Is It Worth Trying to Save The New Target? 


Following up on the previous blog article, “If Your Ex Moved On, Gladly Pass The Baton”, the question was raised: If you received a warning message from your boyfriend’s ex, during the Honeymoon or Idealization phase, would you even listen?

Would you heed the warning? Would it even do a darn bit of good? You may believe, like so many others, that sending a warning letter is akin to throwing a life-preserver to someone who is drowning. It probably kills you inside to know that the new target is being conned, and set up for misery just as you were, and those before you. So many people have actually sent these warning messages and tried to toss a life-preserver to the new “target” (the next victim of the narcissistic sociopath, or narcissist), only for it to backfire in their faces. Sometimes these messages are sent out of spite, or jealousy, and sometimes they are sent out of genuine concern, but whatever the motivation behind these warnings, I am against sending them. Why?

The idealization stage is so compelling, the narcissist is simply the best partner you have ever had, skilled in positioning himself, or herself as such. He/she has morphed into your ideal mate. They have a way of instinctively knowing what you want, and desire and they know how to deliver it as believable, and skilled as an Oscar-winning performance.

The target of the narcissist has fallen madly in love, and will only view the warning messages from any ex-boyfriend, or girlfriend, as further confirmation that their new lover is as fantastic as they already believe he/she to be, and the messenger will be shot down as being jealous, and vindictive. The exes will most likely be viewed as haters and liars, only hoping to break up the relationship, for the purpose of having a crack at getting Mr. or Ms. “Wonderful” back for themselves. Even worse, a warning message will only strengthen the bond between the target and the narcissist, as now they have a common enemy to unite together against.

All the expected lies the narcissist has said about you, will only look more credible in the eyes of the new target, and you will seem like a foolish, jilted, and jealous ex-lover.

I know many of you truly have good intentions, and only want to warn the next target, from a place of “sisterhood” or “brotherhood” and protection. You may say to yourself, “Dang, if I wasn’t able to save myself from that hell, at least I can save another.” Or you might think, “I wish I had been warned! I am most certainly doing the new target a big favor”, but the narcissist will have beaten you to the punch, and will only discredit you as the jilted ex-lover.

Now, if you can think back to when you were perched up high on that pedestal, and the narcissist was your “perfect” partner, would you have listened? No, you wouldn’t have! You would think that what you had with the narcissist was so special, that they would never treat you the way the ex claims they treated them. You would believe that what the two of you share is different from all the rest. Heck, the two of you are meant to be “soul mates”. The narcissist refers to you as their future spouse and tells you how perfect you are for them; that you are the person that they have been searching for their whole lives, and they don’t think they could possibly love anyone more than you. That you make them so happy, and they cannot imagine life without you. Remember how it felt so real and amazing, like nothing you ever felt before? You could never even imagine that the narcissist has said those things to every other “soul mate” he/she has had, and if they did, well, it’s the “real deal” with you, clearly! So, you fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

All wars and famine will cease to exist before the new target is going to believe your little warning message, or consider it, while they’re under the spell of the narcissist. There is no way in hell, the target is going to believe anything you have to say, no matter how true it is. Not for a New York minute, unless you had the perfect timing, and knew exactly when the abuses of the Devaluation phase were taking place, as they surely will.

So, save your time and good intentions, and instead of making a fool out of yourself, or worse, provide the narcissist with the extra supply of thinking you still care, thus, rendering you a future source of supply to fall back on, just know that we all have to go through our own journeys in life, and learn our own lessons, in our own time. Spend that precious energy on saving yourself instead, and getting on with your life. Continue to educate yourself on the warning signs, and red flags of these types, in order to be the wiser, and prevent it from occurring to you again.

With that said, not many people would believe warning messages from their narc’s previous exes during the Idealization stage, with all of the love-bombing that goes on. However, had they received a warning message, it definitely would have made a difference once the honeymoon phase had ended. Instead of questioning themselves, and their intuition, and hanging on for so long, trying to get back that once perfect guy or gal, they would have remembered receiving the warning message –the little life-preserver, that had been thrown their way, and they would have had the validation they needed to confidently jump ship so much sooner. They are in the hands of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered person, and until they learn to spot and handle the red flags, there is not much one can do to keep them from falling for what we all fell for, but they will get there one day, and hopefully become stronger, and wiser the next time around.

This article was co-written by Bree Bonchay and Izzy Micheo.



Bree Bonchay, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with over 18 years of experience working in the field of mental health and trauma recovery. She specializes in helping people recover from toxic relationships and shares her insights about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and psychopathy in her blog FreeFromToxic. Her articles have been featured in major online magazines and she has appeared on radio as a guest expert. She is also a dedicated advocate, educator, and facilitates survivor support groups and workshops.


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15 thoughts on “Is It Worth Trying to Save The New Target? 

  1. So where do you go from here? Since I felt “that” was my perfect soulmate, and it wasn’t real, does one actually exist who IS real?

    1. That’s a good question! If you recognized the early warning signs in the beginning of your relationship, then it’s definitely not real, even though it feels so real. That’s how they hook you! Be patient, don’t settle and find someone who has the ability to take the relationship to the next level. Someone who isn’t just wonderful and perfect in the beginning. Someone who actually gets better over time, not worse. There are people like that out there. Now that you are aware of the warning signs, you will be able to spot the frauds from the real, genuine people that are capable of real, reciprocal love!

  2. I have made a mistake of warning the wife of my ex-psychopath, when I discovered his hidden life. He made me believe he was divorced, living in army barracks by himself, where he was in charge of munition warehouse. When I found out he was in fact still married and living with his family, I warned his wife about what was happening, who he was pretending to be and all the lies. First she had a raw at me, then she believed me and said she has left him once already, but took him back! SHE apologized to me and said don’t wait for any apology from him, you’ll never get it. (Another very clear red flag). He then threatened to kill me and himself. Police came to warn me to work. I still didn’t understand anything about psychopathy back then, and was almost loosing my mind, trying to figure out what the hell was going on and why. He literally turned from so lovely and loving to ‘how did you find out’, instead of any kind of explanation… (btw in UK you can find out through UK address and phone number site, if they are registered on electoral roll. There are mentioned other occupants in the house).
    I think she might have stayed with him anyway unfortunately. He probably threatened her, too. Of course nothing happened to him for issuing threats. Because he was in the army, police was just covering him. I had to have many back and forth email conversations with them, to have them serve him a letter strictly forbidding him to ever contact me again.
    Always log and report at police station every incident, every harassment, every unwanted contact from them, be it call or text message. It is vital for your safety!

    1. Very good advice! N/S/P’s create so much devastation in people’s lives and it’s so frustrating that often times there is little we can do to protect ourselves and others or hold them accountable. Our only option usually is to enforce no contact. It’ doesn’t seem just. When a psychopath’s lies are discovered they react with anger instead of remorse. Big Red flag, right? Glad you are safe and thank you for sharing your good advice. ~ Bree

  3. I did warn my ex’s new GF and I don’t care if I look jealous or vindictive. If she can leave the situation more easily when the honeymoon phase is over and his mask falls off, as it inevitably will, I will at least have contributed some good. I don’t even know her and I would not want her to experience what I went through. The only person I would like to see hurt to the extent I was, and am, is the ex. Sadly, he won’t be hurt. I have been so ANGRY–not just that the relationship was, in his words, a “pretense” on his part, but the number of months it felt as if a limb had been amputated. I’m angry at him for my having had to go through that much pain. Of course he could “move on”. he never has been “in love” to begin with, so it is easy to “move on” and leave the bodies on the playing field. I am just now starting to realize that there are other people out there who want to be with me, and i could spend my energy revealing that vile, evil, liar for what he truly is (puts up a pious front), or I could go forward and be with someone who actually respects me and wants to be with me. I could have done so all along.

  4. It was his other women and I who blew up his world. WIthout one of them especially I wouldn’t have made it. She an di are still 2 years later BFF’s – and have never met because we live in different countries. She and I sent many warning messages to other women who were involved with him, before us, during us and cross fading with our exit. Some welcomed us. Some didn’t respond. Some rejected us. In part I need all this for my annulment form him and 3 women wrote statements for the trial, one came as a witness. — I know full well these messages were worth it and saved some women, maybe stopped some children from being conceived in his deception – he already had 6 e had hidden from me and abandoned. It also broke his dynamics, the ramp up and escalation in his “empire” was knocked down to its foundation. No one had ever stood up to him before. For me there was no other way.

  5. I wouldn’t have listened to my parents if they warned me about my nex. I would have just thought they were being judgmental and misunderstanding him and being paranoid. And I know I wouldn’t have listened to my nex’s ex because he had already told me bad things about her and how she plays games and raped him in their relationship and tried to get her daughter to lie about him sexually abusing her and how she made him to sexual things with her and how she stabbed him with a fork. I say it’s a personal choice to warn the new target or not. You might still let them know you are around if they ever need to talk. Then they might contact you when things are going wrong in their relationship and who knows, they might leave sooner because of your warning before it’s too late. Sometimes a warning makes someone look into it even though they don’t believe you. With internet now, you can pretty much google anything and find answers like “,my boyfriend’s ex warned me about my boyfriend” and they might go from there learning more about abusive relationships and red flags and congratulations, you have given them a heads up and a head start. Rather they think you are jealous or not or trying to break them apart wouldn’t matter because the truth will come out.

  6. Thank you so much for writing this because it just simply makes my recovery from my ex narc’s abuse so much easier. I’m two months free and no contact and it’s hard. I went crazy when I was discarded by my ex because I spent 5 years with this man and I didn’t deserve what I got at the end. He left his phone at the house by accident with no lock code on it and that is where I found out about everything that I had suspected. He had been seeing his new supply since May of last year. I was hurt so bad. I called her and she told me everything. A month later she text me to tell me to say that he was coming to pick up his piled up mail and some more things. That’s when I made the mistake of telling her how awful he is and that he was just using her and how badly she’s going to hurt when he puts the boom on her. All of that I said, she told me that she doesn’t believe me. So I guess I should get a bowl of popcorn and just wait for my confirmation. Thanks.

  7. I understand that they wouldn’t listen how ever what if the warning was just information on who he actually is so that she could piece it all together judging from he’s behavior?

  8. I warned new target and I am so happy and glad I did it!!! The girl was just out of nasty abusive relationship and slipping right into hands of my abusive ex… Years later I am happy to know I did so and saved someone for good!

    But I did it not like described in article, oh, no! I did not pretend I am not jealous instead I said she does not respect herself to be ok with her new “boyfriend” to have sex with other girls , and said he is not total shit so wished them good marriage together… It’s cruel and she considers me her “enemy” probably forever, but that helped her to get back to reason and test him and see who he is before she becomes completely submissive and gas lighted… Yeah, she broke up with him immediately.

    And it was a good lesson to my narcopath too! 🙂 He was weakened after that and for a long time could not find his new target, and when he did – she left him shortly too! In fact I was laughing at him that all women left him, and he was very angry and said ” I am a lonely lion” – so I laughed again.

    Its better such individuals stay lonely and do not destroy others.

  9. This is a great article. I have been divorced from narc for almost 3 years. His new supply became his fiancee after 6 mos of dating. My daughter adores her- which is a relief.
    He has never allowed me to meet or informed me of new GF- despite living with one for an entire year. He normally just shows up with them at court- or at school functions.
    Well suddenly, he states that this one wants to meet me- and set it up through him. Inrefused, stating that she could contact me to set something up- -but apparently she will not because she does not want direct contact.
    ( I guess we will have to sit on opposite sides of Starbucks!)
    Last night was a school function, they arrive together. Flat out refuse to acknowledge me. I gonup to say hi, and explain to GF that I do not feel comfortable making plans through Nex. She then proceeds to tell me that she thinks that is offensive and terrible and all the hate between us should stop because .. crying shame… blah blah.
    And she is so sad about how terrible this situation is. Triangulation and abuse by proxy at its finest.
    I was calm. Softly explained that there are reasons and that I really don’t want to be involved in their relationship.
    She then ranted about what is wrong with a mother who does not want to meet who her DD is spending time with.
    Gah. I need help here. I have no interest in telling her the truth- it won’t be heard anyway, cos he’s an expert narc and she is still being love bombed.
    I truly have no interest in being played- I have a feeling that the united front against me will be conveniently played into responsibility for a breakup/ problems between them. I ended the conversation letting her know that I was happy with the way she treats my daughter, and that I wish her the best of luck.
    Sorry for the long post. I really hope to get a reply from someone.
    What do I do. She still wants to meet- but given that Nex was tight there the whole time and heard what I said- he likely won’t allow it anymore.

    1. Lisa, I’m glad to hear your daughter likes her and that she treats your daughter well. I get the feeling she wants to talk to you to help you and Nex get along better and decrease the animosity for your daughter’s sake. This is not her job, nor is it healthy for her to play therapist. If you meet with her, you’ll be put into a position to share your reasons which you already said, she will not hear or believe.
      I agree with your assessment. Stay out of the triangle and stick to pleasant small talk when you see her. Good luck.

  10. im currently in a relationship with a narcissistic personality , i love him , and i belief behind that tough facade he loves me too,though he shouts at me and calls me selfish , coward, narrowminded, betrayer, all the bad in the world , when he is angry , but im hoping we could change that, he is like a kid at times , i cant leave him alone, but i really want him to acknowledge me as an equal, treat me with respect, he says he has a weakness of a bad temper, and he blames me for all the fights , nights wasted, even though i remain calm . his tears affect me , but mine dont affect him all the time.wat shall i do?

    1. Hi! Good question- and I was there once too.
      I kept trying and hoping and trying and hoping. Once it began to affect my daughter- I left. I was terrified of her marrying someone who would treat her the way I was treated. Somehow I could not see it as bad for myself- but bad for her.
      I was only a shell of all those things he initially “loved” me for. I became ugly. Needy. Never satisfied. Nothing good enough. Too sensitive. Never meeting his needs- so of course this is how he treats me. It took 12 years. I left.
      I researched the hellout of Narcissistic abuse. I went to the local crisis shelter- feeling a fraud, cos “he never hit me”. Through them I learned the abuse was there on deeper levels. Intimidation. Financial abuse. (Accounting for every fine). Emotional abuse. Sexual ( withholding sex and intimacy- ” why would I want to sleep with you!) mental abuse ( I never said that- you’re too sensitive)

      Oh hugs, honey. Research. Call a crisis center. It’s so much worse than you think. You’re just treading water for now. After all- he’s wonderful- when people are watching.

      It’s ok to stay. For now. Never call him out and don’t bother counseling. This disorder runs deep and they are skilled at manipulating therapists, clergy, family and friends.
      But educate yourself. One day- you will just know- and then it will be time to leave.
      God blesss

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