10 Most Common Narcissistic Love Traps

Imagine this, your partner leans over to you, kisses you on the cheek, and tells you how happy he/she is that the two of you are together. Then, before they leave for work, they scribble “I love you” on a pad of paper for you to find. This would make all of us feel deeply loved and cared for. Then, later that day, or even the next day, your partner blindsides you with anger, coldness, and criticisms at a seemingly innocent mistake you had made. The tone of their voice is condescending and their demeanor is ice cold. They ask you, “Why would you do this?!”.

Would you still feel loved?  This kind of “love” is not real love at all. It is not healthy, and most of all, it erodes our self-esteem. That sort of love is conditional, and it fades, the minute we make mistakes, real or perceived, and when we fail to meet the idealized expectations of those that claim they love us.

With real love, people are not disappointed when we make human errors or get so upset when we don’t do what they expect.

Let’s back up for a moment and define what real love is and how it begins.

Real love can only be developed through time. It starts with an initial spark but is a slow burn. It has the capacity to go the distance because it burns steadily and grows brighter and stronger, as two people get to know each other. It deepens and solidifies with the passage of every season because it’s built on a solid foundation. There are no rapid declarations of love based on the idealized image of the other person within the first few weeks or month of meeting.

Real love is meaningful and patient. It doesn’t need to rush into a relationship, because it is genuine, and not built on false fronts and appearances that can’t be sustained for an extended period of time.

The flames of real love may lack the passion and intensity of the romances we watch in the theaters, but it beats the exhausting drama of the explosive passion of fake love, that fizzles as quickly as it started.

Narcissists and sociopaths do not have the capacity for real love. They can only mimic the actions and words of love they have observed in others, but beneath their superficial loving exterior, there is only emptiness, not the capacity for love. They lack the ability to take a relationship beyond the initial infatuation or idealization stage. So, instead, they quickly create a facade of true love, by using “love bombing” techniques, that appeal to our egos and the hopeless romantic within us. Instead of being put off and feeling uneasy by someone who can so easily and quickly profess their love for us, and declare us their soul mate, we abandon our good judgment and gut instincts and rationalize that we’re just lucky to have finally found the partner we have been waiting for.

The reality is that anyone who can so quickly profess their love is a person who knows nothing about what real love is or how to give it. It should raise a huge flashing red neon warning sign in your head if someone tells you they love you too quickly or declares you their soul mate, in the earliest stages of acquaintance. If they do, it is only because they don’t have a real understanding of the meaning of the word love, and this is why they can so easily throw the word around, and eventually the relationship away. The word love, to them, is only that –a word. A word narcissists and sociopaths wield around like a weapon. A weapon that snares unsuspecting victims into their loveless torture traps. This is why over time, as their victims fail to meet their unrealistic, idealized expectations, the cycle of devaluation begins.

Here are the 10 most common love trap lines narcissists and sociopaths use in the first few weeks or month of meeting you. 

  • No one has ever made me this happy before.
  • I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you.
  • I would marry you yesterday.
  • We are so much alike, you are my soul mate.
  • I have never married, or it didn’t work out with anyone else because I haven’t found the right person.
  • You are the kind of person I have been searching for my whole life.
  • When I was younger, I envisioned my spouse looking exactly like you.
  • You’re more wonderful, more giving, more (insert blank) than all my exes
  • You are my future. I would be honored to call you my future wife/husband.
  • You’re everything I have been searching for.

If you have met someone who seems too good to be true and has said a few or all these things to you within the first few weeks or month of knowing you, you can bet you are in the clutches of a narcissist or sociopath. Proceed with caution, or better yet, run like hell before your life becomes a living hell. Just ask anyone who has heard these lines early on in the relationship and thought they were just lucky to finally meet the “one.”

For those of you that have unfortunately already been trapped in the cross-hairs of a narcissist or sociopath, what are some other lines or versions of the above that you were told?



Bree Bonchay, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with over 18 years of experience working in the field of mental health and trauma recovery. She specializes in helping people recover from toxic relationships and shares her insights about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and psychopathy in her blog FreeFromToxic. Her articles have been featured in major online magazines and she has appeared on radio as a guest expert. She is also a dedicated advocate, educator, and facilitates survivor support groups and workshops.


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69 thoughts on “10 Most Common Narcissistic Love Traps

  1. “I question whether I was ever in love before you”
    “If we were on different planets our love would make them collide”
    “Always wanted this but never had a clear path and the desire to love someone like this”
    “I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life”

    I could write a short book! And after being on and off again for 4 years he dropped me unexpectedly right before Christmas with no explanation whatsoever. Wouldn’t even take my calls. Love this site cuz it makes me feel normal.

    1. Bree, I Just found and read your article about the 10 Most Common Love Trap Lines, Narcissists & Sociopaths Use and you asked about other lines they use. Well mine said and texted these: You are the only one who has ever truly understood me. We aren’t going to make it away from one another are we? The day I first saw you and looked into your eyes I heard a voice yelling at me and telling me “Your husband”. I think those were some of the more memorable quotes. Of course now that she managed to get all she could while leaving me completely destitute and with only three semi-supportive friends remaining (managed all in a few short months, because she began her dismantling of me online and in text messages within two hours of tying the knot unbeknownst to me) she has completely moved on and painted me as the narcissistic perpetrator and bad guy.
      Thank you for your website and articles. Its been five months and even though I read articles and am defending myself against the onslaught of her vicious attacks legally, financially and spiritually, I trill struggle with letting go and accepting the fact that she is pure unadulterated evil. I continue to have this profound sense of loss even though my head knows she was never there, never cared and EVERYTHING she ever told me was a complete lie. So this site is a godsend to me.

  2. Thank you for your comment Kelly. You are definitely the normal one and not alone either. He on the other hand certainly left no narcissistic stone unturned. I wish you the best and a future filled with happiness and love!

  3. He targets women with young children, the one before me had a 5 yr old, I had a 2 and 4 yr old and his current has a little girl about 5. He knew I was recently divorced and my ex had left me for another woman and said he didn’t feel like being a dad. He ran with this information, he was great with my kids, singing and coloring with them suckered me right in. Several months later he confessed he regretted how he’d treated his wife and daughter, and told me he’d made a promise to God that if he was ever given the chance to have a family again he wouldn’t mess it up this time. During the first year and a half I got all the I would have married you a long time ago if you said yes and that I was a beautiful special unique blah blah blah person. Less than a month after he dumped me (the day after Christmas) he was in his new relationship. Of course I was snooping on FB and he’d posted a memes on her wall saying, everything I’ve ever wanted I’ve found in you and the reason it never worked with the others was because the right one hadn’t come along. The thing I’m most angry about is that he involves children in his evil game.

    1. Donna, your story gave me chills! Not only because everything you described is so typical down to how he discarded you after Christmas, only to show up on FB with another target so quickly professing all the same BS, but how like you said he uses children as pawns to lure his targets. It literally gave me chills and infuriates me. He is the lowest of low. A soulless flesh bag!

      1. We’d broken up around Halloween but were going back and forth thru Nov until I finally stopped torturing myself and agreed it wasn’t going to work, it actually ended on friendly terms. He called about a week before Christmas professing his love and asking me to move back in. Stupid me knowing full well his family has nothing to do with him and he had nowhere to spend Christmas, jumped at the offer. Low and behold he spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family and stopped speaking to me on the 26th. I spoke to him a few days later and said I couldn’t believe I let him break my heart and he replied, “I didn’t break your heart you did, I just sat back and watched it happen.”
        The child is the only real reason I want to take him down, as far as him and I go I don’t even miss him anymore. But every time I think about that cruel statement I still break down.

        1. Wow! Nothing is ever their fault! Ever! His statement just shows how emotionally void they are and how they take pleasure in hurting others. It doesn’t even phase them.

        2. Mine started forty years ago when I was very young and he almost 20 years my senior. In hindsight, I had almost no chance of protecting myself from the livng hell he put me and my son through. He was also alcoholic. I remember telling the director of the treatment center that when he got sober I figured we would just have a sober sociopath. LIttle did I know how accurate that statement was. He couldn’t even function marginally in any kind of relationship without alcohol so sobriety was worse for me than it was for him, I believe. He would make my life a living hell until I finally gave up and left. Then he would stop at absolutely nothing to get me back again. Even so far as renting a plane to pull a banner along the beach. Buying 1/2 of the front page of the business section of the paper and putting my name in big letters with a message to my friends to please help me understand how much he loved me and convince me to come home. I moved to Hawaii at one time and left no forwarding address. It took ten days for him to track me down and another ten to talk me into coming back. He convinced me that he just loved me so much and could not live without me. Once I was back and he had me where he wanted me (without a support system) I put my arm around him and told him I loved him. He didn’t respond. I asked if he still loved me. “Love you?” he said, “Are you crazy? I don’t love you! I needed a cook!” We were enroute to a wilderness job setting where there was no way out for the next three months. I can relate.

  4. We were dating for over a year when I found out the whole time he was still seeing his (x) girlfriend. I dropped him cold, but he showed up at my house at 6 am begging and crying to the point he got sick and acted like he was having a heart attack. This went on for 10 hours, he would not leave, he relentlessly begged saying the most profound things to “make me realize” his “love” for me. He repeatedly said, “When I first saw you, I knew you were “the one”, but it scared me because I didn’t think I was worthy of you because you were so pure and real, so I kept making myself be with her to keep me from going no where with you, but now I realize GOD had dropped me on my head and brought me to you!” He begged me to marry him and said he was going to make ALL my hopes and dreams come true. He said he will never veer from the path….
    No after 12 years of HELL in a marriage, I found him 4 blocks from our home with another woman, and he told her that the Universe had brought her to him. He mimicked me to capture her. I taught him about eating healthy, doing yoga, being mindful, etc. She’s a yoga instructor and into the same things as me. Long story short, I now found out he had several others waiting in the wing through out our entire marriage. He compartmentalized his life and had secret lives with many others. I knew none of his “friends” and I was never allowed to see his computer, phone or any bank accounts….. He completely isolated me, and when I would try to get out, he would make my life so miserable that I would go back in and then I would get “rewarded for coming to my senses”. I am determined to go all the way this time, for he has been revealed to me finally. Through therapy and dealing with this nasty divorce I now know he has planned all of this and has set himself up from the beginning to suck me dry and take everything. He calculated everything so he would be in the secure position in our divorce. I am his 4th marriage and he has also had a string of overlapped relationships…
    I never knew this predator existed until now, it’s the most sinester! I AM A SURVIVOR!!!!

    1. Tammy, If you can survive a narc for 12 years, you can survive anything! They can never be alone and without supply. They always have plan B, on the side or waiting in the wings. So glad you are free!

    2. A predator is exactly what they are. I don’t need to share my story, since it is so much like yours. I was even convinced that her best girl friend “wifey” was the monarch of the events that played out, since my ex ended up with her younger brother. But I’ve come to realize that it was my ex that was the monarch on all the events. She was always going on and on as to how wonderful I was and that she was so “in love”. Bullshit, if they are going over the top bragging and posting on FB as how much they love you, it’s a lie. In fact, it got to the point where when she did say “I Love You” (for the 5th time tonight), my response turned into “Yeah, for now”. Little did I know that it was all a cover up to make it appear that way so that after the break up she could blame me for all the pain she was “supposedly” feeling. She even tried to lay a guilt trip on me by stating “I’m glad that it was so easy for you to move on so quickly” as well as to accuse me of cheating, lying, and twisting the truth, when she was the one that was CAUGHT IN THE ACT! Even then NPDs are not willing to see the truth. She is so “in love with her best girlfriend “wifey” that she found a way to get as close as possible to her and her family (start fu–ing her brother). I was always “stand offish” because her best girlfriends lifestyle was one of constant drama, smoking pot, and popping pills. Unless you are constantly catering to their every need, worshiping them, and willing to be a servant rather than a partner: forget it. Once they see that your’re not willing to live by their set of rules that they demand of you, while they get to do whatever they want, for which you are never allowed to question; they move on to the next victim.

      1. Key sentence—– ” never allowed to question them” ohh because if you do, prepare for a knockout fight, and blaming everytime. It’s all mind f*#king!!

  5. I was three months from being separated from my husband of 23 years. I was hurting and vulnerable. He was my childhood best friend of 40 years (never ever once was I romantically or physically interested). Then he sends me a letter, three days before Christmas, called the 7 Stages Of My Life, and laid out our lives together and how secretly all those stages it was me he was in love with (even when he was married, it was me he was wishing he was sharing his life with). He told me it’s not that I haven’t found my soul mate, I’ve been waiting for my soul mate, because it’s you. I want to marry you, be your husband and step father to your children. It put the breaks on all my efforts my husband and I were doing to try and reconcile and made me question myself and that maybe I didn’t know what real love was. Maybe it’s been him all this time and I just didn’t realize it. He ordered the self help books my Counselor recommended so he could read with me and to “understand me betrer and to hopefully someday be an even better husband”…… We lived in different states, so were flying back and forth exploring the relationship. I fell for it hook, line and sinker because he sold me on this life long love of a soul mate. The last weekend we were together I told him my counselor encouraged me to explore any red flags we had each other. I knew his whole life and he had a history of failed marriages, exiting relationships suddenly, overlapped relationships, dating women who were in my situation (contemplating divorce), he had JUST ended a two year relationship with a girl he was living with when he wrote me this soul mate letter (told me he did it because I was suddenly available). When I told him those were my red flags, he freaked out. He was like, d@mn, no one has ever said these things about me. Boom, he suddenly blindsided me with, maybe I don’t love you like I thougth I did. Come again? You just wrote me a 5-page letter telling me you have been waiting for me your whole live, I’m your soul mate, and you wanted to marry me. Come to find out, he was also dating someone else locally. He blindsided me. He jumped into some deep, passionate love with this new person, claiming he thinks she is the one, blah, blah, blah….pictures of them posted all over FB and out how there are madly, crazy in love. I’m looking at that thinking HOW do you go from being in a committed 2-year relationship with someone you were living with, to another woman who you finally get to be with your life long soul mate, to a new found love who could be the one in two months?!!! It was a total “Mind F*ck” and it brought me to my knees. I essentially put the whole healing and mourning process of my 23 year marriage on hold while he swept me off my feet (in reality just masking my pain of my failed marriage) and when this happened the mourning of the 23 year marriage I put on the back burner came flooding in on top of mourning the sudden in to our romatice relationship AND the sudden end of our best friend 40 year friend relationship. It was crippling sorrow. And I seen him two months later and confronted him…first words, “So what exactly is it that I did to you that has you so upset”…..REALLY??!! You totally took advantage of your best friend of 40 years when she was her most vulnerable and inserted yourself with your own personal agenda, hurt me and walked away without an after thought and moved on to the euphoria of a new found love while I was left wondering what the h*ll just happened. I had JUST let my guard down and decided I needed to give real love a chance (that’s what I thought I was doing). Totally duped. He has a history of overlapping his relationships, walking away, cheating, etc. And I always joked that he exits relationships and fight to stay in them. How dead on was I???? I just let his “love bombing” make me forget that.

  6. Reading through your article I feel you have shed some light on several of my relationships.
    One in particular, I was only in my early 20s and I met him through work. We both had come out of serious relationships so I thought it was mature enough of me to say lets not rush things, this didn’t sink well with him and he said I was ashamed of him which wasn’t the case at all, stupidly I agreed to this. I too experienced all the lovey doveness, flowers at my work, dinners out, weekends away, mixed tapes etc etc I thought I had found my prince charming!
    After a few months of goods times I agreed to move in with him and it was like a light switch change of behaviour. If we went out for drinks and I spoke to another male he would accuse me of sleeping with them, leading me to just sit there with my head down in social situations. I worked in a male orientated industry, he told me to quit and said it wasn’t any great loss as I wasn’t good at my job anyway. If I went out without him or he was away I had to give him a run-down of who and with, this being exhausting I have up going out and my friends slowly diminished away. Stupid accusations if I wouldn’t answer his phone calls or texts, in saying all of this he was still allowed to have all of his friends and stay out to all hours and I wasn’t allowed to question it. When I did flip out at one time over this he gave me the silent treatment for almost weeks ending in me apologising for my behaviour!
    He was self-employed and never drew a wage, resulting in me having to pay for all the bills and never having any money left at the end of the week.
    Slowly I began to put my foot down with this behaviour, I started to mend relationships with my friends and going out more and having a good time without him, the accusations flew around and in time he left saying I wouldn’t find anyone else like him and no one else would ever want me.
    Even 6 months after this all ended and I built the courage up to ask another guy out for tea he rung half way through to give me an ear full about the “rumours” he heard.
    Sometimes I get angry about this all happening to me but then I realise everything happens for a reason Ive learnt never to be treated like this again!

    1. Ron, they are one trick ponies! Every person’s story shares so many similarities. I don’t blame you for being upset about the “rumors”. Who wouldn’t! I hope he is right in saying you won’t find anyone else like him! And even if you did, you wouldn’t fall for it again. That is the important thing. Thank you for commenting. 😊

  7. This article gives me the creeps because I fell into a relationship right after my separation where the woman said exactly all 10 of the things on your list. Took me months to pry her off of me once I started seeing a counselor and they advised me to run.

  8. Reading your comments, I am wondering if any of you thought about the fact that the narcissists you describe might be suffering at least as much as they make you suffer, or maybe even more. You can get out of a relation with them; they will be trapped with their inability to fully love and accept another person, to have a stable relation. It is not like they enjoy making other people’s life miserable, but an inability which does not only do damage to others, but most of all to themselves. However this is not an excuse to be violent towards others and anyone who is mistreated by their partner should get out of that relation.

    1. Jasmin, I believe narcissists suffer in some ways, but not even near as much as the pain and suffering they cause others. They cause pain intentionally and they absolutely enjoy it. They know what they are doing. That’s why they can switch their behavior when it suits them. Narcissistic abuse sufferers end up in therapy, depressed, and have symptoms of PTSD. Narcissist don’t go to therapy. They don’t join Support Forums. They don’t even skip a beat . They just move on to the next victim. They don’t appear to suffer to much to me. Anyone who truly suffers would seek help not a new victim.

      1. I am going to disagree on a few points in your comment… simply because i am a diagnosed narcissist and i know how i feel and i know what i do causes pain but you know what? When we do eventually find our match that is willing to call us out and be there for us even when we are pushing them away we start to want different things. Such as therapy. Believe it or not but we do suffer, we suffer with insecurities and depression too and that’s why we do what we do. It’s to try and make up for what we feel we lack so we break someone else down to our level. I used to always have a plan B for when i was in a relationship i always lured them in with the 10 lines you stated and i hurt them all and yes it was because i am afraid of being alone but ever since i met my husband 6 years ago I have been working on bettering myself, not only for him but for myself and our daughter, it is not easy and i regularly still find myself snapping at him over the tiniest things but after all this time and all his patience and suffering i am finally to the point where i will apologize after i get angry for no reason or if i make a mistake and blame him and i try to ignore any anger i feel that isn’t justified with legit reasons. I try to be better and i know it is still a long road but at least i can say that i am trying and that i don’t want to hurt him like i have done to so many before him. When i do snap at him i cry on my own wile everybody is asleep because i don’t want them to see that i am weak but also because i know that he doesn’t deserve a person like me, he deserves SO much better and i think i am angry at him many of the times because i don’t understand why he doesn’t leave me. If none of this post makes sense i apologize but i don’t know how to put it in the right words but i just had to say that from my point of view even narcissists have feelings and even regrets, they just don’t show it to anybody for fear of people “attacking” them while they are vulnerable. I am sorry for everybody who has been in a relationship like this and it is definitely the right move to get away from people like this because we destroy things we fear.

        1. Bianca, I’m thrilled to hear that you want to make changes and go to therapy. Unfortunately you are the exception and not the rule. Yes, I agree with you that narcissists try to destroy others due to their own insecurities and unhappiness. Thank you for your candid comment.
          Best~ Bree

      2. To me Narcissism is not a illness, it’s pure devilish acts. We should look for 3 6’s on the head or their body somewhere! well the narc I am sharing my life with right now, his birthday year, month, and day contains 3… 6’s !!! I have seen devil in him like you see in the movies sometimes I am so scared of him, and guess what he lives in the middle of country side somewhere in England the closest neighbour is more than one mile away!

      1. It sure doesn’t seem like it! But only miserable people put other people through hell. Every projection about you was what he felt about himself on a daily basis. At least you can move on and be happy and authentic.

  9. After 10 months with my Narcopath I suspected cheating. I turned up at his house randomly one day to find another woman’s car. He answered door in his robe only. I demanded whose car it was (with a pink sparkly license plate referring to pretty girls). He said it was a friend of his and that I shouldn’t be coming by unannounced!! Her car was spotted there 4 other known times by myself or friends. All of a sudden he was hard to reach. I cut him off for 2 weeks. He then sent flowers to my work, texts and calls and sucked me back in. I’m finally deciding to go Stover!! In the very beginning love bombing phase his quotes were things like :
    “You are such a good woman and wonderful mom. Any man would be lucky to have you for their wife”( My previous husband passed away 6 months before Narc popped up)
    “All of my exes were insane. I always felt the need to spend time apart from them but you’re so different. I love seeing you every day.”
    “We would make beautiful children; all because of your beauty of course.”
    “You are so good to me. I’m so blessed and thankful to have you in my life.”
    “I’d do anything in my power for you whenever you need it.”
    The list goes on and on. Now that he knows I’m onto his game and I’m not getting sucked back in he acts like he truly couldn’t care less. I know he has new supply so I’ve been discarded. Harsh lesson. I don’t doubt he’ll crop up again sometime but I can’t take the heartache. It was a horrible sucker punch. Especially after losing my husband etc. he swooped in w my kids too. Loving, caring, dinners and outings and holidays with us. But weird reactions to minor things or comment dropping to make me feel I was in the wrong about something and I’d find myself apologizing though unsure why! Total starfish in bed to coin a term you used. Everything matches up. Everything. Educating myself makes me stronger each day though so thank you! I still have times when I break down (favorite songs or restaurants etc) but always try to think of that day in his robe. He didn’t run after me or call. I called him. Yelling and defensive and complete denial of any guilt. Please!! Thank you for sharing your knowledge!!

  10. This is all way too familiar, strange to read how similar experiences with narcs are because you feel so singled out during your time with them, especially because they take up so much attention. My narcs’ lines:
    “You are truly unlike any woman I have ever met”
    “The look in your eyes makes me insecure, you are so intelligent and confident”
    “I need to reproduce my greatness, and it should be with someone as great as you”
    “Out of all the women I was seeing, I chose you!”
    Ans then some other bullshit in which he gave me the idea how my opinion mattered so much to him, how he ended all his contacts with other women, and that he was serious about our relationship.
    I’m not the kind of person that starts fights easily, but we had quite a lot in those 5 intense months we were together and he was living in my house. In those fights he got really mean so it always ended up with me crying and him comforting me in a really phony way.

    I had doubts about his faithfulness all along but he rationalized them away, I should have listened to my gut though. Found out he had ano unsafe threesome with 2 of the women he supposedly didn’t see anymore when he got with me, and they had planned it for months. In hindsight pretty sure he cheated on me before that too, maybe even in my own house when I was away. Doesn’t matter anymore though.
    When I kicked him out he was switching between crying and begging for me to forgive him (“is your pride more important to you than our love?!”) and screaming in anger for not even letting him sleep in when it was his last night at my place.
    After that I was so heartbroken and asked him not to be in contact with me but instead he stalked me for over 6 months, even though he found a new girlfriend 3 weeks after I kicked him out. Went from secretly putting his mail in my mailbox himself and then demanding that I hand his mail to him face to face (did not do that of course), parking close to my house so he could enter my wifi and then search my msn history and Facebook, to just randomly showing up at my house or sending sweet and then threatening texts when I did not answer them.
    Took some threats from my dad and the knowledge that police were warned about him to make him stop.

    After everything I found out a lot of what he told me about past relationships and friendships were lies that made him look like the wronged hero or anti hero. But in reality, he was just a lonely man that desperately needed everyone to admire him.

  11. This is so incredibly true of my past relationship with my ex. She has fulfilled all 10 of the items on your list within the first 3 months. She even added several to it. Like this one I would like to have your baby. Or no one has ever wanted to buy a house for me. No one has ever taking me on vacations like you have. No man has ever treated me as wonderful as you have.

    Then in the blink of an eye as soon as her best friends younger brother showed up on the scene, poof kennel I was no longer the man of her dreams. He was married at the time camera and just left his wife and three kids after 4 months of marriage but seven years of being together. An alcoholic, short, small statue of Man. I see now that he has become her pet. Whenever I’ve seen them together, he follows her around at her heels. They are not a couple, but rather she is the leader and he’s the subservient dog. She tried to patch the hole connection between her and him as they were nothing more than friends. In fact there are more like brother and sister since he was 12 years younger. As soon as I started to question that there might be a problem with all of her drinking to excess every time we went out, or the over the top postings on Facebook as to how in love you are with me and how wonderful I am, things started to change. All of a sudden she wasn’t able to meet with me, but justified going out with her new brother like friend, behind my back. When I question the relationship, she attacked me as to how dare I ever insinuate such a notion. She fits the profile of a narcissistic psychopath perfectly. And has done unspeakable things to me.

    During the time after the breakup she accused me of everything that she was guilty of. To date she is still with the new boy toy that she acquired behind my back. Even after catching the two of them together for days after we were physically together, she has never apologized. In fact, the day after I caught the two of them together for the second time in person, she changed her phone number and email address, blocked me on Facebook, and even took out a no contact order. I have seen them over two dozen times together as a couple with many many pictures and post of the two of them together online. After reading all the articles as to the personality disorder that she has, it has become obvious that there is absolutely nothing that can be done. It is so unfortunate that these sorts of woman continue to go around terrorizing and abusing good people when they have no desire whatsoever to actually be committed to a relationship. She has 4 children by 3 different men, has been married three times, it is claimed that she has been the victim in every single case.

    My question is, is there any way to safely confront or expose them? Or is there any way Jill play their game long enough to get them to stop condemning my character? I do not want to get back with her in any way. In fact I almost feel sorry for her newest victim. But in this case, because he is the younger brother of her best girlfriend which she refers to as “wifey”, and has even stated that she would ideally like to marry her if at all possible, I truly believe that this will end in major catastrophe. However as it stands as of today, she and him are planning to get married, are incredibly happy together, and he’s the man of her dreams.

    I have lost countless nights of sleep, actually been arrested, she has accuse me of cheating, wine, being abusive, and taking advantage of her, which are all the things that she did to me. As well have posted all of this on several websites and sending it to my daughter. After we broke up, even though she claimed I was never supportive of her school work, for which I helped her author several papers and preped her for several tests, she end up failing her classes the next semester. She ended up losing her job in the career that she was studying for, and went back to being an LPN doling out medications. I know in my heart that she will never be happy, has never been happy, has never truly been in love, or doesn’t even know how to love another human being.

  12. I’ve had dreams about you since I was a child and I used to dream about you when I was with my wife. As soon as I saw you I knew you were the one”.

    You are my soul mate (after 3 dates)

    If you don’t talk to me I’m going to throw myself off the rig (where he worked) . (He even sent me an email about the process of drowning). Then another time, : I will throw myself out the window if you don’t answer the phone (I ignored him as I think he went to a prostetute house in Singapore with the rest of the guys on the rig.. He was the only one that didn’t go – bullshit).

    You are the beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, I love you so much, I can’t live without you. My heart feels so much joy when I am with you. Take my hand and we will live our lives together in happiness.

    As opposed to beating me up in the car next to our baby ..

    You live and learn. There is a restraining order thank God.

  13. I’ve had dreams about you since I was a child and I used to dream about you when I was with my wife. As soon as I saw you I knew you were the one”.

    You are my soul mate (after 3 dates)

    If you don’t talk to me I’m going to throw myself off the rig (where he worked) . (He even sent me an email about the process of drowning). Then another time, : I will throw myself out the window if you don’t answer the phone (I ignored him as I think he went to a prostitute house in Singapore with the rest of the guys on the rig.. He was the only one that didn’t go – bullshit).

    You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, I love you so much, I can’t live without you. My heart feels so much joy when I am with you. Take my hand and we will live our lives together in happiness.

    As opposed to beating me up in the car next to our baby ..

    You live and learn. There is a restraining order thank God.

  14. “God gave me you” (Ironical I was property – so she was right)
    “I would love to be pregnant with your child”
    “I am the luckiest woman on the planet – with the hottest guy in the universe”
    “I can’t wait to marry you”
    “I want to always go to sleep and wake up beside you”

    I went through a discard and the a re-idealization, so it crippled me for a year and a half.

  15. From: “I hope I am man enough to keep you because I want to grow old with you.” “You are a dream come true. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.” ” I’ve never been as happy as I as when I was with you.” “I want us to be married. I know I owe too much in back child support & don’t want you to be saddled with it, but we could make it an unofficial marriage without a marriage license in front of our friends.” “I love your hips” “You have the most beautiful eyes” “I dig your smile” .

    To: “I want to get closer” (when we were already living together & declared our love for each other), Isolation, making my grown kids the bad guys at any chance he could get, getting mad at me for wanting to go to Christmas shopping or anything alone. Going to a business reception memorial for a former colleague who passed away where only business colleagues were invited was hell. He brought it up every chance he could and was sure I went alone so I could flirt with men. Even after I convinced him to go on anti-depressants for his mood swings he was still bad. He was sure I was chatting with guys on Facebook all the time; however he was on the site way more than I ever was. When we broke up he moved on in like 3 weeks and 4 months later he’s engaged to her. He unblocked me on Facebook (of all sites lol) just so I could see his status had changed to engaged. He says all the same things about her/to her he said to me. They go to the same places we went to take photos. Very unoriginal.

  16. I was told the following: of all of the hundreds of people I have met that have come through my front door, you were the one I was meant to be with…

    Did that not make me believe that the stars aligned for my ex and I to be together forever as some sort of fate must have brought us together??? I heard these words from my ex when I was 40 and had literally felt I had waited my whole life for someone to be so wonderful and such a perfect match for me.

    How wrong I was. My ex is a narcissist. I was love bombed at the beginning and at the end, I was tossed out like last week’s trash. I stayed in it until the bitter end… Thinking that my ex couldn’t possibly be a narcissist. That my ex would start to see my side of it. Nope. Didn’t happen. I was replaced by two people eventually.

  17. On the 2nd date.. ‘”in 5 more seconds I am going to be completely in love with you”
    “I have waited my whole life for you”
    1 month in… ” just stop taking the pill now”
    “I am marrying you”

  18. This really scares me. How would I know the difference between someone being genuine or just telling me what I want to hear?

    1. Brandy,
      In hindsight…. all these things are so easy to spot and the stories so incredibly similar it is almost laughable. It is like they share some kind of sick narcisist handbook. I completely stepped into the trap, eyes wide open, even though I was really confident and not looking for a relationship at the time. I remember thinking it was all too good to be true… than thinking I was stupid to be so cynical not to trust in the love that was so obviously and without a doubt presented to me. I should have trusted my instincts… If it seems to good to be true, that’s because it is. Lesson learned… The hard way.

      To add to the list of ridiculous empty phrases:
      – Why haven’t we met 10 years ago?
      – I wish i would have known you my whole life so we already shared histories
      – The moment you walked in/we started talking/we where at this and that restaurant I knew you were the one.
      – My ex used to be so distant/cold/never wanted to have sex, you are so different!
      – I will do anything to make you happy
      – I am so happy to have found someone with the exact same values, it will be perfect when we start raising our children.
      – You will look amazing in a crisp white wedding dress/with a pregnant belly

      And probably the best one of all:
      – It all feels so natural and comfortable…I dont have to pretend to be any different than I am.

      Aha… Yep… Allright…

  19. They all use the same one liners! It is terrible to read this and it also helps me to see that I was not the only one who was blinded for 40 years! He chased me down all the time and told me what we had was ‘meta’-whatever. I did not always believe him but in the end I fell for his charmes and he helped me with my children. And then he dropped the word ‘daddy’. I was surprised and scared. I didn’t want my children to be hurt. After 6 months I asked him to leave, after he dropped my bread on the floor when I was in a wheel chair with my foot in a cast because I broke my heal. I got help and could let him go. I was there with three five year old. They missed him and cried for him. They also told me they were not allowed to come in the bedroom. One of the children told me: ‘He only wanted you, he didn’t want us’. I tried to stay friends with him, the other children missed him and they wanted to meet him. He invited us over and played his games. Everything I did was wrong, from raising my children to playing the piano. He was already having a new victim that he could use and abuse. I’m so sorry for all of you, but I’m so glad to read your stories. I could finally let him go.

    1. I am really grateful to be able to read Bree’s articles and everyones comments and experience. It is such a relief to know why my ex behaved like he did and that its not me who is the crazy one. I still find it difficult to explain to people what happened to me and what kind of evil my ex is… It always feels like they’re thinking ‘yes poor woman well thats your side of the story.. You will look back at it differently and see that it wasnt all too bad once you move on.’ To mutual friends, I am not even going to try, he has probably already put on an immense smear campaign… It feels so hopelessly invalidating… Even when visiting my GP for STD tests and the therapist I will be meeting for the first time next week, I have the feeling I have to exagarate or convince them of the horrible person my ex was and what he did to me. Reading these comments makes me feel less lonely in this process.

  20. I am a recent victim of Narcissistic Abuse. I was in a year long relationship with a man that I considered to be my soul mate. He was perfect in every way. He looked at me so deep…made me feel like I was everything he ever wanted in a woman. He would tell me everyday how beautiful I was,and how lucky he was to have me. Within  two weeks into our relationship he asked me to marry him..I said “Yes!”. It felt so right. As the months went on I noticed little things about him that made me think twice about who he really was but then he would say or do something that would quickly change my mind. Then the lying game began..He would say one thing to me but when I would question him on it he would look at me like I was crazy and deny ever saying that to me. Every time I tried to walk away and end the relationship he would tell me he loved me…He never loved anyone like me…and he would go on and on til I came back. Once he knew I would never leave him he began to manipulate certain things and we would argue and he would leave. I cried and begged but he said it was my fault .. I never loved him..I didn’t care about him at all. This went on for at least 3 months. The mind games… The pulling me in to the relationship and then pushing me out was constant. He took everything from inside of me. My soul…My Self Esteem..My Confidence.. My Trust..Everything..Trying to free myself from this evil person has been very hard…I no longer have friends only about a handful. I avoid doing things that i did before. I’m lost.. For the first time in my life I’m a lost  Soul. I don’t know how to find myself and move forward..Please Help Me..

                               Thank U,
                             Leticia Lopez

    1. Hi Tisha, I know you feel like you can’t climb out of this but I promise you that it’s possible and you can do it. I co-admin a private support group on FB with two other therapists. Send me a FB friend request to Bree Bonchay, LCSW (my public profile is the one with LCSW after my name) and I will add you if you’re interested. I think you will find it very helpful and supportive. Stay strong.xx

      1. These post have been the most helpful I’ve read so far, my ex husband who my divorce just got finalized a month ago after 2 yrs of trying to work it out… When I met my ex I was a single mom with 2 young kids and he was literally like a prince charming, when you hear ” if it seems to good to be true it probably is” really is spot on… when we met all he wanted to do was be there for me and my kids, he bought my kids things all the time he helped me out financially a few times and I couldn’t ask for a more devoted partner… we we’re together for a yr. When we got married, people have often asked did I see red flags, and looking back of course I did and they ask when I knew I had gotten into a bad situation and when they get my answer their stunned!! Because it was literally right after we said “I Do” everything I thought to be true ended that night and we we’re thrown into 15 yrs of Hell and Torture!! Mr Great guy turned into a mean, cruel, abussive, manipulating deceitful Monster… who also had an extremely odd relationship with his mother… His father was a Pentecostal preacher and his parents we’re also extremely mentally and emotionally abusive also… The things that my kids and I we’re put through over the yrs we will forever have scars… 4 yrs ago he lied about going on a job down south, and was going to stay with his parents and he never came back and also got an 18 yr old girlfriend who his parents allowed at their house… There isn’t enough time to explain or describe the absolute horror of our life… my kids and I have been on our own for over 4 yrs and I never even had any interest in any man after what I had been through, but this past fall I started chatting and visiting often with a boy I had known all my life… as my kids and I have lived back in my home town for over 4 yrs now, so it was nice having an old friend and classmate to spend time with, after sometime we we’re getting closer and he had known all I had been put through and was so supporting and understanding as he was coming to the end of his own divorce… So we became involved and it was so wonderful to spend time with a real man who was so kind and loving… Then one day after work he called and just said in a very cold manner, that he couldn’t be with me anymore, that his wife wanted to work on things and he felt he owed it to her to try… I was blindsided and I said that he had told me his divorce was almost final and he said No, I said we we’re seperated and now she wants to try so I don’t feel right about us anymore… I had never been that stunned ever, it was literally one day I was the love of his life and the next like it never exsisted… it’s been 4 months now and all I’ve ever heard from him is every single morning at 6:30am he text Good Morning hope you have a great day… I don’t understand why he does that, and we’ve spoken like twice and he’s not nice at all… I never had any closure, I don’t know why he text every morning but otherwise I don’t exsist… And I am so afraid these are the only men I’ll ever get involved with, and I don’t know why, and the saddest part Is we we’re friends all of our lives and how could I not know he was like that… just heartbroken 😞

  21. Yes I am a still recovering survivor of a toxic narcissist. It been over 2 years now since I escaped and I am accepting slowly that it was all a game or fakery on her part. It still hurts to have been played with in such a way, and to have dared to believe that she was for real.

    There were many lines, some similar to the top 10 listed, here are some more of her faves;

    “We are so in synch ! ” (said often,in response to almost anything, including as a response to a Scrabble game when the final score was tied)

    “Can you even imagine a future where we are not together !” (said smilingly & incredulously, exclaimed almost smugly as an unimaginable impossibility)

    “It was you, always you !” (as we were an item 25 years previous, then lost contact totally, till she contacted via social media)

    “Why would you want to be a Supporting Actor when you can be the Leading Man ?” and “I’m not being a Supporting Actress its Leading Lady or nothing” this as a way of excluding any and every potential distraction, and to make me feel specially selected. She was seemingly unaware of the irony that she was exposing herself as an “actress”. I was so lovestruck I ignored this and many other warning sign

    Yes, I went through the immediate placement on a pedestal, and barely hoped to dare to believe I could be so lucky to be so deeply loved and desired and adored so quickly.

    Then came the shut out and freeze out. And then allowed back into the light temporarily, then shut out again with no explanation. When I asked why it was advised that it was because there was a disconnection between us and always had been (?)

    And an attempt to lure me back a year later, with – but when I inoffensively questioned why she had got me back, I got no answer, instead I got an an unnecessarily hurtful reply. Evidently she was not be questioned.

    And another shut out, after organising to meet up, was messaged to forget it, I would never hear from her again and the line; “have a good life, see you in another 25 years”. But of course I heard from her again that night..

    I do believe that regaining that first ‘idealisation’ stage, as wonderful as it was, is impossible, or would be gained only temporarily at best, followed by further crushed hopes and disappointment. Yes walking away and never looking back or answering the siren’s call is the only way to regain a quality life.


    1. It’s creepy that I received the same reply, “have a good life ahead, see you after 25 years again”, just like you we were a thing too.

  22. I was told (countless times and within a very short period) that I was “the most amazing man I have ever met”, “You are everything I have ever wanted in life”, “I’m crazy about you”, “I’ve never told anyone else this before”, etc. etc. She even asked me to move in with her because she wanted to get to know me as much as she could. Of course that was a mistake and she quickly used it against me, accusing me of taking her “freedom” away. Then came the Facebook splurges (aimed at her ‘friends’) but this following one was the one that made my heart melt when I saw it posted all over the place, “He’s the ONE, finally!” Of course, there are so many more little declarations and proclamations but my mind is cloudy at the moment from all this over-thinking. I remember one in particular though: “I don’t ever want a misunderstanding to come between us”. Looking at it now that’s exactly what she did but I suppose she was never really committed to me in the first place, was she? In the end everything was my fault; she even texted me saying that she did nothing wrong. Aside from her abusive words and her sudden mood swings, no, I guess she didn’t do anything wrong but once the ‘Idealization’ stage was over she certainly did nothing to bring a sense of security to the ‘relationship’. Oh well, I survived, I think….

  23. I met ex online. I was told that the minute they saw my picture they knew I was the one so they have to go out and sow all their oats before settling down. That no one in their life ever loved them like I did. There was a lot more and my romantic heart fell for it all hook, line & sinker!

  24. I’m not sure if last post took so I will try again. I met my ex online and was told.. The minute I saw your picture something in your eyes (forgot that part) I knew you were the one so I had to go out and sow my oats before settling down you scared me. No one has ever loved me like you do. There was plenty more and my romantic heart fell for it Hook, Line & Sinker!

  25. I have questioned myself as to whether I recently dated a sociopath. He was very keen and by the 2nd date had assumed I was his girlfriend, things escalated quickly. By date 3 he wanted more than friendship. He told me he loved me with 3 wks. Couldn’t believe he’d met me. Said I was special, I could be the best thing that happened to him in yrs. introduced me to his friends/family. He played the victim early on regarding his past relationships saying he’d been cheated on etc. I felt super lucky I’d met a nice guy.
    Prior to him breaking it off he sent me a text saying he’d lost his bank card, which I thought was odd. Then suddenly without warning goes cold on me and dumps me by text after 3 mths. After I tell him I had feelings he simply replied did I mean ‘ a feeling’. I never heard back from him. I felt like I’d been discarded and used. So I’m guessing he could fit this description..

  26. you know you are everything to me, you are the perfect mate, like I was made from your won rib. I love you deeply like I’ve always been yours. you are funny and witty, most of the time you can take a joke. you freakin make me so hot I can’t stand to not feel your touch and it literally drives me crazy. I love being your sub bc you are so gentle without being soft. You have the best leadership qualities of ANY man I’ve met. you make me want to do better as a wife, mother and person. you motivate me to reach my goals just by loving me like you do. I’ve never felt the kind of love you’ve given me before. you are my destiny
    M Dawn Howard
    Well, I love you more and more each day. It is my greatest desire in life to be your wife forever. Nothing is ever going to change that.
    M Dawn Howard
    You are the sweetest most genuine guy I have ever met. I love you with a love that will never die and never grow cold. I hope to spend a long life by your side, and continually grow in Christ with you. You are my prayers come to pass. I love you my dearest Paul and will cherish you all my days.
    M Dawn Howard
    I never knew what love really felt like. and I’m sorry that I thought you were co-dependent bc I thought it was abnormal for you to want to be around me so much, but I know now, I love you more deeply than I’ve ever loved anything, in this regard, and I want to be by your side forever. I never want to lose you and I won’t do anything completely stupid to even chance that. You are my hope and expected end
    M Dawn Howard
    Listen, I am really sorry I said that because it really isn’t the case. I want you now more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. You are my hope and my future. You are the man God has for me, the man I have been praying for all my life since I prayed that prayer at 8 years old. You are my life.

  27. I was in the same boat. The only difference is perhaps it all started as a LDR – I live in Central Europe and Narc lives in Canada.He saw some of my postings on FB, liked them and contacted me via pm. When I sent him a couple of my pictures he replied,”Exactly what I imagined…”. We started chatting on daily basis – three, four six hours a day. Narc was so charming, funny, charismatic and witty… Oh boy, how I loved these conversations!
    On the fith day he dropped his first L-bomb. When I reacted, “Look, I don´t like big words.” he repled promptly, “Oh , Canada is such a big country! We use a lot of big words here!”. He always had the perfect answer to just anything I might doubt or distrust.
    On day six he proposed to me.
    Some of Narc´s lines :
    – ” I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
    – ” We are meant to be together.”
    – ” Where were you 30 years ago?”
    – ” It is the Aries-Sag pull.”
    _ ” I would love you to get pregnant and carry my baby” ( Narc was 71 yrs old and had a vasectomy when he was young, I was in my mid-fifties ( !)
    – “I love you more than life itself.”
    Narc was freshly divorced living in his small car as he was homeless, but receiving his regular pension, so I thought he was not an unemployed guy with zero income.
    All the time my gut instinct was telling me something was off – how could somebody have fallen in love with me knowing NOTHING about me??
    However, I decided to play his game and see what was going to happen next. Soon Narc posted a long announcement on his FB page telling everybody he had found “the one” and “special” woman , was ready to commit to her and relocate to her country. Hmmm… my mouth fell on the floor. Literally.
    Now he was online all the time (“I am here for you 24/7), I woke up to read ILY morning messages and went to bed reading his ILY goodnight notes.
    Narc scheduled his relocation for September 1, 2016. His plan was to drive and move slowly across Canada visiting his kids, grandkids and relatives to say goodbye to them, in August he was going to reach Toronto, sell the car, purchase his flight ticket and come to live with me .
    I said to myself ok, one year time – I will get to know him better and decide how to handle this strange relationship.
    But in December 2015 he decided he could no longer live without me and re-scheduled his flight for January. I got pretty scared! i thought for myself, “Boy, this moving too fast!”
    But I did not say anything to him – in fact, I still took it as a joke…
    On the day of his arrival I went to the airport and was waiting. And when he turned up in the arrival hall, I got incredibly emotional! I ran up to him, hugged and kissed him saying, “So you did come, indeed!”.
    But… something was not quite right. He was somewhat indifferent, just said, “Hi baby” and made his way to the exit… I could see a stupid smile on his face. On the bus to my place he was talking to and flirting with almost every woman who happened to be sitting close enough. I was now something like a live accessory.
    At home he started making remarks on my flat – too small, cold, he has seen many bad places in Victoria, none as bad as mine. In a couple of days he was criticising this and that, myking comments on my hobbies, interests, my lifestyle. Soon he started giving me orders, now I was an inferior and he was my boss, deciding what to do with this or with that. When I was at work he went through my closets, drawers, tidied up, threw away some stuff – nobody gave him any permissions to do so! The second day after his arrival he sat down and worked on the budget. He decided to pay for the flat and utilities , I was supposed to pay for food, car and things for the dogs. Ok, i liked it.
    however, in just two hours he suddenly said, ” We made a mistake when we were doing the finances. I will still have to pay some bills in Canada in January and February, so you will have to pay for everything in these two months. You have some savings, don´t you? So, this won´t be a problem!”
    Soon Narc started getting offended with any slight or angry with my “misbehaviour”. I began to walk on eggshells… Had never felt that way before.Weird!
    After nine days we had an argument. Narc immediately grabbed the bag with his things – a few items of clothing, a very old towel and a toothbrush – his ONLY possessions – and walked out to a hostel. At the door I told him he to me he was very irresponsible, not serious and I felt he wanted to get me under his total control. he said nothing and left.
    When he walked out I got in touch with his ex-wife who was his third one . She told me he had been very controlling and self-centred all their marriage, absolutely reckless with money – one day he had it, next day it was gone. He was bankrupt at least five times in his life and their second bankruptcy together was what put her over the edge and she decided she would be better off on her own divorced from him. She did not want to warn me in advance as she thought I might not have believed her.
    After 10 days I got an email from Narc. He was still in the hostel. He wrote me a very sad and pitiful message saying he was fully responsible for the failure of our relationship as he was unable to cope with my interests – world of music and my dogs. Maybe a better man could handle it. He wished me a fantastic and joyful life.
    It was clear to me he was trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry he was leaving, replying to him and taking him back. I did not, and he had to come back to Canada.
    After coming back I heard some incredible things happening to him – he stayed with his friend for a few weeks, then fell out with him ( I guess his friend refused to carry out Narc´s orders), stayed a couple of days in a forest, then went to florida to pick up a car which he had been promised to get for free, but turned out to be a big scam, went back to toronto and stayed in the Salvation army dormitory… Really interesting and exciting life!
    What I think is after the divorce Narc had no place to live, nowhere to go, no money , and, most importantly, nothing to lose.
    Why not find a woman and fly to Europe??
    Luckily, I did not fall hard for him, but still… The illusion was great. Mr Perfect and Prince Charming in one person.
    Watch out for these types!

  28. I just want to say Thank God for this website! I only wish I had found it earlier, it would have saved me seven months of turmoil trying to figure out what the hell happened in my sad relationship. I had heard the word narcissistic but thought it just meant to be vain, so when I started googling some of the things the ex had done and said it all led me to this. It has been extremely eye-opening, to say the least! When I found this topic it was the icing on the emotional cake, as the nutjob I was with said nine of them to me, almost word for word, and pretty quickly too. Absolutely amazing, and not in a good way! I also got the love bombing, the future faking, and as an added twist, several breakups from him when things weren’t going his way, they were to teach me a lesson, or so he told me. And I am ashamed to say I kept going back. He knew I had been hurt before, and during the love bombing stage ( when he was pulling out all the stops and I thought he was Mr. Wonderful) I told him I was going to take a chance with him and not worry about being hurt. Needless to say, this was not a wise choice as it ended with him dumping me by text the first of the year, sending me a boatload of nasty messages, and then he proceeded to get on the dating sites two days later. Knife in my heart! I have been no contact for five months now, he is doing some sporadic hoovering but I will NEVER respond! Oh, he had the nerve to send me a mushy $6 valentine, and sign it your soul mate. Idiot. And we are both in our fifties, so apparently these people are like this their whole lives? Anyway, sorry to ramble on but just wanted to say THANK YOU Bree for this website, and THANK YOU to everybody who left a comment! Reading everyone else’s stories made me feel not so alone, as I have had no one to talk to who understands what this has been like. But we all know the song and dance, don’t we?? May we all find happiness, we deserve no less.

  29. There are female narcissists out there too. We met almost 3 years ago on Match.com. I was 61, she was 59. She lived only two miles away from me. I had been divorced only 7 months. I was love bombed. We were lovers within a month. Two weeks after that she invited me to go with her on a trip to her home in Iowa in two months. We made airline reservations. A month after the trip she broke up with me by text, on day which would cause the most emotional damage. Four months later, unknown to me, she had joined a social group of mine, which was very important to me, and appeared at a party without warning me. It was an awful night. Somehow she got word of other parties soon afterwards, hosted by people in my subgroup of the social group, and appeared there too. I no longer attend any of those events. It’s a very long story, and much too long to write here, about what a broken soul she is and how she continues to inflict emotional and financial damage on her husband, now for over 10 years. She is a lawyer and it costs her little to harass hime through the legal system. She told me she had been married twice. I discovered that she had been married four times and had genital herpes, which she didn’t tell me about. Fortunately I didn’t get it. She is a pathological liar.

    She attempts to contact me by email, at first only a few months after the breakup, and now about once a year. At first I foolishly replied. I now know what she really is and know it is only to inflict pain on me and feed her ego. I have blocked her.

    She told me:

    “I haven’t felt like this for forty years”
    “I had given up on finding someone and thought I would be alone. Now I have you.”
    “I want to take care of you.”
    “I will protect your heart”
    “I thought I would never feel this way again”
    “God brought us together.”
    “I like how you see me through your eyes.”

    There were more, which I can’t remember at this time. Fortunately she has moved further away to a suburban community. She continues to prey on the online dating sites. I block her or get off the site. She is a predator. They never last more than five months or so, about how long we lasted. A friend of a friend (social group) told me her latest is widower who was married for 44 years to his childhood sweetheart died from Alzheimers in 1/16. He started dating online after only three months and met her almost immediately. I wish I could warn him, but it is best to stay away from these things. He probably wouldn’t listen. I probably wouldn’t have. All he has to do is Google anyhow, and a couple of clicks later, it all comes up from court records. I never did google her either or I would found a lot of lies. All I can do now is protect myself, talk with my therapist, and continue to move on. Thank your providing this forum.

  30. Mine was a senior clinical psychologist. The manipulation she used is something I see in more depth as time goes by. She said she wasn’t a fall in love straight away kinda girl, but “this is different”. She Was looking to move in after a few months. When I started calling her on her behaviour I was diverted from the relationship issues as she had “traumas” going on in her life and then dumped like a hot brick when she was ready. She also insinuated herself into my social group, some of whom still hang out with her because she is charming and fun. I am hurt by their lack of loyalty, but I know she is a fake individual and more interested in keeping tabs on me than in them. And that’s not just with me. That’s something she does with all her exes, I just didn’t see it until it was too late. It is still a struggle to get over this and my trust in myself and others has been damaged.

  31. Yes, yes and yes. My ex Narc used some really great lines, here they are: I want to be the last man you’re ever with. I chose you! You are a pure spirit. I’ve never been so deeply connected to another person. I don’t deserve you. You are so beautiful that I don’t know what you are doing with ME! I will never lie to you and I will never hurt you. I don’t want anyone else but you. You are the woman of my dreams. I want to marry you someday. (All of these were said within 2 months of meeting each other – also, in the last line, notice the word “someday”. He used this word for close to seven years. It was the carrot dangling on the string and he always kept it out of reach). Flash forward 2 years…..he had been going on dating sites, flirting with women at work, having emotional AND a couple of one night stands….and told me he was so sorry and if it took him the rest of his life, he’d make it up to me. When I found out about the cheating his excuse was that he was so overwhelmed by his love for me, and so scared because he’d been through 2 divorces, that he felt like he had to have a “backup”, in the form of occasionally going on dating sites, etc….He love bombed me so hard and relentlessly that I took him back. (I know, I know). These Narcs are really masters of deceit. The final 2 years, things were really crazy. By this time, I was depressed (from all the gas lighting), horribly anxious and neurotic (from always wondering what he was doing when I wasn’t with him) and just basically felt insane. During a couple of breakups, he was seeing new supply, but always wrote me that she meant nothing to him and just wanted to be “friends”. I found out he was actually dating her, so I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. Long story short, they broke up, and he came back to me, once again, promising marriage, etc….But this time he seemed totally serious….we even started looking at houses together, he’d tell his friends and family that I was going to be his wife and so forth…..I fell for it, thinking he had finally changed. Things between us actually seemed better. We were calmer, there was no drama going on, I thought it was a miracle. (Of course, little did I know he was texting and phoning the NS the whole time). Within six months, he shot me an email ending our “relationship”. I was supposed to be seeing him that weekend. Yep, discarded me in an email after almost 8 years together. That was it. He’d found better supply and within a month was posting pictures of them together on social media, including an exotic vacation they took together. (He did this with me, too, within the first year……part of his wooing process). My self esteem wasn’t that great when we met, but it wasn’t horrible either, but by the time he got through with me, it was in the toilet. I had PTSD, I became physically ill for months….it was just horrific. My “soulmate” was actually a nightmare. I wish I’d seen this article early on, it would have confirmed some of my early doubts…..My gut was definitely telling me something, but the intensity and the romance was just too powerful. Maybe I watched too many Hollywood romantic movies growing up…..and I think this is what Narcs count on….that we all have wounded parts inside, and most people really do long for a soulmate, someone who “gets” them and on whom they can always depend. Someone who will truly love them. A love that was made in “heaven”. It’s all fake. It’s all baloney. A healthy, loving, positive relationship takes a long time to develop. There’s friendship, there’s trust, there’s honesty, and it takes TIME!!!! It takes YEARS to “really” get to know someone. We’ve all heard the stories about couples meeting and getting married two weeks later and ending up together for 50 years. Well, that’s a one in a trillion likelihood, but so many people long for that kind of thing….and Narcs know this! They use that longing that is in each of us, to their advantage. We believe (in the beginning) that only our soulmate would overwhelm us so intensely and so quickly. He/she is the ONE, we think! Finally! It’s true love and we’re experiencing it for the first time!!! It’s magic!! ACTUALLY, we are experiencing FAKE love for the first time. It’s a con. It’s not real. It’s manipulative. It’s the Narc’s way of achieving control and gaining supply. It has NOTHING to do with love. Nothing. The one positive aspect of having been with a Narcopath, is that I finally understand what love actually is! It is NOT like a sailboat, always tossed about….it’s like an oak tree, with roots firmly planted in the soil and it takes years for that oak to grow to be so mighty! Bless all of you out there and best wishes on your healing journey.

    1. My ex said a lot of the same things to me that your’s said to you, almost word for word! Unbelievable, and not in a good way. I read somewhere that sometimes the most painful lessons are delivered by someone masquerading as a soul mate. Is this not the truth 100%?

    2. Jana, mine N used the same lines:
      – I chose you
      – You were No 1 on my list
      – I have never been so deeply connected to another person (not a girl, nor a friend)
      And, in addition:
      – you are my everything
      – you are my sea (I asked why sea – he said – sea is at the end, everything goes in the sea)
      – my day is empty if I don’t speak with you

      1. “Sea is at the end, everything ends up in the sea”. Ha! That is an odd thing to say. Mine always told me he was going to love me like no man ever had. He was 100% right about that, it was just in a completely negative way. Ugh.

        1. Rosie,
          He works as a librarian (literature professor) and he used to say he wached a lot of movies. I guess he was suggesting that “I was the final love of his life” (which he said few times). Maybe I will come a cross that line some day watching some “odd love movie”.

          In addition, he said “I love you” on our first date. I replied – “of course you don’t love me, you might like me…” No, no…he was “sure” he loved me and I was the “one, his destiny, his soulmate”. Both of us are 48. He was separated then, I was single. We knew each other from a high school, but nothing else.

          Even when he was saying “I love you”, during love bombing phase – he was kind of cold, it was like a robot showing emotions. He never smiled, never touched me gently, everything was like with “a spasm”, uneasy. I felt it and I said it to him, but it was like saying it to the “wall”. Anyway, “love-bombing” phase was very, very short. Soon, silent treatment started, “cold-warm” phase, triangulation…everything, but almost until the end he would from time to time say something nice (but with a cold tone) – for e.g. “when I talk to you, I feel so pieceful” (needless to say he was 95% talking about his ex or problems with his daughter, acting like victim in a nasty divorce which was not even started)..However, he broke with me via “whatsup” message saying that he “Decided to go on alone, need a piece of mind, your love becomes a burden and with you I feel so much pressure”. That was a day before Christmas!

        2. Angie, ugh, he sounds horrible, just like the one I suffered with. Its amazing how much alike these toxic people can be. The one I was with broke up with me by text message, they are cowards! You deserve so much better, I wish you happiness and peace in this New Year

  32. After 25 years of mind f@ck from a very cruel, selfish manipulator I finally realise that I married a narcissist.
    The actual realisation hit me on uncovering an affair he had 2 years ago,
    I now suspect there have been others in the past too. I found a face
    book conversation between him and OW and within 12 days of the
    affair he’s not only bashing me down but he was openly declaring his love for her.
    These are a few examples:
    “It’s taken me 52 years to finally feel complete and comfortable”
    “Can’t believe after only 12 days I’ve found the lady of my dreams”
    “I want to hold you in my arms, protect you and love you my angel”
    “It won’t be long now and we can be together forever, I love you”
    I found out he was planning on leaving me and was moving in to her home to which she was encouraging greatly too.

    1. Anon .. I am so relieved to read your post .. I thought i was alone in the length and timing of my situation .. after 20 years .. in a time of personal crisis for our family – I found out he was cheating (December 2016). I am still in disbelief, especially since he had 20 years from which to choose to do this and he waited until the absolute darkest time in the life of our kids and our family to pull this. Upon confronting him in a text battle later – he admitted to having cheated casually once before. This time though he said that he is in love .. he has been with her for 6 months and they have each left their families for each other.

  33. He told me ALL of these the first week that we met. I was naive and really believed him, and thought all of this was true love. I wish I had known about the existence of narcissists before I let him move in with me and start a relationship… I would of have saved myself a year of misery! Funny how he proposed and 2 weeks later he completely dropped me. He humiliated me when he dumped me, so cold and mean, no empathy…told me to stop crying, that I was exaggerating and crazy. UGH. He destroyed me. When we met I was a confident, social butterfly, and creative woman. Now I can’t even recognized myself, he manipulated me into not seeing my friends, he doubted about my abilities and criticized my appearance, making me self conscious. If my life wasn’t revolving around fixing his problems and his goals he would go into a rage and make made me feel bad. My life became about taking care of HIM and his mood swings. He would get angry when I didn’t complete “tasks” i was “given”. Like a dog. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? how did I ever let myself be treated like shit by this complete douchebag loser. Who had no spine, passion or talents? He didn’t even have a JOB! fuck never again …lesson learned.

  34. I just want to say Thank you!! for your articles. I have just come across your site and everything you have described in your articles is exactly what I’ve experienced and continue to try and heal from. It’s been 10 months since the very painful and traumatic breakup. I was very much “Love-bombed” in the beginning and during the “good” moments of our relationship, which is why it has been extremely hard to completely get over. I have been told some of these things you mention here, including “I Love You” within a few days of meeting him. “You’re an angel”, “you’re a princess”, “sexy”. When talking about his ex he would say it didn’t work out with her because he “didn’t Love her like me”. He would tell me he “never did or would do the things he did for me for his ex”. He said “I always wanted a classy girl like you” etc.

  35. Somehow I think I am attracting these types. I don’t believe my husband was one, but I’ve had a few male facebook friends seem a bit forward and odd, and one in particular. We got to chatting, he’s divorced and we shared stories, poured out our hearts about our failed marriages etc. Next thing you know he’s calling me through messenger. He would never be my type physically, but he has a way of seeming like someone who could sweep a woman off their feet. So sweet, wanted to know everything about me, was so interested in everything and had a million questions. Then he hit me with “I love you”. He was drinking and I said “Oh That’s just the alcohol talking.” The next day he said it wasn’t and that he loved me, that he prayed to God for someone like me, asked if I would consider having another child. He lives out of state so he was talking about moving here. I was like “Wait, What? You can’t love me, we’ve never even met and have only been chatting for less than a month. I have not met him, nor am I going to. Something felt off in the very beginning of our conversations and initially I thought he was just lonely. I really think I dodged a bullet!

    1. My ex Narc sounds similar to a lot of these. What is crazy is I can feel the chemistry and attraction between us. There’s no one else who turns me on like him. Yeah I tried. I dated a little and messed around I’m just not attracted to anyone else yet. I am afraid if I sit alone much longer I will go back! I almost considered taking him back today.
      A month ago we were in therapy I wanted to end it. He wanted to work it out. I reluctantly agreed. The very next day he waited until I went to work and packed all his stuff and left a lame note saying going to Ybor for a few days. I will always be faithful to you. I love you. Parker Huhta… he just wanted to be the one to end it. I thought he was making progress but it always collapsed

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