question why, you see, people knew he was bad for me and on some intuitive level I knew this too, even if we never openly discussed it.

    Fast forward 2 years, I am destroyed both mentally, financially and physically. I don’t eat right, I don’t sleep right, and I have lost an awful lot of money on buying a business for Him that he never had any intentions of working.

    BUT – I am out of the relationship. It took me a while to see the truth, but I am finally free and for that I am grateful to have my life back, my health is improving, my family and friendships are returning and I can finally breathe again.

  22. There’s no words to THANK YOU for sharing I recently got dumped after 6 years or should I say BLESSED Oct 23 2016. And now he is in a new relationship with someone as of Nov 9 2016. Im just understanding about narcissistic behavior and my ex picture should be right there everything I’ve read was exactly what he would do. SHOCKED but true THANK YOU reading your story is really helping with my recovery to this TOXIC RELATIIONSHIP

  23. This sounds too familar you see I stayed friends with my ex narc agaisnt my better judgement. At one point he almost had me convinced he had changed and genuinely loved me.

    At one point I remember him sending me an email telling me how touched he was that I had happened to email him on what apparently was our anniversary but apparently I didn’t even realize that but he had. Im not the one to forget these kinds of things but giving the circumstances of our break up I honestly never expected to somehow become online bffs with my ex years later. I had alot of things going on with my life and he pretended to listen and care. Then I did some online stooping and saw he was engaged. He admitted to seeing somebody else but said it wasn’t serious and she was awful and controlling and I can’t believe I even bought it for a second. After that I stopped communicating with him for awhile i knew at that point hed never change, now I was sure he was everything my worst fears suspected.

    A year later I saw thier engagement had been called off, I wasn’t really surprised that he left me only a couple months before we were supposed to get married. He likes you to invest in the wedding before he leaves, for me I had the perfect wedding dress. She got it even worse as parts of the wedding had already been paid for. I really wanted to reach out before all this happened but would she have believed me I don’t think so. Would I have believed somebody during the honeymoon phase probably not in fact there were people that did warn me and I just didn’t listen. He convinced me that he was this wonderful person and just so good he fell victim to every bad friend backstabber cheat liar out there.

    When i did message his new ex on facebook her description of thier realtionship was exactly the same even the amount of time it took for him to start acting like a jerk to the way he dumped her weeks before thier wedding. In a way I think I got off easier he had never agreed on a date with me something I was jealous of at first but didnt end being jealous worthy at all. In fact I feel nothing but sympathy and compassion for this fellow woman who had to go through this.

    I think the biggest shock I got was when I got an email a few weeks later for him where he begs me to call because hes just so distraught about the break up and having to move back home to mommy and daddys mansion on the lake I may add.

    I was literally fighting for my life healthwise through all this and this was his huge problem lol. He says he needs me or he’s going to commit suicide and I don’t want that on my conscience he’s never played this game before mind you so I think he might be serious. I call him up and another women answers and starts screaming at me why am I calling her boyfriend. I just hung up but then I cant resist later on trying to explain to this woman that I wasnt the pysch harrasing ex that I clearly was total set up to look like. I still to this day can’t really figure out what on Earth cause this to happen what possible reason he had to bring me into that picture whatsoever but apparently I serve some type of purpose in establishing this new relationship or perhaps making this other woman jealous or perhaps just making his ego bigger I don’t know what.

    There are certain things that eventually you might be able to figure out about a narcissist but then there are those other things that you never will be able to really wrap your mind around because you just don’t think that way. No rational person does.

    Anyways long story short here I tried explaining to her what had happened but she didn’t believe a word I said she was obviously way too smitten to see what was going on in front of her face. She also threatned alot of violent acts if i kept harrasing him and no matter what I told her she didnt seem to get i had zero interest in having any kind of realtionship with him that dragging me into whatever game he was pulling by threatning to kill himself only to set me up was it for me and I rounded that off with I dont care if he actually dies I dont want to hear from him again as long as live and I made sure to send him a copy so everyone was on the same page. It’s going to be about another two and a half years before I get a new message from her that is if he sticks with script. Maybe she wont because she clearly had a heads up something was off and chose to threaten to beat me mericless along with telling me how good thier sex was. Hunny I was with him 4 years and lets just say there was alot left to want in the bedroom dept. I highly doubt hes become an expert on pleasing ladies being the selfish entitled man he is.

  24. What if his target also targeted HIM and she’s a sociopathic histrionic narc herself that has a history of preying on weak middle age midlife crisis men? What happens then? I can’t pity her or have compassion just she is known for going after married men even though she’s married too. Yes, he made a choice, but she’s the master of manipulation. Two disordered toxic people? Is this the true love he told me it was, that she’s his true soulmate?

  25. Thank you for this! It was fate that I found your article right after I saw an Instagram photo of my narc ex’s new gf. I felt my stomach sink when I saw she had done the same thing I had a few months ago–buy herself a Star Wars shirt because my ex is a SW obsessed dude. But your article really helped me, and I’m slowly learning to “pass the baton.” This poor girl has no idea what’s coming, but I’m FREE. Now I need to live like I am!

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