How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist

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If you’re trying to get over a narcissist, there’s a lot of information on the Internet about the “no contact rule” and how to implement it. The problem is, with the passage of time, people develop relationship amnesia, and just around the time relationship amnesia begins to set in, the narcissist, like a tornado, will regenerate and strike again. No contact is good, but going Stover is even better. No that wasn’t a typo. Stover is a term a friend of mine coined, that means the relationship is “So Totally OVER” or Stover. Going Stover is a lot like going no contact only on Red Bull, and best of all it protects against dreaded relationship amnesia.

Tornadoes are the most powerful and deadly weather phenomena on land. Like narcissists, they destroy everything in their path and hurl debris over great distances, and the second you rebuild, they will strike again. Fortunately, taking the added measure of going Stover, is like kryptonite to the vortex of the narcissist’s tornado, from ever regenerating.

What is Stover?

Stover is NOT just no contact, no response for a certain amount of time to clear your head, and heal your heart. Stover is a frame of mind. It’s your new mantra. It’s rejecting anyone who doesn’t appreciate you. It’s closing the door forever and putting a padlock on it. It’s accepting the relationship is finished, and there’s no turning back, no matter what. It’s ensuring there is zero possibility of any reconciliation, or potential for a future friendship. It’s letting go of the need for vindication, or hope of an apology. It’s accepting that the outcome was inevitable. It’s building an impenetrable fort of protection. It’s erecting a boundary that is indestructible. It’s reacting proactively to guard against relationship amnesia. It’s feeling confident about permanently ejecting toxicity from your life. It’s crossing the bridge, then throwing a grenade over your shoulder, and blasting the bridge to bits. It’s diffusing the narcissist’s vortex from ever regenerating. It’s taking back your power. It’s the sum of many small actions that equal complete and total self-love. It’s the loudest silent message that the relationship is not just over, it’s Stover!

Why Stover?

Let’s be honest. Breakups are hard. Being broken up with is hard, but a breakup with a narcissist is pure hell. At the same time, it is also a gift, that is only realized once all that residual brainwash has had time to fade away. A narcissist’s manipulation tactics only work on certain types of people, although you don’t necessarily have to adopt the label of co-dependent just yet. There are many people who aren’t co-dependent but are susceptible to a narcissist’s manipulation tactics. These people are emotionally generous, empathetic, forgiving, honest, and willing to take responsibility. Narcissists view these qualities as vulnerabilities or weakness and use them against their victims. In reality, these qualities are strengths the fragile narcissist is totally void of. It’s like the popular quote says: “It’s more courageous to have a soft heart in a hard world,” than the opposite. The answer isn’t to become like the monster you’re battling or the vampire who bit you but to recognize that the qualities that are part of who you are, are the qualities that put you in danger in the presence of toxic people. Embracing the mind frame, and implementing the guiding principle of going Stover when breaking up with a narcissist, is the added protection that guards against getting sucked backed into the narcissist’s vortex, and decreases the chances that it will regenerate in the future.

First, it is important to identify the three main emotional re-entry points that need to be addressed.

Hoping for change

Some people have a difficult time closing that door, much less changing the locks because they tend to see the good in people and hold on to that hope that their ex will change. So, they say and act as if the relationship is over, but in their heart of hearts, they clearly leave the door cracked slightly open. They cling to the hope the narcissist will reach some sort of divine epiphany that causes him/her to feel remorse and show up at their door, olive branch in hand, repenting for his/her misdeeds while reciting a litany of I’m sorry’s.

Narcissists may come back and apologize, and say every last word you have hoped to hear, crocodile tears and all. Their make-believe remorse will be short-lived. Once you are back under their spell, the mask will slip off again. Only this time, an eviler version of the monster within will reveal itself.

Relationship amnesia

Emotionally generous people are typically forgiving to a fault, usually to their own detriment. With the passage of time, their non-grudge-holding natures, cause them to remember the good memories and forget about all the horrible things the narcissist said and did. The memories of all the constant criticisms over the most trivial things get transformed into constructive criticisms. All the out-right lies get downgraded to mere exaggerations. Even though the narcissist blamed them for every single problem in the relationship, they remind themselves that they weren’t exactly perfect. They fail to recall the insanity of the crazy-making conversations, that left them scratching their heads in disbelief, feeling invalidated, and wanting to bang their heads against a brick wall.

Learning to set clear boundaries by quickly expelling toxic people from your life, is a good habit to practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets and protects you from suffering bad bouts of relationship amnesia.

Friction avoiders

Then there are people who leave the door open a crack because they hate leaving things on bad terms. Any kind of friction in their lives produce feelings of discomfort. So, they avoid ejecting people from their circle, even when they know it’s for their own good. Their peacekeeping nature isn’t comfortable having enemies; thus, they settle for a large circle, filled with a lot of frenemies.

Sometimes things don’t end well or neatly like we would like them to. Sometimes endings are messy and complicated. Learning to be comfortable and confident in your decisions, without worrying about being liked, or what others think, is an essential step to happiness and recovery.

Even when you implement no contact, no response, at some point, whether it takes five months or five years, most narcissists will pull the ole’ boomerang trick. They will try to test the boundaries of no contact, just to prove they can, and assess how much control they still have over you.

Failing to recognize and address re-entry points, and the reasons for leaving the door open, however so slightly, allows the narcissist to pull the ole’ boomerang trick (hoover), and bounce back into your life.

Since I have yet to hear about a narcissist who has reappeared because they truly loved their ex, or sincerely realized the errors in their ways, there is no reason not to completely go Stover, and slam that door shut and change the locks. There are only a few exceptions where it’s not possible to go Stover –if you are co-parenting children with the narcissist, work with the narcissist, or some other reason, then limiting contact, while maintaining the Stover frame of mind, is the second best option.

The guiding principle of Stover

Remember, Stover is a state of mind. It’s a mantra. It’s permanently ejecting toxicity from your life. There is only one main guiding principle of going Stover, and that is to batten down ALL the hatches. Now that you’re aware of the possible emotional points of re-entry, it’s time to focus on all the other possible forms of re-entry, and extinguish all potential avenues for cyber-assault.

Facebook first 

Typically, the narcissist will not immediately de-friend you from Facebook, because it would deny them the added enjoyment of cyber-abusing you, by making negative, vague, or outright false statements about you, via comments on mutual friend’s posts, or on their own page, and by flaunting the new love of their life. The social media displays of their new relationship utopia are just another manipulation tactic, to deceive you and everyone else, into thinking that you were at fault for the relationship’s end, and they finally found a person who is worthy of their greatness.

Even if you aren’t still Facebook friends with your ex-narc, there are some very important steps available, that you can take to protect yourself.

This step is not for the faint of heart, but you will thank yourself later for following this suggestion. If you are Facebook friends, go to your ex’s Facebook page, and delete every comment you ever made on every post. If you can, do it when you think your ex is asleep, and will not notice the disappearing comments. Then delete your ex’s comments on your own Facebook page. Delete all pictures of your ex, or save them to a file on your computer, labeled “trash to delete at a later date”. Now you’re ready to delete and block your ex from Facebook.

Why go through all this trouble?

Because if you delete your ex without first wiping away your comments from his/her Facebook page, when you update your profile picture, even after you delete and block them, they will be able to see your updated profile picture by viewing any comments you’ve made on their page, and vice versa. Do you really want to see all those lovey-dovey profile pictures of your ex, and the clueless new victim, while viewing your page? And your ex does not need to stay updated on your love-life either. Of course, you are going to hit the gym and look 100 times better, especially since the N stress has vacated your life. And it’s, oh so tempting, to want to rub all your hotness in their face, but this relationship is Stover. So, none of that matters, and you don’t want to give them a single reason to return.

If it’s too late, and you have already deleted them, or they deleted you, don’t worry. Just go to your Facebook page, and manually delete all their comments and pictures, and then click the block button. If they have blocked you, just block them right back, just in case they decide to ever unblock you.

Next, it’s time to delete and block all their family members. If you feel inclined, you can send a polite message to anyone that you may have become close with, explaining your reason for deleting them is not personal, but something you feel you need to do. Then do the same with any mutual friends that you suspect may be on their team, or may share information about you. It’s better to error on the side of caution. You only want to surround yourself with people who are 100% team (insert your name here).

All other social media

Once you have cyber-sealed Facebook, make a list of every social media site you are on, even ones you don’t use often, and delete and block your ex, his/her family, and any and all suspected allies. This will not only prevent the potential for contact, but let’s face it, we all get curious, and these steps will prevent the urge to cyber-peek. Staying updated on your ex will not only keep you stuck and re-open old wounds, but it opens you up to the myriad of narc-sadistic cyber-abuse tactics. The less you know, the better. Remember what curiosity did to the cat.

Other re-entry points

PHONE: Change your ex- narcissist’s name in your phone to Psycho, Narcissist, Don’t Answer, Sociopath, Loser, or whatever the creative and fitting name of your choosing. If you receive a phone call, let it go to voicemail, or use the block option on your smartphone. If you receive a text, don’t respond. Don’t even respond that you will not be responding. If they’re harassing you, or incessantly texting or calling you, CHANGE YOUR NUMBER.

EMAIL: You can either block their email address or adjust your email settings to have any emails from their email address go directly to your spam file. Or, you can choose to do nothing. If you receive an email in five months or five years, don’t open it. Forward it to one of your real friends. You know who they are. They are the ones that can’t stand your ex, and never share any information they may have heard through the grapevine about your ex.  They care about you and know that staying in the know about your ex’s life will harm you more than help you. Let your friend decide if there is anything in the email you must be aware of, chances are there won’t be. Do the same, should you receive any form of ex- N snail mail.

Clear your home

Now, that you have cyber-erased your ex from your life, it’s time to clear your home of any reminders. Go through each room, and put every picture or memento you have in a box, and drive that box to the nearest dump, or better yet, invite your friends over for a ceremonial bond-fire. Remember, the relationship is Stover, no use holding on to anything that you will never need. If there is an item that you just can’t bear to part with at the moment, put it in a box, and give it to one of your real friends to hold on to for you.

Mutual friends

Now it’s time to prepare for the possibility of running into mutual friends, or worse, your ex. The best way to do this is to avoid going to places where you might end up bumping into your ex, or your any mutual friends. Sounds simple enough. But with that said, you have every right to live your life. So, if you happen to bump into mutual friends, don’t mention your ex, don’t ask about your ex, don’t even utter their name. If your mutual friends bring up the subject of your ex, or try to pump you for information, just politely change the subject. They will get the hint.

If you run into your ex, remember this relationship is Stover for a reason, probably for hundreds of reasons. This is not the run of the mill typical breakup with an emotionally healthy person. Healthy people never mention their breakup on social media, much less show up in pictures with their new “soulmate”, within weeks of breaking up. You don’t need a therapist or psychiatrists, to officially diagnose your ex with a personality disorder, for proof. If you landed on this site, or any site about narcissism, then that’s all the proof you need, that your ex is toxic, and no good will ever come from maintaining an open door of contact with them. You don’t owe them anything! Not a hello, not a hi, not a hey, not eye-contact, or a disingenuous smile, nothing!

If you want to “heal it, you have to seal it,” so take the big red stamp, and officially declare the relationship Stover! —So Totally OVER!

 

Bree Bonchay, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with over 18 years of experience working in the field of mental health and trauma recovery. She specializes in helping people recover from toxic relationships and shares her insights about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and psychopathy in her blog FreeFromToxic. Her articles have been featured in major online magazines and she has appeared on radio as a guest expert. She is also a dedicated advocate, educator, and facilitates survivor support groups and workshops.

 

 


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Similar articles you might like are:

The “Good” in “Goodbye”

The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics

Is The Narcissist As Happy With The New Woman As Appears To Be On Facebook?

 

Copyright © 2015 Bree Bonchay. All Rights Reserved.

188 thoughts on “How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist

  1. This is the only approach that will work with a Narc and I truly believe, the only way to save your own sanity. I didn’t know any of the coping strategies when I left the Narc in my life, they evolved to “No Contact” very quickly. It IS hard for normal people to “stover”, normal people think there might be something to salvage down the road, or even rekindle. That is crazy rare even for non-Narcs and only keeps a Target raw and revictimized by their own (good) empathy and character.
    I love your steps for FB! That one step alone is so empowering.
    Another wonderful post!

    1. Karin, “and only keeps a target raw and re victimized by their own (good) empathy and character’. Exactly! I know many people will have a difficult time implementing this right off the bat, but the sooner they adopt the Stover mantra, the faster they will heal. Thank you for your comment!

      1. Dear Ms. Bonchay,

        I do hope you get this post. I do not currently have Facebook or Twitter, but wanted to contact you to let you know what this article has meant to me.

        I am writing to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your dedication to helping others deal with narcissistic people in their lives. I discovered your website a few days ago as I did a broad internet search of how to deal with a narcissistic father. And I can’t tell you what peace and closure your site gave to me at a time when I was making a crucial decision. I only wish I’d found you and your advice sooner in life.

        My parents divorced when I was 4 and I’ve grown up living with my mother. Though I’ve seen my father throughout my childhood, I have always known from a very young age how selfish he really was. I never thought to try to match a personality disorder to his bazaar behavior until this month. I started doing a little online research starting with the word “ego” and “megalomaniac”. That quickly lead me to narcissism. I found a site that listed about 20 qualities that make up a narcissistic person. He fit ALL 20! I was beyond shocked that there was actually a name to associate with his personality type. I was also scared to think how evil a narcissistic person really is underneath. I can’t even begin to tell you how narcissistic my father is. You’ve probably never met a person quite like him… he is honestly THAT bad. Let’s just say that if you looked up the definition of narcissism in the dictionary, you’d find his name listed.

        I decided a number of years ago to distance myself from my father, though I’ve never had the courage to completely cut him out of my life. I have successfully removed toxic relatives from my life thus far, but I’ve always been slightly afraid of what my father would do to me, or my mother, if I ever cut ties with him. This year, however, I came to the conclusion that my health was more important than keeping him in my life, but it was your website and specifically your paragraph about going “Stover” that made me make up my mind.

        I took your words to heart. Your one paragraph entitled “What is Stover?” gave me all the strength and courage I needed. You wrote exactly what I would have, if I’d been able to find the words or known what personality disorder I’d been dealing with all these years. And in just a few sort days I really have made “Stover” my new mantra. I have printed out your paragraph and I read it when I need to build up my confidence and remind myself that I did the right thing. I really do believe that it’s important to reject anyone who doesn’t appreciate or respect you, especially when you’ve shown that person all the love and respect in the world. I have built, as you say, an impenetrable fort of protection and an indestructible boundary.

        After receiving a very cruel birthday card from my father this year, I started to write a letter pouring out my heart telling him exactly what I thought of him and pointing out all the hurt he’s caused me over the years. Then I read that you can’t reason with a narcissist because they will admit to nothing and only come back at you 10 times worse, accusing YOU and making YOU feel like the guilty one. He will NEVER apologize or admit to any wrongdoing. So, I sent his $50 check back with a few simple words of type saying that I do not want him contacting me ever again.

        My father has always thought of me as a naïve, impressionable little girl. I never ever raised my voice to him or told him what I thought of him. They do say the pen is mightier than the sword and I DO indeed feel that by sending my little note I have taken back the power I have always had deep down. I have made a promise to myself to not answer his phone calls or emails and I will return any mail back to him unopened. And if anyone on that side of the family tries to approach me on his behalf, I will not speak to them either.

        Anyway, I just had to contact you to let you know what your words meant to me. I am 28 and I’ve finally got the demon out of my life and I can’t thank you enough for helping me to see the light. You are a true kindred sprit.

        1. Carly, thank you for sharing. I’m so glad that my article empowered you to protect yourself and your health. I’m am just so sad that the narcissist you have to protect yourself from is your father. I wish you much peace & happiness my friend. Xx ~ Bree

      2. I found your site by searching narcs and control… and I cant believe how a lot of the blogs are very applicable. My Narc discarded me, but then wanted me to chase him, since I did’t it has been a Hell of a year! I filed for divorce and I thought he would just let me go — but no, he lies, doesn’t turn in his financials and it using our child as is pawn. I stop reacting – although sometimes he baits me. I deleted him from all social media, but he still has a few of my family members and friends. I tell them not to ever post anything.

        My question is – why is he so angry? Why cant he just let it go… Why all this drama and extra legal fees, by the way I am the blame for everything in this life.

        1. Emma, it’s all about control and winning. Since he can no longer control you the way he used to, he has to find new ways-through your child, legally, etc… and if he can succeed in making your life miserable to boot, to him that’s a win and your punishment for filing for divorce and challenging his control. Which I’m sure caused the biggest narcissistic injury.
          He (and all Narcopaths) have always been angry and that’s why they’re abusive but since you aren’t bending to his will, his anger has turned more overt.
          Good for you for deleting him. Try not to let him bait you. Google the gray rock method if you haven’t already.
          Blessings~ Bree

  2. This is incredible. I have been telling my clients and radio show fans http://www.mentalhealthnewsradio.com (this is a free show and we have done many, many shows on NVS) to use the Gray Rock Method but going STOVER is brilliant. I do think it is awesome that I went STOVER a couple of years ago before I ever learned the language of narcissistic abuse. Somehow we instinctively know. I thought I was insane for what I was doing. Now I realize that I was fighting for sanity and my soul. Thank you for this incredible article and please let me know if you’d ever like to be a guest on the show. I would love to do an entire segment on STOVER. You can email me at kristin.s.walker@gmail if you are interested. Again…thank you.

    1. Kristen, thank you for comment. I especially love the way you said “now I realize that I was fighting for sanity and my soul”. Couldn’t have said it better! I would love to be a guest, and appreciate your asking!

  3. OMG! I love love love this article!! What an excellent read! So many years I have wasted by things just being “over” and then foolishly going back with the ex Narcopath! It’s like getting hit in the face with a joke pie every time! You end up hating yourself more for staying in the losing game and subjecting yourself to more torture! Took me about a decade of “break-ups” and “This time it’s for real!”, til I finally went Stover!! I blocked that Narcopath from my FB, changed my phone number, and still I get the occasional “re-entry” attempts via email trying to put the net out for me. “You’re right, I will never find someone like you! I wish you the best.” And all that jazz. I no longer fall for it. In fact, ever since I went Stover, this person, whom I loved deeply became such a joke to me and the emails remind me of a low-life predator I used to know. Later fool! Yes, I was the best, you moron! C’mon people! Go Stover!!! 🙂

  4. It’s extremely disappointing not to see more examples of sharing children with a toxic atrocious narcissist. My two kids are the only reason this jackass is in our lives and why we have to deal with his abuse. In fact my children have to put up with him more than me now and he is wreaking havoc in our lives for 15 years now and were not done with his BS, for at least another 5-10 years, when the kids can choose more for themselves. He has ruined our lives but rarely do I see tactics to deal with that. Were just supposed to go along with it or I can try to go back to the corrupt court that sang his virtues the first time around

    1. Sherry, I agree with you. There are so many people in your predicament. There is information out there, but like you expressed and experienced the courts are usually fooled by these expert manipulators even when you follow the tactics to a T. It feels like defeat every time. I am hoping that spreading awareness of narcissistic abuse a long with all the others that are as well, will not only prevent more people from falling victim to these predators but will get the legal system to wake up and become educated about the very covert and extremely damaging effects narcissistic abuse has on children and families. If you haven’t already, join my Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/narcopath.

    2. I agree. Despite me having no contact with the ex he abuses the kids that live with me. He makes demands and if they dont comply he stops their alimony forcing them back to court. He sends awful cards to their places of training even though we have a restraining order and the court do nothing, in fact they gave him the house. He tried having the kids taken into care 10yrs ago when he first left telling social services I was an alcoholic and getting his father to write letters saying I was unfit. It has been hell and we got another card for my son today berating him for no contact. No contact drives him insane but if we contact him he tortures us.
      I laughed out loud when I read above the bit about facebook pictures of the new love of his life because that is exactly what he wrote underneath them.
      I didnt know what I was dealing with until very recently. Thank you

    3. I wish I could have understood that my partner is a narcissist early on. His family even told me he is a narcissist but I was so much in love, and had no prior knowledge of what that really meant, so I didn’t listen. 5.5 years of anxiety and psychological trauma (tempered with ever-decreasing bouts of bliss and false humility) later and I am pregnant with our second child. As with the first pregnancy it has been ruined by psychological games. I love our little daughter more than anything and got back together with him (after separating successfully – fool) because I still had feelings for him and wanted her to have the home and family that I didn’t have. Just now I am beginning to understand what is really going on. I am exhausted from working full time to support him, being pregnant and caring for our toddler (whose daycare I also have to pay for while I work – after being promised that I would have my dream of being a stay at home Mum), running everything and putting up with the emotional blackmail and abuse. Our son is due in 2 months. I am on the verge of going it alone (again), but after the last 3 weeks of hell he has turned on the nice tap again. I am so frightened that I don’t have what it takes to separate. I will lose the $8000 he owes me which I need for maternity leave, and know there is just so much hell to get through. And even then, as you know – it’s almost as hard being separated as it is being together, as he never really leaves me alone and plays control games with our daughter. Unfortunately his family no longer support me due to the fact that last time a lawyer helped me to get a protection order and parenting order against him, and I only have my elderly mother, so I have very little support. And there will be a lifetime of this, won’t there? My poor babies – I so feel that I have failed them, and my mother, when all my heart wanted was a loving home and family. I wish narcissisist identification was taught in schools! End rant and cry.

  5. Even though I already insist on no contact. It’s hard when we have children. But I have taken all the steps I can to completely have as little contact. The biggest is non verbal!!! Even with the kids he can text. He still continues to torture us all and uses my kids to get to me. Great article to remind one to reinforce all tactics necessary

  6. So totally over….. Stover. Best mantra ever. Of course, a series of steps. No contact being the ultimate stepping stone. Great article indeed. Vocabulary on the increase. ” STOVER”. Thanks.

  7. Good post and I have to admit I have left the door open more than a crack for my ex girlfriend. However there is something in this post and other posts which raises a question in my mind. Do all Narcissists have to be evil in their intentions? My ex had very little if no empathy, got angry and yelled easily, was very controlling, and based the relationship on what I did for her and it was never enough. However I could never think of her as evil. It was more like being with a 2 year old in an adult body. There was just a hole inside that could not be filled. Maybe she was more Borderline than Narcissist. The difference has always been blurry to me.

    1. Mullguy, in my opinion, anyone who takes pleasure in emotionally hurting and exploiting others, using others, manipulating others, creating drama, turning people against each other, distorting the truth, and doesn’t feel the least bit remorseful, in fact, feels entitled to do so, is evil and certainly lacks a conscience and moral ethics. How do we know they take pleasure in it? Because when confronted about their behavior they deny, gaslight, project, etc… And because they can flip it on and off when it suits them.

  8. Great Post. I love the term going Stover. Very well articulated. Excellent writing you put into words many of us struggle to describe. 💜

    1. Debra, thank you! And your article, “What Narcissistic Abuse Does To A Woman”, is so visually powerful, as well as, well written and why Stover is so important! I would love to share your article on my FB Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationship Forum.

      1. Thank you so much. Please feel free to share. I want women to know and understand how important no contact is. I want them to visually see what narcissistic abuse does. I know there are men that are abused as well, but I think it’s more common for women.

        Thank you
        Debra

  9. Help me out here…how do you modify this to work when you “coparent” a small child? I am having difficulty just going “no contact” and every three days I am sucked back in. I need to heal but we live 10 blocks away from each other and have a five year old. I can’t exactly erase his father from his life. I have reached out for help in my community and surrounding area, but it is such a small depressed area that there seem to be no help.

    1. Erica, that is a great question. Co-parenting makes it nearly impossible to implement no contact, much less going Stover. I get asked this question often. I think it deserves an article all to itself. Follow my blog via email. I will touch on this very important issue soon. Thank you for your comment. ~ Bree

  10. It seems like this would be easier to do when the Marc is your parent but I find it so difficult to cut her out completely. Any words of advice for the adult child of a Narcissist?

    1. Overcomingone, it is a different dynamic when the narc is a parent. You have to do what’s right for you. A lot of adult children of Narc’s limit contact and only will have conversations with the narc parent when there is a “safe” person in the room (keeps the narc on their best behavior) or over email. It’s important to have firm boundaries and not feel “guilty” for needing to do what you feel is best for you. ~Best, Bree

  11. Thank you for your post. I love going “Stover”. I thought I was just immature and stupid when I did this 30 years ago – but this was before the internet and cell phones. I distanced myself from ALL mutual friends, distanced from anywhere I thought he would be and totally ignored him when he tried to “stare me down” a year after our breakup. What I thought was immature was actually just me protecting myself. Thanks for the reminder that I did the right thing and that going back to him would have just brought more pain….

    1. Shar, You instinctively knew what to do to protect yourself and prevent more pain. Our instincts usually never fail us, we all should listen to them and trust them more often. Thank you for sharing and commenting!

  12. I have just recently discovered through websites like these that my ex-husband is a narc, although not as serious as some I have read of. I recognize parts of my life in these articles. We are divorced and have been for 16 years. Our children are grown, but I can get completely away from him since we have children and grandchildren now together. I finally had to tell him to quit calling me about the kids doing this or that or not talking to him as they are all full grown adults and he has to fight his own battles. Quit being a jerk for one thing. My therapist agrees that he doesn’t sound like a full-grown, completely bad narc, but there is definitely some narcissism there.

  13. What if you have a narcissistic sibling that keeps posting horrible things about you on her Facebook page, and has started accusing her family of child abuse… We as a family really don’t know what to do. I could cope while it was only petty, but the accusations are becoming wilder and wilder because she wants us to react and give her the attention.

    She has posted numerous things about how expensive it is to go to court over slanderous writing online, as if to taunt us by saying “You can’t get me even if you wanted to!”.

    Any advice? Its all very well to say ‘Ignore it’, but she is happily destroying friendships and attacking anyone that doesn’t agree with her.

    1. Hi Anthony, I know how hard it is to “just ignore it’ but anything else will just feed the narcissism and tend to make it worse. It’s obviously not always easy to implement no contact when it’s a family member, but that’s the only way you can detach from the toxic. If she is getting a reaction from you, it’s supply. No reaction equals no supply and hopefully she will get bored and stop. I would imagine true friends are seeing through her. Those that don’t, you might want to consider pulling away from them as well. Good luck ~ Bree

  14. Thank you!
    As I explain to the more narrow minded, it is not a man-woman thing, but a boots-doormat thing.
    It took me over 20 years to take my head out if my ass. Another 2 years to put on a set and go down her memory lane and ASK. Everyone else had the same version of each story she told differently.

  15. I am overwhelmed atm.
    I found this article after my ex has been inferring to me as being a NARC.
    It didn’t help when a counsellor asked me if I was bi-polar. That seemed to be the catalyst for him to accuse me of all sorts of things.

    I love the idea of the STOVER but we co-parent 2 teenagers and its so hard to not get dragged into the constant arguments about everything and nothing!
    To make matters worse, I am living in the family home that is still being paid for. As part of his child support he is continuing to pay most of the mortgage. I love this place, but I feel I am going to lose it because I won’t be able to stay because he has this hold over me with the mortgage and makes unreasonable demands.

    Your advice has been very helpful, thank you for that. Plus I have other links to refer to as well.

  16. Hi… Thanks for this blog I am currently going thorough a break up with my narcissist husband who has already filled my replacement…. But still contacts me telling me he loves me and I’m always going to be the one…. Then I don’t hear from him in couple of weeks and then he’s comes swooping back… But the new victim has no idea and hates me… He’s told her I’m at fault for everything and that she is the women he’s always been looking for.. And she’s everything I’m not … It got so bad with the name calling on Facebook that I sent her some messages dated only 2 weeks ago where he’s trying to get back with me but she’s believing his story that its all lies.. He cheated on me all thought our marriage and I have only started to feel normal again I was reduced to a zombie I had no life… It was all about him… After I started to tell him how I felt and how I was unhappy the mask slipped and he hated me…. And told this girl he only cheated on because I gained weight and he didn’t find me unattractive any more…. But still to this day he’s pesters me with killing messages asking how I’m doing or
    That he’s.missing me…… When will this end… I feel like I’m living in a night mare… I feel soo low I can’t slepp eat or function… My family are really worried about me.. Help!!!

    1. I’m sorry and I know what you’re going through. My ex I was about to marry, replaced me with 2 identical clones of me! one lives here in NY, the other lives in Canada I’m trying to cope with that after I caught him cheating, he never contacted me again, like I meant nothing to him. He did send me a text from a fake number claiming to be his current girlfriend telling me how I deserved to get cheated on. Not that I could ever take him back, but I wanted to reassurance that I actually meant something and that he does think of me. That’s what the hardest thing for me to accept.
      In your case I was very sick after I couldn’t sleep and was rushed to ER from taking sleeping pills I had a reaction from. My advice hang out with positive people, stay busy! Go to the gym, plan a vacation with friends, go out to dinners stay active!
      I landed a new job I was after with a great salary overall a dream come true and amazing opportunity, that’s the only thing keeping me semi sane. But I still cry over him.

      1. Thank u for replying it gives me some comfort that I’m not alone… I hope you ok .. These type of men ruin peoples lives… He’s ruined mine I feel complety hopeless and that I only mean something if he says so…. He’s made me feel like nothing and his new girl is sure to boast how I’m not wat he wanted…. We are still married and he’s living with some one else… It breaks my heart it was our sons birthday yesterday and he didn’t even send a card or anything… How did my best friend my husband turn into this… He’s additcted to cocaine and I never condond it but this new girl does… He’s says I’m boring beacuae I don’t want to get high or drink till 6 in the morning but I have responsibilities….. My family say I need to move on but I can’t stop thinking about him….. 🙁

        1. read my story below. i am still devastated 2 months post break up. We were going to get married. We knew each other for years and finally officially came together last year, instant chemistry everything was perfect. We called it fate, since we met long ago when we were so young.
          He planed drugs in his house accused me of them, when I don’t do drugs at all! This happened a day before a trip we were going on, I think he did it so I wouldn’t go on the trip. Because during the trip he ignored me, embarrassed me in front of his friends and even pushed me down when we were taking a photo. I’m now convinced it was his all along and he planted it to start a fight with me hoping I would cancel my trip.
          Love Bomb stage lasted 6 months, then the D&D behavior went on for 5 months when I was finally giving up he cried and begged for me back, he sais I was the ONE, I am his soul mate and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me! 24 hours later I caught him with another girl at his house, she looked exactly like me!! I’m beyond devastated!!! His expression showed me no guilt, his response to me was cold and short “Whatever Get over it” but 24 hours prior to that, I was the ONE!?? A total mind f*ck is an understatement, I was mentally raped of my feelings, my emotions my future plans were robbed.

        2. tt, it’s only been two months. Be patient with yourself. Healing from this kind of mental and emotional damage takes time and a little tenacity. You were absolutely betrayed, manipulated and emotionally raped! It’s too soon to be happy you dodged a big bullet with this man. You first have to process the trauma, devastation, betrayal and mind-freakery. It’s not easy and it takes time but as the cognitive dissonance fades more and more you will get to the point where you will feel less devastated and more relieved and angry as hell and rightfully so. Read my article called, How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist. You want to make sure this one never comes back. He is a narcissist of the first order. Malignant to the core. Keep reading and educating yourself. You are not alone my friend! Xx

  17. 2 months post break up with my Narc ex whom I was about to marry. I still cannot shake and obsess over him. We met years ago through friends and somehow through what we always said was fate, would end up at the same places since we ran in similar circles. After a wedding we both coincidentally ended up at he asked my friend to set us up. I declined. Then he contacted me via facebook and I didn’t write back. Jump to 6 years later I happen to like a photo and he emails me and I said what the heck ill give it a shot. I know love bombing is all about mirroring but there were so many coincidences too real to be fake. Many mutual friends, his uncle from Italy owns the barbershop 2 blocks from my apartment. We both even recall the very first night we met when we were 23 years old. From our first date we spoke every day all day, text calls and we saw eachother 5 times a week or more. We were inseparable! His own friends and family would tell me they never seen him like this or even heard of a girl he was dating (hes 37) . Red flag appeared at one month over a minor dispute over something I jokingly said, that turned into a disastrous fight and then he sent me a long email him about his hard past and his abusive mom who he doesn’t talk to nor his brother for different reasons.. Next dispute was over me finding condoms and kindly asked why they were there. He turned it into how could I question him, Im over reacting (when I didn’t yell or accuse him) .
    No matter how delicate I approached something that was bothering me he would shut me out and not talk to me for a day. Then send me an email on everything I did wrong and blame me. For which then I ended up apologizing over things I didn’t do. Once I did that it was back to perfect love, we went strong no issues for 5 months, then DD started and it was bad. Accusing me of drugs, pushing me down during a photo on a ski trip on a mountain, ignoring me when we were out with friends. When I would cry he would yell more and make me cry more. I would shake and I couldn’t breathe, my weight dropped to 94 lbs. When I was one foot out the door, he loved me back talked marriage, destiny etc. Then one fight I caught him in a lie, the silent treatment started and breakup threats. When I cried at his door his made me leave and wouldn’t let me in. Then he would make plans with me and cancel on me. He then post pictures of himself at a nightclub with his friends. I cried for weeks ,when I finally got tired of crying, I went out with my girlfriends one night. He called me 9 times and when I didn’t answer he send me text after text telling me he was sorry, he went on that he loved me, im his soul mate and wanted to marry me, he even texted my mom. I gave him one more chance.. But unfortunately my entire summer consisted of this game, he would hang out one day then he MIA for the rest of week, unanswered calls and texts, broken plans. Then he would accuse me of being shady etc. IT wasn’t until a weekend I went away that he said he wanted me back “For Real” , “I’m the one he wants to be with the rest of his life”. I took him back the next day he says he heading the Vegas I said no, that contradicts what he said the night before. This lead to another night via text. When I got tired on the text war, I went to his house and found another girl there (my clone). I was devastated! He denies anything was happening and when I left I send him a goodbye text, and he coldly said “whatever you need to do get over it”. This was 24 hours after he said I’m the one! I was so depressed I took sleeping pills and had to be rushed to hospital. Then a month after our break up, I get strange text from a random # Some girl claiming to be his new girlfriend and I deserved to get cheated on” along with other nasty things. Turns out the number was an APP that generates fake numbers from your phone..it was him! I cant believe after being so devastated and hurt, someone would do this. So after all these horrible things I sit there and cry over him. Our past our fate and what came to be. I can accept he is a Narc but I cant deny our fate, years of running into each other so many memories that no one could make up. How can I get over this feeling. I can never be with him but I LOVE HIM I love the way he made me feel, the way he laughed our chemistry was fire. All I want to know is if I ever meant anything to him, I cant accept that I meant nothing. How can someone fake that much love? Will I ever be over this?

  18. When the Narc is a family member whom, despite everything, you still love, it is difficult to not hold a glimmer of hope. Detachment is a rough, painful journey. I’ve made progress and achieved some peace, but in my heart I know I’m still vulnerable. The paragraph “What is Stover?” just hit me so hard I started to cry. I need to print it out and carry it with me for weak moments.

  19. I love the term “Stover”. After 11 months of NC with a narc I married twice in a five year period, I received a FedEx package at my office last week. Had I realized it was from him, I wouldn’t have signed for it (yes he requested a signature). I often order things and have them sent to my office, so it never crossed my mind the package was from him. When I opened the FedEx envelope, I immediately recognized his handwriting. My stomach sank and my heart began to race!! Even after all the research on narcissism I’ve done, I truly did not expect to EVER hear from him again!! You see, I left him!! And I blindsided him with divorce papers. I dealt with the divorce only through my attorney, I moved out of our home, and I didn’t leave a forwarding address (hence the package was mailed to my office). This man TRIED to destroy the wonderful person I am, to the point that I didn’t recognize myself anymore. He beat me down in every way imaginable including physically. I think to myself, after all he has done, how can he even think I would care to hear from him!! But he’s a psychopath, (they don’t think like normal people). What did he want, he sent me a pen with my name on it! A gift from Visa black card (from an account we had when married) along with a “KIND” note stating that he received that in the mail and thought I may like to have it. That he wasn’t sure if I had applied for a new card, perhaps, or if this was sent because we shared an account previously. Then he proceeds to tell me that if I had applied for a new card, he wanted me to know he had already contacted card services and he didn’t want me to not get my statements and he was saving me all this potential problems. His second paragraph, was hoping everything is going well in my life, and wishing me a belated birthday celebration. He sent me a pen with my name on it, the note he wrote me was in a separate envelope which he also addressed with my first and last names (weird) as a reminder that we share the same last name and I was HIS wife!! And that he can still find me. I guess my point here is that I am at the “Stover” point, but these monsters will never give up no matter what has transpired between you. Stay strong!! You can do it!!

  20. I stumbled on the FB Forum tonight, and have spent the last couple of hours voraciously reading the posts, blogs, stories, etc. This one really hit home – but in the strangest way. You know how they say “God whispers”? And if you’re not listening, he’ll tap your shoulder? And if you’re still not paying attention, he’ll maybe nudge you. Then maybe shove you. And finally maybe knock you upside the head. LOL! This “Stover” approach, I’ll easily remember. It is the little town my Narcopath and I used to stop in every single time on our trips to the lake (nearly every weekend) for years. It’s the town I ran (drove) to each time I LEFT the lake because of his abusive behavior. I was “going (to) Stover” for a long time before now. And now, that place that I ran to so many times, can be the place that I stay.

  21. …… I’ve had to do this with my “father”.
    In doing…he’s convinced my mother and younger adult siblings to avoid me as well.
    My life? Has been better,happier, rewarding, even without ANY family in it.

  22. This is an excellent article but I do have a question. I was married to my narc for 25 years and have been no contact since we separated and divorced 5 years ago. I still have old childhood photos of him and his parents that are dated over 40 years ago. He did not take them when he left in a hurry. Should I send him these photos since they are rightfully his from an ethical standpoint? My ex does not have any siblings, his mother is deceased and I have not been in contact with his other relatives. I could just send them in an envelope without even a note. What’s your advice?

    1. That’s a good question. And only a gesture a caring thoughtful, ethical and compassionate person would think to do. But the fact of the matter is he has not asked you for them. If he wanted them he would’ve. Personally I would not open up the doors of contact by sending them. It could potentially backfire on you. It’s been 5 years. I think you can dispose of them in good conscience. Xx ~ Bree

  23. Hi there. I just wanted to point out that I don’t think the information on the steps on FB are totally correct. While it certainly doesn’t hurt to get rid of every and all comments made on your page and theirs (family, friends and his), blocking on FB works just as well. Blocking makes it so they have zero access to anything you post, nor do have access to their status updates. You can’t even find them if you do a search on FB for them. I blocked both him and his sister 2 1/2 years ago, and nothing has ever come from them at all (and his sister is a prolific FB user).

    Can you confirm where this information came from, that any old comments present a loophole around blocking? This made me so nervous, because that’s the first thing I did when I moved – blocked both of them.

    1. Old comments aren’t a loophole around blocking but every time you update your profile picture anyone you block would be able to see it on an old comment you made and vice versa. Deleting comments is just an added way of not staying updated.

      1. Well, crap, I see what you’re saying. Well, too late now. There’s no way I can unblock them just to go back and delete all that. So, this is good advice. I’m going to share this with some folks that need to know this.

  24. Thanks for the article. This is a good one and by only being a Stover, the victims can eventually get out of the fatel trap.

    It’s nearly 10 months since I’ve left this douchebag. It was like a war during the first two months, but fortunately I had my family and close friends back me up. I deleted most social media accounts since he was bullying me on those platforms. I’ve applied a strict no contact rule after being advised from a psychotherapist and a great life coach of mine. It’s true that those douchebags are looking for reactions, positive or negative ones, as their supplies. Even if they start begging the victims just like mine did (it was only 4 hours after sending that begging message to return to his evil self again) and everyone’s else has done, it is just a bait. Just remember that the day they did the horrible things to you, he lost his right to negotiate.

    Just like punching a sandbag. Without the victim’s reaction, they are nothing more then punching in the air. They will be frustrated and will esculate his actions, but they will start getting tired and bored, too. They may be back after a period of time, long or short, and it is completely disgusting as the flies. Just treat them like a spam. That’s how our mentality should be even if my heart will be racing fast sometimes. Yes, I still do.

    It’s Christmas; although it is time for reconciliation, there’s no way we can reconciliation with those douchebag… Never. The best to do, if you happen to have a religion, is to pray for them from afar, and do nothing more then that. It’s not our job to cure them or take care of them.

  25. I have a N mother that ive been in no contact for five years and she still trying to harm me..it is pretty sad when you wish your iwn parent were dead so you never have to even consider the idea of ever seeing them again.

  26. I am currently in the middle of divorce proceedings with my NARC husband and my issue is that a judge thought it best that we live in the same home with our 15 year old son until the divorce is final . . . A JUDGE’S WORST DECISION, in my opinion of course. We’ve been married for 30 years (I’m 49, married way too young), and he’s been having an affair with a co-worker for over 3 years. I can’t say I didn’t see all the signs, I DID. Anyhow, I’ve been extremely diligent for the past 5 months in having no contact with him, even in the same home. I am upset with myself that after all these months of doing so well, this past week I let him suck me in to his vortex of ugliness. It is like a drug addict getting their drug filled and feeling a euphoric high from tearing others down. I absolutely love the STOVER concept . . . it will be my new MANTRA . . . thank you for sharing!

  27. Greetings to you, & many, many thanks for sharing these tips as far as entry points, I myself being a emphatic individual always seem to target these wackos, well I’m tired mentally & emotionally, of hurting. So I decided to block his number last night, but I know he’s going to catch on & will probably show up some where or come to my door, last week I opened my front door & told him to go he did, but 1 day later he shows up outside of the parking lot of the store I was exiting out approaching my car with sorries, hugs, kisses, & everything else asking for forgiveness, wouldn’t let me move until he was finished talking, of course I fell for it again but then stood me up on plans made to meet. Well that was then this is now, I’m Stover!!! With that nut I’m closing all of my entry points..

  28. My son was married to a person exactly like this and after being separated over two years (she left him and their daughter) they are about to divorce / do you have any advice for him regarding co- parenting with her? I have never seen anyone as vile and your info has helped me understand many things. Thank you!

    1. Hi, I’m so happy my articles have helped! Preparing to divorce and co-parent with a narcissist is definitely something that would be very wise and helpful for your son to do. Knowing what may lie ahead and techniques he can use to minimize the grief, arguments, ridiculous court appearances and psychological damage to the child that narcissists are to certain to cause will be tremendously helpful. Unfortunately it would take me a book or two to give any worthwhile advice. Luckily, Tina Swithin has written books on this subject based on her personal experience that I recommend. I hope that helps! Best, Bree

  29. Great article Bree, it’s funny I did un do my comments on the narcs fb but only because he counts the likes. I did block him on fb, his flying monkey told him to block me.

    What made your article click with me is I understand no contact and the reasons for it but I never felt satisfied. Literally deleting every photo is the way to go. No need to worry about gifts because I never received a gift not even a card! Yeah I was with a slime.

    Thank you for educating me on going stover🌷

    Best regards,

    Robin

  30. the problem is kids. Then what? Especially when the N uses the kids against you and poisons them and tells you that you will “lose” the kids if you divorce them. I know someone going through this and I think it will keep him bound to the N for the rest of his life.

    1. Unfortunately complete Stover is impossible if two people share children. Narcissists make a lot of threats and I would definitely take them seriously, however there are things people can do proactively to prepare to divorce a narcissist. Each case is individual and consulting with a professional ahead of time is recommended. But it is very sad reality that many people do stay in toxic relationships due to very real threats of taking the children and finances.

  31. Great article. It has taken me 9 years to realise all this, but I have the problem of co-parenting with a narcissist. I have him blocked, totally Stovered from my life but he still finds ways to wriggle in by unashamedly using the kids. Any advice here would be greatly appreciated!

  32. I was married to my N for 26 years. My life was miserable but I kept telling myself it wasn’t that bad. It was! We have been divorced for almost 2 years and the damage he did to me still rings clear. This article really hit home and I think it will help me heal. Unfortunately our daughter (21) is having to deal with him. I will be forwarding this article to her. Thank you and I will keep this article posted in my office. Leslie

  33. I have a 2 year old son with this psycho wife. I can’t walk away from him. No friends or family for support. Literally. I’m at a loss what to do.

  34. Great article. I hoped I was on the right path and now I know I am!! After 12 years of emotional and physical abuse I walked out, again but for the last damn time! The bruises on my face lasted 3 weeks. But when I left I never looked back! I have gone Stover! It feels so empowering to be free,ihave no emotions left for him whatsoever, zilch. I went into hiding, got a new job. I deleted and blocked him, his family and friends on Facebook, I got a new phone number. This week he texted my best friend and my daughter too on the same night. Supposedly wanting them to tell me he loves me, sorry he hurt me etc. And that he was overdosing on 3 beers and some nyquil. Typically in the past it would have brought me running back to him. But no more! I didn’t respond and they told him to grow up move on!

    1. Apparently they threaten suicide and we run back. But now I know they won’t commit suicide. Why would they. They know their other supplies will stroke his ego. Hey if I refuse to he has another one to.

  35. My issue, and not sure you are still monitoring comments on this blog, but worth a shot – I’m one day down from shutting out my emotionally abusive, narcissist boyfriend of six years. He’s realizing that he’s losing control and sending me tons of emails (I blocked him on my phone and he had previously blocked me on facebook) about how sorry he was to have hurt me, and that he wants to be with me forever, and ever, etc. and just tearing at my heartstrings. How do I stay strong when he’s trying to enter back into that “honeymoon period” where I feel like everything would be rosy?

    1. It’s really important to completely block all avenues where he will be able to contact you. Delete your email account and start another one if you have to. Vow to yourself to not read anything he sends. Remember words mean nothing. You have to make decisions based on his actions and his pattern of behavior which I’m guessing is not a pattern you want to return to. Stover is really a frame of mind. It’s a commitment to a toxic free life and requires complete and total disconnection. Good luck. Xx

    2. Hi Emily,

      The best way to stay strong is to remind yourself that everything he is telling you is a lie. To remind yourself that he is not capable of truly loving you in the way you and I define love. You are just his “supply” and he is upset about loosing that fix. When you have the power of that knowledge then there is nothing in his texts or e-mails that can get to you. Also notice how he goes from nice to angry, he says what he thinks you want him to say and gets angry only because that does not work and it is taking him longer this time to get his fix back. The way to deal with the angry texts are to remind yourself that everything he is accusing you of is the exact thing that he is currently getting up to while he is waiting for you to return to him. Another reminder will be that the honeymoon period will not last long and in fact if you look back you will notice how each time it gets shorter and shorter. This is because every time you go back to him you give him more power over you and in his mind he is thinking of ways to make you “pay” for daring to leave him.
      Stay strong Emily, you are worth so much more than what you are going through now.

    3. For me I had to go back 3 or 4 times and get burnt again. What I learned is they never change. No matter how many sorry I got, tears he cried and pleading he did he never changed. As soon as I found out about another one of his lies, manipulations, something he stole or things he’s said about me behind my back his true colors would come out. Nothing is ever his fault. He could murder me and in his eyes it wouldn’t be his fault. Then comes the anger towards me and telling me that all I do is find things to argue with him about and I just can’t be happy without arguing with him. And trust me the things that he has done are malicious and devastating to say the least. They downplay everything and we are supposed to just forget everything happened just bc they say they are sorry. There is never any action in their sorrys. They don’t have to be accountable or have consequences. If you think you are with a narc try bringing up something that he has done to hurt you and give him facts and don’t back down and watch the show. This time around I’m only one day into no contact and I understand exactly where you are. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

      1. Hello Heather!

        What you said here is oh so very true!!!!

        I have gone through the exact same thing and for nine years! I went back to him many times and nothing ever changed. When he wasn’t being his “nice” self to me, he was extremely cold and cruel. The worst part for me, was (as you mentioned) the blame. Being blamed for all of the narcs heinous words and actions against you. They don’t take responsibility for any of their actions and blame their mate for everything that they do.It’s good when you can actually laugh at the ridiculousness of these egomaniacs and their antics! I left for the final time, six weeks ago. It’s because, for about the sixth time in a row, he flew into a narcissistic rage over something very minute, and ordered me out of the house. As in “if you don’t like it, you can just leave………………..and don’t come back EVER again”!!!!! So, I immediately left. Who am I not to follow the narcs orders? However, he immediately regrets it and tries to backpedal. This has happened several times throughout the relationship. I have gone no contact. it has now been six weeks. It’s the first time I have not responded to his pleading texts. Feels great! To leave with you dignity and power in tact is priceless. After nine years, it is over for good. Yes, I still have love for him remembering the good times and our history together. However, his dark side nearly destroyed my sanity. I deserve better. Next time around, I am going to choose a very kind man. I plan to marry again (I am now 52.) I want to marry and live out the rest of my life with a gentle and kind man who truly loves me and cares about my feelings. I wish you the best, Heather. In the beginning, no contact is hard. After awhile it gets easier. Ignoring their texts is THRILLING!!!!!! It gives you a new lease on life, knowing that you do not have to be manipulated anymore. I really wish you the best. I’m sure you are a great woman and you will also find the man of your dreams one day, who will hold your heart gently in his hands and treasure it.

        1. Hello. I am in awe at your braveness, as for 15 years I too went through hell with a narcissist however never got the guts to leave, I did threaten but never did it despite the twisting, discards, infidelity, violence, ruining of every single happy family occasion.I have had a hard time since our split 3 months ago up until 3 weeks ago when something clicked. When I say a hard time, it was the sentimental side and the wasting my life and how he used me and the extent of the abuse (never realised until after we split) But your words about still have love remembering the good times – well I think this is the bit I have been in denial about. In order to heal I have been concentrating on how he didn’t love me and all the bad times in order to make myself strong and hate him in some way. But infact your words are the truth, of course I still have love for him, because I am a loving human. No need to deny it. And hopefully that acception if that feeling within myself will help me heal a little bit more. Thankyou

    4. I noted u stated he d Contact u apologizing he hurt u. My narc ex was the opposite. He was never wrong I was always the bad one I was always the one who loves to create fight. Many tkmes he asked me to keep quiet and take it as is ( his fake love ) and to let us have fun. While I knew behind my back he was visiting his other supplies. So obviously I d fight him ! And he d twist it around ! Oh that was emotional abuse to the highest level ! Thank god I took back control of my life and decided to end it instead of his repeated discard and devalue behavior !

    5. Emily ,what Bree says is possible. I made a commitment to not ever be with a toxic person. But I got there by first starting to love myself and knowing my self worth ! I also got to that point by searching online for help as a narcs victim . U ll get there. Change the frame of mind is exactly what I did. I vouch I am ever so happy and feel like a huge burden is off me ! I don’t have to see myself stressing about his whereabouts ,knowing v well he was lying on and on and on yet yell on top of his lungs to defend his lies. OMG who d want to deal with this. I caused many differnt tupe of illnesses (which I am still struggling with some issues ) but I get by reminding myself how brave I was and still am to
      Have ended it. Finally I showed him I decide my life ,he doesn’t ! He thought I was kidding so he continued to stalk me and thought he could use money and sex as a bait. I didn’t fall for his tricks. I was thinking about saving my sanity !

  36. This article makes perfect sense, me and my ex have broke up and got back together 7 times in almost 2 years. She always blames the entire relationship to me and when she comes home she acts like its on me to fix everything. Each time the relationship got more toxic and she was quicker to act out again, this time she went so far as to threaten physical harm to me. Well long story short I just got done blocking her email where it just deletes her email, blocked her number where I can never see her calls, and block her on facebook. Man it gives your mind so much peace knowing they have no way to reach you and contact you.

  37. This is so spot-on. Thank you. While I’m not in a romantic relationship with an N, there’s one in my volunteer group. It’s been an ongoing problem for years now but no one wants to be “the bad guy” and remove the N from the group, even though we waste a ton of time and emotional energy dealing with this person’s recurrent machinations, politics, and back-stabbing.

  38. Thankyou for your great articles, they have helped me understand what I am dealing with. Unfortunately I cannot go STOVER as we share a child, he has in the past threatened that he will have custody of her if we broke up.

    I broke up with him last week and he surprisingly agreed and moved out very quickly where normally he would be resisting and sucking me back in. He has told his family etc. that it was his choice to leave as “he could not take living with me anymore…!” At the moment he is being surprisingly nice and reasonable and offering way more child support than I suggested.

    I am so worried he will turn things around on me, backed up by his family etc. so that I am the bad guy and somehow take our daughter from me! This is irrational as I know in my logical mind that he cannot do this but it is still a fear from the threats he has previously made and how vindictive I know he can be.

  39. Narcissism isn’t a sickness, it’s a personality disorder. A character defect that is characterized by a lack of empathy and guilt. An exaggerated sense of entitlement and a highly interpersonally, exploitive nature.
    If you have been on the receiving end of a narcissist’s abuse then you would understand how very sadistic and intentional the expression of these traits are.
    If you have ever been very upset, for example, and were crying and your partner or supposed loved one mocked you and took the phone and began to tape record you instead of consoling and showing you compassion, then you would understand why narcissists are viewed as non humans, psychos and soul less. This is just one all to common example of narcissistic abuse.
    This site is written for and geared toward survivors of narcissistic abuse. It wasn’t created with the intention to break narcissists down or even be read by narcissists.

    1. Wow I thank God for u gal, I’ve been in a relationship with a Narc for almost ten years we have 2 kids together and one morning he just up and left us bcoz I was not taking care of him the way he wanted me to. He moved in with a older woman who had her own house, cars and money and blamed me for the break up bcoz this new woman cooked and cleaned After him something that he wanted me to do and I didnt. He came back after a year telling me that he wanted his family back and that he feels bad for abondaning his kids and I took him back and that lasted for a few hours coz I realized he was still living with the new woman, that was earlier this year in April and he came back again last week, this time he’s telling me the new lover who is ten years older that him told him that they have no future together bcoz he will leave her for some1 younger than her so we should take things slow bcoz he has not left her yet he needs time to create some kind of a conflict so that he can be able to dump her and come back to me. So we slept together that night so he did not go home to her we spent the night together and he said this will break them up with her. We both went to work later I contacted him and he did not respond so I realized he must have gone back to her. I feel sorry for his new victim bcoz now I know what I’m dealing with and I also gave him the no contact rule and I understand how he works now and I’m done w8th his game. Thank u so much for encouraging us God bless u.

  40. I dated a narcissist for 11 yrs. I didn’t know at the time what was happening. I was separated he just got divorced went through another relationship . He sucked me in with his emotions. I could write a book. He showed so much attention . Bought me a diamond ring a few weeks later. When I met him I had such a free spirit. I was happy dispite what was going on in my life . I actually I could of worked it out with my husband of 20 yrs . After one month jeleousy set in he would come to my school every day bring me lunch . He didn’t like any of my friends. He didn’t want me to talk to my daughter on the phone when I was with him. He sent the cops to my house one night . I didn’t answer the door . He became abusive in no time. Shoving me keeping me up all night when I tried to sleep. Always thought I was still in love with my husband I still didn’t divorce . He actually came in my house one night checked all the closets and said where is he where is he. He was passive aggressive it only got worse every thing I read in these articles I have experienced . His bad childhood being abandoned . I don’t think he has ever been faithful . He left me when my mom was dying. . Told me I wasn’t nurturing the relationship. I had an operation I felt him backing away when I needed him the most . He never admitted he had another woman . I had to ask him aunt to talk to his mom to tell me and he did. Blew me off like that . I’m so damaged now I can’t even date . He has no issues with that. I feel sorry for the new girl she’s not going to know what hit her .

  41. I changed the Ex’s contact info on my phone to Asshole Co@&sucker Fu@&face Shitstain hateful turdball. His adress is Hell. Then I put my phone on voice notification so whenever he would text or call I got a good laugh. There were a few times that groupd of my people all laughed with me. It was awesome. It’s been over 2 months of no contact and I can feel the lightness of being free grow stronger every day. He is disappearing. Yes!

    1. Going through the exact same thing. The discard took all of 10 minutes to end the 7 year relationship from hell. It gives them a feeling of more power. They know what it does to us. Have no illusion about that. After 5 months of this, the teary emails, the wanting of closure and nothing in return except for a response of “if you want to get laid, I’m in” . I’ve come to the conclusion that getting my life back, being happy and with good friends is the best revenge. You’re not worthless. Not by a long shot. There is no human that has ‘worth’ to them once they’ve used all they can from you. They will continue this pattern for as long as they live.

      1. omg I can so relate….mine said the same thing : we’re over but I still want to F^&K you though…..MOFO’ers…..they are damaged goods. Mine had an abandoned childhood. Was put in an orphanage when he was little in his country and has never developed fully ever since. NOw, why he went into an orphanage I do not know. He would rarely bring up the topic and if I did approach to he would shut me down. THey have put up big walls to protect against any future hurt which is why they hurt their victims. they are predators and just vile malevolent ppl. Wishing you strength on your journey of STOVER and putting this relationship from hell behind all of US. Peace.

    2. Lisa, the fact that he hasn’t tried to contact you is actually a big blessing. Contact is in no way a sign of caring or affection. It has nothing to with you and is not a reflection of your worth. Most will contact at some point- even 10 years later. Some do not. Whether they contact or not has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. Even when they don’t contact, they all keep tabs on their previous victims through cyber stalking etc…. Just ask @narcissist_me on Twitter. XxBree

      1. My ex doesn’t use any social media websites. He told me it was because he was a private person. I know now of course that it was to protect his identity and allow him to dupe me and to carry on living his narcopathic life. I managed to make contact with the lady he lived with for 14 years before I met him and was horrified to hear how he had treated her and the emotional and physical abuse he had subjected her to, the way he ground her down and destroyed her confidence, the affairs he had, sleeping with his other women in their bed, causing her to have a heart attack because of all the stress he caused her. She was able to tell me that at the time I thought I was his one and only, he was seeing at least three other women at the same time … He was able to get away with it because ours was a long distance relationship and I believed everything he told me about not being able to get away due to work commitments (he told me he had two jobs, one of which was as a volunteer fireman, but he’d actually quit that job two months before he met me, but said he was still doing it) but if I could please be patient, things would get better as I was the love of his life and his soulmate and he’d never expected to find me … I went on the pill for this man – he actually thanked me for doing this, and he slept with me knowing he was having sex with other women, whether he used protection or not I don’t know, but it makes me feel so sick that he’d have so little regard for my wellbeing and safety … I guess I became a liability when I started asking awkward questions. However, he kept me dangling on a piece of string for three torturous months where he only allowed me to see him twice, barely kept in touch by texting and told me he he was being treated for skin cancer. I was worried sick but he would not let me help. I sent him a gift but was informed by the company I ordered it from that they could not deliver it as he did not live at the address I’d given them. It was then I found out that he’d moved from that address six months before … He’d given me some story about how I could not stay over with him if I drove down to see him because of problems with his landlord but that he would be moving and when he did, I could stay with him at the new place. Turns out he’d been in the new place for months and not told me. When I confronted him (not face to face, but on the phone) and asked him to explain, he simply said “Goodbye Lisa, I’ll return the key to your house”, and that was that – brutal, swift, without mercy. I could not cope and tried to take my own life. This happened in December 2014 and now, in May 2016 I still feel completely wretched and unable to move on. I contacted him again in April 2015 to ask him to please tell me what on earth I’d done wrong and that if he’d ever felt anything for me he’d give me closure so I could try and recover. His response was “at least you have a chance to recover … I don’t.” In other words, his skin cancer for which he was still receiving treatment was terminal. I was utterly distraught and carried that round in my head and heart until April this year when I spoke to his ex-partner who said at the time he was telling me he was dying, he was actually moving in with his new girlfriend and has the most wonderful tan from all his foreign holidays. She went on to say he still contacts her, asking her to get back together with him and that once, when she told him she was seeing someone else to get him off her back, he turned up at her house within ten minutes, kicking the door in. She says she responds to any contact he sends now just to “keep the peace”. I actually feel jealous … God forgive me for saying it, but I do – why not me? I gave my all to this man, he told me we had a future, that he wanted to marry me, that we were going to have such a wonderful life. I know I should be thanking God for a lucky escape but all I feel is totally heartbroken and in such despair I don’t think I will ever feel at peace again. How do I stop feeling like this? It’s been months and months and I can’t take it much more.

        1. Lisa, if you would like to join a private FB support group I co-admin. Send me a friend request to Bree Bonchay, LCSW with a private message expressing your interest and I will give the details. I think you will find it helpful.

    3. i’m in the same boat as you; that’s because I was always the one to cave first and reach out…BUT NOT THIS TIME……it’s been since sunday since we spoke so going on 5 days. They are emotional vampires……………..if they don’t reach out it’s because they are so embarrassed that we took off their mask and revealed them for what they are: an empty shell. Keep your head HIGH..he is not worth your time and energy…FOCUS ON moving on and letting go. Hope this helped you to realize you are not alone. they preyed on us because we are genuinely nurturing kind individuals. they have a place in HELL waiting for them.

    4. Lisa, it has been the same for me and yes, it does bring a sense of worthlessness initially, but in hindsight, I realize, he knows my strength, I challenged the BS before I walked out his door, in a sane, rational and matter of fact way. I saw a light in his eyes dim when I did…..he knew I was going forever….and I believe he knew with certainty I was no longer a potential supply for him. That isn’t an insult, it is a compliment of the strength we have within. Hugs.

  42. I am the youngest of 4 and i was raised by a narcissist, physically abusive father. He abused everyone in my house but was “stopped” by me when he hit me and I called the cops. He is still abusive but thinks twice before physically assaulting anyone. Unfortunately, I got into a relationship with a narcissist that physically abused me too and assaulted me even in front of his mother and family more than once. I fell pregnant by him and he left me for another woman whom he engaged, impregnated and assaulted like me. He then came back and we continued where we left off and he has since slapped me once and never will again. I have blocked him on social media and I never wanna go back. I pray that I don’t relapse but God is with me as he is with all of you. Take care

  43. Bree do you do any lectures? I’m on the east coast. I’m less than 2 weeks out of an engagement, and 4 year relationship with a narcissist who interestingly is an LCSW so he’s quite masterful at his game using all sorts of DSM diagnosis and jargon to tear me down. I’m in counseling and ordered your book last night but I feel extremely anxious so I’m trying to educate myself and do everything in my power to move forward. It’s been humiliating and heartbreaking. Other than the question about lecture circuit, would you mind commenting on why it is that I’m perseverating on him being with someone else? I found your site last night and can’t thank you enough for helping all of us. Honestly, thank you.

  44. I have been trying to educate myself on Narcissism the past few months, I have always known about the Grandiose type, but was unaware of the quiet, sneaky type. What I am not reading anywhere is this: Did any of you feel there was no deep connection with your Narc? I felt that with mine, but thwarted that notion of as to believing he was blocking his emotions, due to a previous difficult break up. He would say he loved me, but I never felt like he did, anyone have this?
    He also did not like sex?

  45. I agree with no contact and dispelling toxic people, and I like the encouragement to weed out toxic people and that it should get easier with practice.

    I do not agree that you need to clear your house of all stuff that reminds you of them. For example, I am a photographer and I took many portraits of my ex narcissistic gf. I am printing up an album for her, that is my closure. After that I will seal up her film negatives binder.

    Their problem is nsrcissists cannot love themselves. They dissappointed you, broke your heart. They did not murder. The did not rape. Etc. For that I would suggest throw all their stuff out. You had some good times with narcissist and loved them, and they loved you as best they could.

    But yes, it seems they do hurt you worse each time you take them back. They are intent on not letting anyone close to them to hurt them as they were hurt in childhood or past life. Just love them from distance and ket them know you are doing so. Just be nice and let them know that you will always love them, but that you cant hang out with them anymore.

  46. Thank you soo much for the advice.I broke up with my narcissistic boyfriend a month ago.I have decided to use a no contact approach ,blocked his calls and I am also not replying to any of his messages.What makes the break up painful is that my ex is my neighbour and with in two weeks after the break up he has moved on with his new girlfrind.I am not sure if I should move ,I love my house and I also realize that I am not dealing with a normal person.
    I wish it did not pain soo much ,but it does and at the same time I am glad it is over.

  47. Great article. I actually received some very good advice from my attorney. If you can be ok without any social media , that would be the best solution. I changed my phone no, my email address and since I never was on Facebook etc. it was very beneficial. I went totally no contact. None whatsoever. I am 3 years of no contact now. Divorced for 2 years after 20 years of being married to a narcissist. I caught him cheating with a co worker who is also a police officer. He showed no remorse,no empathy, nothing and just abandoned his family. I had it. I hired the best attorney I could find and I put an end to it. Best decision I ever made. I live a happy, peaceful life no. No more tears for me. I am so blessed. Thank God for good divorce attorneys.

  48. My sociopath sister and I were never facebook friends, but she did “friend” my two adult kids. Once we got wise to her sociopathic tactics my daughter unfriended her. One brother of mine is my sister’s minion, and so he let her use his name to open a new facebook page as her spying/catfish account. So “he” (my sister) sent friend requests to me and both my kids, and we all accepted, thinking it was my brother we were “friending”. I was surprised to get a new friend request from “him” since I was already facebook friends with him on his original account. My sister-in-law who is wise to my sociopath sister too, contacted me because she got friend requests from my both sister and “him” at the very same time, and she was also already friends with him on facebook. She strongly suspected “his” new account was actually my sister using my brother’s name. But she felt obligated to accept the friend request as well. So a couple years later I notice NOTHING had been posted on “his” (my sister’s spoof account) in three years. This was a big red flag. Then one day out of the blue my brother unfriended me on his original facebook account – I assume it was as a result of a dispute within our family over an heirloom that was raffled off that my daughter had won. Soon after this I noticed “he” (my sister’s spoof account) was friends with me and both my kids! I knew he didn’t like my kids or me, so there would be no reason for him to “friend” us on facebook. So we realized we were being spoofed and spied upon by my sister and all four of us – me, my 2 kids and my SIL all unfriended “him” at the same time. Haven’t heard a word about it. It’s not like my sociopath sister can ask around why we all unfriended “him”. And my brother obviously doesn’t use that account so doesn’t even know what she has been up to. I detail all of this to illustrate how a determined and marginally tech-savvy sociopath can worm their way into your life without your even knowing it, so beware!! This same sister also blocked my daughter and me on facebook, but turned around and told our mother that I had blocked HER on facebook and email. (She used that as her excuse for not being able to communicate with me). I wasn’t too surprised when my mother told me this and I set her straight that it was my sister that had blocked ME on facebook, and not the other way around. Always twisting the truth to make the scapegoat look bad. It works pretty well for my sister, I must say. Constant battle to defend myself.

  49. Pingback: How To Detach Mind | Khmer Bank
  50. This was so helpful. My question and heartache these days though is less about questioning why I wasn’t good enough and his new gf is but more about questioning why he gets everything/everyone he wants and I’m left feeling empty and rejected. From what I’ve seen he now has a new gf, is connected to her entire family on FB, including his son and her son being ‘friends’ when with me he wouldn’t even answer his phone when his kids were around or meet my family. He even is now connected on FB to his ex-wife and all of her friends who I came after and apparently they all hated him for the way he cheated on and treated her (I was oblivious to it as he told me that he was already divorced when we met despite not being so at all). I understand and want to believe (not wishing harm on her innocent self) that his mask will eventually fall off for her and she will experience a lot of the same lies and manipulation that I went through but I am just so upset that it doesn’t seem to be the case or likely anymore but rather everything is turning out so perfectly for him with the new gf and his relationship with ex wife, kids and her family and friends. Not fair.

    1. He will do to her what he did to you, that’s what narcs do. It helps to remember that narcs are never actually happy- they’re excited when they have new prey, but it doesn’t last. They cannot feel the wonderful emotions that make us human- love, joy, compassion. They are empty inside, perpetually miserable, nothing is ever good enough for them and they always bored, angry and full of fear. Sucks to be them, this is a case where it’s much better to be a nail than be a hammer. We may be hurt, damaged, crushed by these monsters, but we can recover. They can never, ever change.

      1. Very true. They will never get better. There is no therapy, counseling , medications etc to help them. They will never sympathy or compassion or love. That’s why it is easy for them to discard entire families. They just go on to a new supplier of “ego kibbles”. Often this new person is younger or more attractive looking. But at one point they will be old and maybe not so charming and attractive anymore. They are miserable evil beings. Their time will eventually come and it won’t be pretty. That’s for sure. My advice is. Cut off all contact and stay of all social websites.

        1. I was trying to break up with Dracula, being with him was literally killing me, I gave him an ultimatum and made him go to couples counseling, not that I actually thought the problems could be fixed but because I thought the counselor could help us end the relationship in a civil and mature way. Well no narc is gonna have THAT, they gotta have drama and make things as ugly as possible.
          He had started love bombing me again in early December after I told him I needed to have heart surgery, he promised to be by my side, he was all Mt Wonderful again ( I was verrrry suspicious). We had a lovely xmas together, then he called me right after xmas and said he wanted to come over and talk, he thought I was right, we should probably break up. I told him there was no need to come over, we’re done, and hung up on him. I was furious because he had played me once again, but so happy I finally had a way out. He went nuts, texting calling, even showed up at my house, I wouldn’t talk to him or see him.
          After I changed the locks, put his stuff in the hallway & he picked it up, I confronted him and told him I knew he was up to something because he was texting someone all the time. He lied & denied, I just ignored him and he finally confessed that at a dance show I performed in on December 12, he had gotten the phone number of a woman who sat next to him and was texting her and meeting up with her. They showed up holding hands at an event he and I always went to together two weeks after the breakup. I wasn’t there, thank god.
          She’s 20 years younger, but I don’t think better looking, I actually met her at the show and was so unimpressed I don’t even remember what she looks like.
          So the prize she won is a 63 year old narcopath who looks years older, is an absolute nightmare once the charm wears off, is a total cheapskate, severe erectile dysfunction to the point even Viagra doesn’t work, probably because he doesn’t even like touching women much less having sex with them, and is falling apart, needs both knees replaced and other surgeries. He’s so high maintenance the stress of dealing with him actually damaged my heart, I developed atrial fibrillation and had heart surgery after the breakup, thank god I didn’t have him by my side whining and making it all about him.
          I was angry because he intentionally did the most humiliating thing he could come up with to get back at me for wanting out of the relationship and because she knew but once I calmed down I realized that this poor woman unintentionally did me a huge favor. I kinda feel sorry for her, I think he’ll totally destroy her. But since she is a friend of someone in my dance troupe and I was introduced to her as his girlfriend but went ahead and slipped him her phone number, it’s a little hard for me to have much empathy for her.

  51. If you made it to this site, you’re not crazy. Someone is abusing the hell out of you. I say that because the narcissist will never validate your concerns. They rarely admit fault and their apologies are only meant to give you a temporary sense of normalcy before they smash through your boundaries once again. Go STOVER or go insane.

  52. Your website and in particular, this post, saved my life! I’ve been stover for about a month now and can’t thank you enough! Whenever I feel like I miss him and his chaos (trauma bonding) – I just re-read every blog post to switch my thoughts from his brainwashing to reality. Because of bloggers such as yourself, I feel like I have a chance of breaking the curse that has left me in 3 abusive relationships during my adulthood. I will be buying your book when I get paid tomorrow. 🙂

  53. Great article, good to know I’m doing it right. When I broke up with narchole I deleted all photos of him or the two of us from FB, removed all comments we had made on each others pages, then blocked him on FB, youtube & Google+. I blocked his phone number on my iPhone & blocked both of his email addresses. Packed his stuff, put it in the hallway, changed ,my apartment door lock and told him to come and get it when I wouldn’t be home. Sent a note to his enabler friends on FB which was nicer than they deserve saying it was nice knowing them ( mostly it wasn’t) and that I had to let go of their friendship because of the breakup. No one was even slightly surprised, he had started the smear campaign a couple of months before. Then I blocked all of them on FB, phone, email & Instagram.
    I gathered up all the fake love poems he wrote me, cards he made me and put them in a box in my basement. Gave away the gifts he’d given me. Then I went to work on ME, and putting my life that the vampire had so disrupted back together. And I found that even though he tried to destroy me, he totally failed. I came out of this a stronger, better person and finally found real happiness in my life.
    Just a couple weeks ago I realized I’d gotten to busy I’d left some things undone. I took the books he’d given me for xmas, cut out the page with fake love lies he’d written, burned those and then saged the books. After I read them I’ll give them away. I went though my computer, all the photos of him, photos of us together, went to the trash. Ditto the folder full of our emails. And I found a folder full of little movies he used to make of himself and send to me. I watched a couple and though “What on earth was I thinking?” and laughed, then trashed the folder. Then I made a poppet of him, did a banishing spell to protect myself from him and then threw the poppet in the East River.
    Then only loose thread is that I cannot find the box with the cards and love poems. But as I clear junk out of the basement, I’ll find it and will burn them all.

  54. I stumbled upon this article and greatly appreciate it! My narcopath is a co-worker. Any advice for going Stover while still having to work together?!?!?

  55. Bree
    Good directives all around. What helped me the most was to know we aren’t coparenting and with a Narc, it isn’t even possible! We parallel parent, that is when he is even around. I cannot completely ignore emails because he likes to wrap business into emotional attack emails, but I have been dealing with it for 8 years now and have it down to a science. Now I can laugh off all of it…the emotional blackmail, the manipulations, and the attacks. Anyone who is reading this article and comments, just know it gets better and easier!

  56. I enjoyed reading this artical but what if the
    narcassist it your own child? Its easier to detach from a non family and go Stover how do you do this when your the parent? Its not easy at all! Disingageing is the best I can do
    because you still love them!

  57. That is all good…. unfortunately i have 2 kids with him. I do not answer any text messages unless it has to do with the kids and it is only a yes or no answer nothing more. Phone calls go straight to voice mail.
    My marriage is over and I never every want him back….i wish he would get that…… one day at a time.

  58. This article opened my eyes for real coz I use to ask why is God blessing this man instead of me, I’m the one whose been cheated on and dumped and here I was struggling emotionally and physically coz he sucked the life out of me and left me for another woman and moved in with her. I understand now how his mind works and how the universe responds to his high levels of vibrations, u see even the universe is fooled by him bcoz even though he treated me like crap in his mind he did nothing wrong bcoz he is looking out for only hims3lf and if he does not get what he wants from you which is the supply u give him by boosting his ego, by worshiping the ground he walks on, he moves on just like that bcoz he feels he deserve the best and he makes sure he gets it so he puts out this persona that he is the best thing that he could happen to a woman so he deserves the best in return and the universe responds positively with his vibrations. Its crazy isn’t it? You on the other hand are left angry, lost and u feel ashamed and u blame yourself coz u see his life is going so well and u still in this deep dark hole and u just can’t breath and once u start feeling worthless and angry u attract all the bad stuff, another narcissist biyfrnd and things start to go wrong for you bcoz of your low vibrating energy levels and u even plan to take your own life bcoz u really blv that u were the problem in the relationship and to prove all that he is living the good life and u, u still angry and struggling. God is punishing my ex already bcoz he will never b in a stable relationship bcoz he is a weak man, if he can get his supply he has to go look for it done where else and thats bad. So ladies and gents stay strong u will be able to resist them just trust God and he will reveal a way for u to move on and never look back again. Wish u all the best guys.

  59. I’m feeling a little guilty. When my Narc started triangulating me, I recognized that I was in a confusing, anxiety-ridden, failure of a almost eight month relationship with a man I did not know was a Narc at the time, but I knew he was bad news, and I knew what once was a blissful relationship now left me filled with everything negative and no happiness. I waited until I knew he was leaving the country for business, but I knew he would be with friends who would take care of him. I also knew he was returning the following week for surgery and would be tied up for a couple of weeks recovering. I chose two days before he left on his trip to break up and block him on social media and phone and email. Here, this is described as behaviour of a Narc, but I did it to make a clean, quick cut at a time he could not concentrate all his energy on me. I have not heard from him, but when I broke it off, so much negative energy drained out of me.

  60. I am still applying Stover to my life. When I was a stay-at-home mom while I was with him it was difficult. I hated to ask him for money but, he seemed to enjoy being the only provider so, I sucked it up because it made him happy. Everything was going pretty well, I moved in with him, in a town I did not know a soul other than his parents. Since he purchased a foreclosed home, a lot of work was necessary to truly make the house a home. So I spent the first three years of our relationship busying myself with working on the house from paint, wiring and replacing the flooring. Our conversations always revolved his interests, his work or big dreams of winning the lottery. In the beginning he would eat just about anything I cooked towards the end he would choose to eat something else. Then started the hiding of the laptop…locking his phone…..spending more and more time on his phone, lap top and TV…yes all three at the same time. Putting me and my son out in the cold for any kind of emotional connection.

    Things were fine as long as I was a prisoner in the house. It was a night and day change the moment I started working out, going to school, making my own friends and finally landing a job. Once I had these things in place, it wasn’t long before everything ended. He wanted us to still share the same bed while we were no longer a couple. I was stuck in that house with him until i was able to leave, I wanted to wait for my child to finish off his school year. The relationship always kept me so on edge, I never knew what I was going to say or do wrong that would anger him. At first he was happy with the choices I made with the colors in the house, as soon as he called it off he started stating how much he hated this color and that color. He would say that he still loved me and if I knew all the things that were being said about me behind my back and how much he stood up for me, he would truly see how much he still loved me.

    About three months after the split, he sent me a message wanting to take my son out of state with his son to go on vacation. I thought about it hard, he was the first “dad” my child had and we were together for 5 years. I trusted my gut and refused to let my son go. Stating that I was not comfortable with the idea and neither was my family. His response was to belittle me and tell me if I ever made contact with him that he would ruin my reputation and send my parents messages and pictures, which would explain why he called it off. Fast forward about three more months, and we (my son and myself) ran into him at a local fair. This fair mind you , is about 100 miles away from where he lives. He was there with his son and his new girlfriend…or victim. I did not see him until I practically walker all over him. Of course my son was happy to see him, me on the other hand, no so much. I immediately felt fear and anger when I laid eyes on him. I focused on getting in line for the next ride, he asked me if I wanted to talk and I told him I was more interested in getting inline for the next ride. I was very proud of myself for not talking to him, I knew in my heart nothing good would come of it. Later on that night he sent me a text message that was not really an apology…more of it was your fault that I sent it…you made me so angry…etc. Then he went on to say that he wanted to be friends and he wanted to be in my son’s life. Granted he has been the one putting forth the effort in maintaining any communication.

    I have not responded, instead I contacted my cell phone provider and permanently blocked his number and most of his friend’s numbers. He/they will not be able to call or text me and now i am looking into changing my email address, mainly trying to come up with an email address that is still professional in nature.

    I am not sure if I was dealing with a Narcissistic person or just a person who has issues with commitment and once the newness wears off on a person he tosses them aside for something shiny, not caring who gets hurt but, still expecting everyone whom he hurts, to think he is a great guy and should maintain friendship just because he is so great.

  61. Wow! This is exactly what I did. Go Stover !it took many many years to come this far and I finally did where I don’t feel awful or guilty about breaking up with my narc ex. My mind is clear and I am stronger to even reject another guy (after ending with my narc ex )who had similar traits that of a narc. I told him I wasn’t interested ! I am away from toxic relationships and my self esteem is good and have more confidence and feel so much self worth

  62. I did all these things instinctively. Had to change my cell phone number 3 times, email 2 times he finds it every time then rubs it in my face. when you have kids with a narcissist you are never free of their games. even 2 years later after 7 walk outs years of mental battering lies and manipulating I’m still putting up with it. one upping is the favorite game of a narcissist, I got myself a lovely boyfriend and he found out who he was, told me if I didn’t dump this guy he would chase after his ex wife, now he’s engaged to her, poor woman she has no idea what she’s in for. He has taken over my partners role as a father no doubt to poke a stick, told the police he threatens life and text messaged him non stop telling him to piss off back to his home country. If they can’t get to you they go through your kids, family, friends, employers, new partners it just doesn’t stop. Thank you for your article it was very reaffirming.

  63. I’m a 69 and recently split up for the umpteenth time from my 48 year old partner. I met him when he was 40 and my life has been hell ever since. He rarely worked, he’s an alcoholic, has never contributed financially, smokes etc . But the worst thing that he did to me was to make me ashamed of my own behaviour by setting up sexual situations that he would control including 3rd parties. Without my knowledge, he would share intimate details of our sex life with people he’d met on the internet and then arrange for us to met them…… I’m ashamed that even though I didn’t want to be used like this, I went along with it to please him. I’m a survivor of child abuse and codependent. I’m now STOVER and thank you so much for this website.

  64. THANK YOU!! I HAVE A HANDICAPPED, TOTALLY TOXIC NARC SISTER!! WITH TWO LOVELY KIDS. FLIRTING WITH MY HUSBAND !!
    STOVER, STOVER, STOVER, NO EMAILS, NO TELEPHONS ANY MORE, THANK YOU, I AM FREE AGAIN, I LOVE MYSELF, I WILL RECOVER!!! I DO NOT OWE HER EVEN AN EYECONTACT, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

  65. I have been trying to “no contact” my narcissistic of 36 years. I have been learning about their control and I admit he knows how to play me. We have 2 grown children together and the problem is he has cancer. He is playing that card to death but I am struggling with him dying. I can’t be mean to him in his condition. He has a girlfriend but loves playing both of us. I am trying to stay neutral and distance myself from the situation but he cry to me about being scared and I’m the only one he wants to see him through this..advice please

    1. Hello Tami.

      When you say that you have grown children with him, but he has a girlfriend now, i am assuming that the narcissistic man you are referring to is your ex husband. Yet you also say that he is “playing” both you and his current girlfriend. I am not sure if that means you still have some romantic involvement with him or not. At any rate, he is dying from cancer. He probably won’t be around much longer. The two of you have children together, so I’m sure there are some feelings on your part, even if they are no longer romantic feelings. At this point, it sounds like he feels very desperate, because of his declining condition. If he is “playing” both of you for attention and sympathy, it’s because that is all he has anymore. He is on his way out and the two of you women, as well as your grown kids, wlll go on living. It’s sad. If he treated anyone poorly because of his narcissism, i’m sure he is regretting it now. I think all you can do is show compassion and understanding now, because it’s not good to live with regrets.

  66. It’s been four days since I texted him “don’t bother to call or text me.” Thank you all for sharing your experiences and with advice. Please post updates.

    1. I no contact for over 3 years now. 2 years divorced. Let me tell you. The only thing that saved my sanity and my ability to go with my life is the no contact. I will never break it as long as I live. When you remove yourself out of the craziness he creates , away from the addiction to him you will find strength , power and hope you thought you never had. In my case i was devastated to find that my husband of almost 20 years was having many affairs behind my back. Mostly with female soldiers in his army unit ,later with co workers at his sheriffs deputy job. While he was in the army and deployed a lot it was easy for him to hide his affairs. But at one point I became a good investigator and I outsmarted him. That’s when he left the family. At first I was in shock. But now I take it the greatest compliment he ever made me. It was a compliment that I got to strong and powerful and too smart for him. My answer to all of his crap was no contact and a divorce petition. And also I hired an aggressive attorney to look out for my financial future. I was a gladiator and now I look back and see my ex as the biggest fool , idiot. What was he thinking ? They he cheats and lies and the leaves and gets away with it. Please I know I can’t hurt emotionally but I sure can hurt him financially and that’s exactly what I did. I thought at first I was the fool but in reality he is. And after all this time i laugh about it now. Stay strong and your no contact and you will have the victory. Believe me , I have been there. Was it easy ? Absolutely not but it was my only choice to regain my life back.

      1. Kaya51, Perfect reply, I will continue no contact. Are you in a relationship? Please tell me, if it is ok with you, how that is going.

        For 11 years I truly loved this man but he is messed up and makes me pay over and over.

        1. M Doll
          No I am not in a relationship. At this point in my life I learned to love myself again , to accept who I am and not let the past and what happened to me define me as a person. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor. To get here I did not want a new relationship and I am perfectly content being single. Until I find a person who truly cherishes and respects and loves me I am ok this way. After the 20 years I am loving my life again. Not having to worry and doubt my spouses words and actions is a great feeling. You know a man who is capable to inflict so much pain on his wife and child has no place on my heart or in my life. You will be ok. It takes a long time to break the “addiction” but in the end it makes you much stronger. I don’t miss my ex , I don’t love him and I will never care about him or talk to him again. It is like a “book you read and then you put it your bookshelf and never look at it again”. Because it wasn’t a good book , in fact it was a book full of evil and hate. I wish you strength and power and resilience in your recovery. Stay strong in the no contact. It was my only and strongest weapon in my battle. Well besides my attorney. 🙂

        2. I unfriended him on Facebook, today. It was easy to do. This morning, on the mobile Facebook, the “mystery” woman show up on people to friend.

          I am not delusional, jealous, selfish, moron for asking him who this women is that came up to him up looking like she really really knew him, at an event this summer. The man protested too much.

          Recently, my friend said to me “if it smells rotten it is and if it is no good, it is.”

          The end finally happened. All these years, I could not picture life without him.

          Do you date?

  67. Hello i’m so grateful by your article. It did open my eyes. Well, i dated with a narc for a year. And i am so attached with him, until now im missing him and feel like he is the part of myself. i know this is very unhealthy and the fact that he’s a narc sometimes doesnt change the way i feel for him. I feel bad about myself because i still have these feeelings eventhough i broke up a year ago. Sometimes i feel bad about myself because i was so naiive and manipulated by his tactics. I cant forgive him and myself. can you show tips for me to detach emotionally from him? It makes me stressed out. I talked to therapist and she said “its okay and normal, time heals”. But please, its been a year.. or even more. I feel so stupid to think about him all the time. Eventhough i know he’s a narc i still have these feelings. I am so dumb, i hate myself. Thanks for your help

    1. Dear elisabeth,

      Please believe me when I tell you that I exactly know how you feel. I’m also quite sure that i’m not the first to tell you to let go, lock the door and throw the key to your heart away. I’ve been there and back repeatedly, 4 times, 13 years and two kids further.. Everytime you go back they respect you less and know they gained control. There are no answers, they are mentally handicapped, cannot be helped or made to understand how you feel, incapable, unwillingly, psychopaths.. Predators who prey on the weak, the willingly, the hopeful. Please do not fall in that trap, again. Let it go, meditate, stop wasting your energy. You’re beautifull and deserve better, they know that and do not want you to be happy, because they are incapable for having these feelings, they are empty.

      Read and learn about the subject so you’ll never have to fall for one again.

      Love, power and huggs

      Jeroen

      1. Dear Jeroen,

        Thankyou for your encouraging and kind words. Feels like a therapeutic reading for me. It’s such a huge relief to know that you ever dealt with the same type of handicapped person, bcs it is so hard for me to find the right person to talk about it, because most of people don’t know what a narc is and how they’re on the game.

        I entirely agree to what you said. I feel the same way about my ex. They’re so good at manipulating needy people (people who desperately need their affection, touch, presence). I never know if his love to me was genuine. And i’m afraid to figure that out.

        Yes, many has told me to embrace myself, face it, let go. But how did you do that? i feel like i’m not capable of doing that because i’ve tried all the things from mediation, therapeutic things, talking to therapist, find new healthy activities, join social community, and so on. But they all only leave the temporary relaxing effects. When it comes to night, i always feel i do still need him, sometimes i cried a lot. It has been a year and a half.

        Once again, thankyou for being here for me and for your comforting noises. You show me hopes.

        Hugs and love,

        Elisabeth

  68. I also dated a narcisst for 9 months, he just caused a big fight and then discared me. I went no contact and he never ever tried to contact me. It has been 4 years. How come some never try to contact you at all??

  69. My wonderful ex not only was in a new relationship and had found the one two days after we broke up,he’s just taken her on the holiday we were supposed to be going on and plasters pictures of them all over facebook- what a poor excuse for a human being.

    1. Jane
      You should not check his Facebook page or any information about him . Keeping up on social websites is the same as still being in contact with him. My attorney advised me to stay away from social websites. It literally saved my sanity. Why check what he is up to or what photos he posts. When I filed for divorce and went no contact I stopped to see what he is up to. None of my business. You have to completely remove yourself in order to heal and recover. Nothing good will come out to see his new minions. For what ? I personally am very grateful for the new minion in my ex husbands life. She gave me the gift of freedom, peace and a new life. Without her I still would be the one he lies to and betrays. I don not care one bit if she is the new victim. She knew he was married when they started the affair. No do not care how he treats her or whatever. He is HER Problem now. Not mine.

  70. Hi, I have blocked him on my phone on facebook and every e-mail I know he knows about. So only problem is that he is able to reach me through others indirectly (and of course he still has my adress). How can I stop this? Should I tell those people if he contacts them they should not give away any information about me and keep mum about him contacting them?
    I really do not want to know anything about him anymore, I don’t even want to hear his name.

  71. I am in a friendship/ relationship with someone who is coming out of a relationship with a narcissist. We are very compatible and in my mind in love. I am trying to give her time to get beyond this but he continues to call and show up and always puts her in a dark place. He screams at her and belittles her to the point she begins to question herself. The girl I know and fell in love with is not that. I want to continue to be there for her and I do believe that a relationship is possible but I want it to be healthy and whole. Any advice on how to proceed?

  72. I’m currently in a destructable emotional devorce and boy are this article helpfull.. My soon to be ex allready jumped in with a new relationship after 5 months. He blamed me for everything and got furious at times regarding my decisions on whats best for my children. I blocked him on facebook(still needs to delete all the comments and photos)..This is mindblowing of how he can lie..I cannot even look into his face,because of the lies. The only problem for me to do the strove is…we have children and now it seems as he is using them as a pawn. How to get passed that, i still needs further advice on. This is hell and i mean it. Mindgames..he attack.every emotion i have and keep on playing, but enough is enough…I DESPERATELY NEED TO STROVE!!! thx for this article!!

  73. Stover! Love it! It’s been 9 years since I divorced my NARC, what a totally awful two year war it was! Just this month he took me back to court to cut off support, I let him have it, I didn’t even want to see him in court or have any contact with him. Didn’t want to hear his crazy circle talk…so over it. Feel sorry for his new supply, she’s a nice person and so doesn’t deserve to have this happen to her, which it will.

  74. What if they mail you something? I returned an unopned envelope back to him – return to sender. Less than a month later his mom sent me a holiday card. I never opened it. She was a conniving woman and I don’t feel she was ever quite sincere. Always with an ulterior motive and thinking everyone else had one too. Do I return her unopened card to her – return to sender as well?

    1. There’s no right answer. It seems like it would take more effort on your part to return to sender than do nothing. If she continues to send you mail then you might consider putting a stop to it by returning to sender. Hope that helps.

  75. I just wanted to thank you for this amazing and empowering article. I read it some month back and it truly has been a guiding light for me and my journey towards getting over my ex. This is an excellent resource for anyone who has been with or is with a narcissist. It’s funny in that I never thought my ex would reach back out. Yet 2 years after the divorce which ended our 7 year relationship in infidelity, guess whose been trying to contact me? She has been blocked on most every means listed, but she found some creative ways to get in contact. Thankfully the driver mindset was in full effect and nothing was returned to her comments. The first asking after my cats and how she missed them with no mention of me lol. The second was an emotional outpouring of how she realizes what she did and how it hurt me and how she “owns it”. What a nice thought two years later….Sarcasm. it felt amazing to stand strong and not respond. Not out of anger or spite of maliciousness, but out of clarity and the realization that the door was closed for a reason and is staying closed 🙂 Thanks again !!!

  76. I’ve been Stover for 2months. My grandson’s birthday is coming up and he will be there. We were going to split up the time but he said I can come for all of it that he has no interest in me…Can you be Stover but in the same room? It’s at a public skating rink.

    1. Yes, you can be Stover and still attend the same functions since Stover is a frame of mind- The relationship is So Totally OVER! It’s okay to be low or minimal contact if you share children and grandchildren
      The relationship is in the past. What they say, their options, or what they do with their personal life is their business. You no longer let any of it affect you since it has no bearing on your future.

  77. Wow this really helps but it’s so hard to actually do what needs to be done when your heart is in a million pieces. Having one as a spouse and kids involved makes it even more harder. I would love to tell you my story and get a response as there are some things I need answers to and only someone with the experience such as yourself would be able to shed some light. Can I email you?

  78. What really helped me to FINALLY be done, was to realize that I never loved my Narc. The person I fell in love with was the character he played in the beginning of our relationship. I was no more in love with my Narc than I was with Christian Slater as a prepubescent girl after seeing him in the movie “Heathers”. I was in love with the ideal, the fantasy, the perfection. Although he never “said” anything to put me down (quite the opposite actually), his actions caused me to struggle for months trying to make sense of how I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. His “silent treatment” when I suspected many times, and directly asked, if he was back with his ex-wife was the worst blow to my sanity. When he would come back in, I believed all the lies as he was sooooo convincing. At the end, thanks to the ex-wife, I found that he had been living with her for 10 months of our year and a half relationship. I fell for it again when he said he was ready to move out of state with me and no longer wanted to be with his ex-wife. BUT I got smarter, and started to see him for who he really was, I started trusting my gut, and thanks to articles like this, I was able to break free. I could feel like the fool or convince myself that I am less intelligent, but I won’t do that. I AM intelligent, I AM worthy, I AM pretty and I have a lot to offer to the right person should I ever meet him. I have blocked my Narc from every possible form of contact, and he has still tried to hoover me using a FB account with a fake name, but I don’t give in to the temptation to tell him off. I just simply block the new account. My qualities that attracted a narcissist are qualities that I am proud to possess and I will never change them, BUT I am wiser as to who is deserving of them and am completely happy being alone and pursuing my dreams. NEVER turn your back on yourself, ALWAYS trust your gut, NEVER allow yourself to be compartmentalized, and remember….you don’t know who this Narc is AT ALL, you’ve never met the “real” person behind the mask. All you know is the character and he/she is fictitious. Thank you for a great article!

  79. This article was very helpful. My ex an extremely abusive narcissist both physically and mentally he left after he found out I was pregnant in December. I ended up having to up a 2 year restraining order on him a few weeks ago in fear of my life because he wanted the pregnancy terminated and had sliced open my face back in September. As of today he is in Mexico with his new victim posting on Facebook. I love the STOVER concept and he wants nothing to do with our future daughter denying of course that it is his. How can I go STOVER when I will be having his child? Any feed back will be greatly appreciated.

    1. Do yourself and your future child a favor and raise her without him. A loving man will be happy to claim her as his daughter. Both her and you deserve better. Do not subject her or yourself to the abuse… It could mean your life. Stop focusing on him
      And start focusing on you… I left my ex narc after 6 years and it’s only been a month of no contact and I’m feeling amazing. It gets easier I promise!!!

  80. Thank you for outlining Stover. It really helped in my healing process. I had done most of the things, but having it put into words how malignant the relationship was, how he fit the narcissist pattern to a T, was very emotionally freeing. I finally realized I never mattered to him, except as a source to shore up his narcissism. The truth does, indeed, set you free. Peace be with you.

  81. Hi Bree, I have just finished reading your article on how to permanently detach from a narcissist.
    I was dating one for nearly 3 years. I have read so much about narcs, but crying so much this wasn’t registering with my brain. Until now, 7 weeks after he decided to leave me and 4 days later telling me over the phone, he has moved on and that he deserves so much better and that his kids loved me very much and that there hearts will be broken now that they will never see me again. He told me his new love interest/girlfriend saw pictures of me and his kids all over his Facebook, so he deleted everything about me and slapped pictures of her instead showing her off at expensive restaurants, going out for drinks, spoiling her, lovey dovey via facebook messages. I have never been on facebook, but a friend told me. He said he never took me to nice places because we always fought. But I cooked, cleaned and loved and looked after his kids. Anyway I could go on and on with my horrible abbusive 3 year relationship. The point is he found another victim who is confident in business & owns her home, like I was. He only owns a cheap car and rents, but loves label clothes, looking clean and sharp, spending money on dinners and so on, but no money in the bank. And he would tell me he couldn’t have sex everyday, but a ex friend now told me he slept with her while we were broken up for a couple of weeks and the whole 3 hours spoke and bagged me, apparently Im crazy ect ect… I caught him on dating sites so many times, he continued to work all over me and use my love for his kids as a weapon. He turned his whole family against me before leaving me exactly what you have written in previous blogs Bree. His mum always stuck up for me and I know misses me as she can probably see me for who i was. It doesn’t matter, I chose to go Stover from 3 weeks ago, blocked on mobile and Instagram even blocked his new girlfriend.
    I just want to say thank you for writing everything in this article in a point form way and it’s shocking me while I read it, as I’m still scratching my head in allowing myself, a perfectly intelligent, beautiful, bubbly, caring, sensitive soul to fall for such a blood thirsty Devil such as him. It’s all about him showing the world, look at me! I have this great woman on my shoulder and she has money. Look at me everyone. But his mask will need to fall off eventually, unless she’s that sucked in already.
    I am trying and doing my best to find my strength again and move on better than ever for me, he has sucked out my bubbly happy energy, but it will return. It also doesn’t help me, he lives 5 minutes up the bloody road and revs his car past my house when picks up his kids from primary school. I feel trapped inside my own home sometimes. It used to anger me, him putting me down and saying lies about me in a sly cunning manipulative way, but speaking to friends and a phycologist about it, I am very slowly finding my strength again. I’m sick of waking up with him and her on my mind and crying. But I am doing my best to get over it. Remember, he was always sleeping with girls behind my back and walking all over me, apparently I walked over him… so he says. I was his maid, babysitter, mother and cook, and trophy girlfriend, minus the sex, passion, respect and of course no birthday, Christmas, Valentines presents ever. He had his hand out for me to buy him, his kids and his parents presents.
    He is a low nasty vindictive who used manipulation and cruelty against me.
    I hope he is alone and very sad and miserable one day.
    P.s He promised me that we would have a child together and wanted me to borrow against my house or sell my house to build new home for him and his kids. I got sick of his lies, I fell pregnant with a donar sperm while we were on our last 3 week break. I bumped into him on Boxing day 2016 and he was fussing and nervous around me, sucked up and made up for around 8 days, then I told him I’m pregnant. He was pale and shocked and No Congratulations. Then his girlfriend came back from Queensland and I rang him as per normal and he got very nasty, made me cry. And dumped me for someone else that owns a house and is a single mother but more confident than me.
    There you go, the knife was getting twisted in my heart and Left him a message with so many tears and hurt and shock; I said you have no heart or conscience, you a an evil person with poisen running through your veins. You’re toxic. F… you! But nothing bothers him, he got enjoyment and satisfaction out of hurting me, but annoyed that I went ahead to have a child. He said you don’t need me, get on with your life, I’m happy and have moved on. But still chooses to rev his V8 past my house. Go figure…
    Anna

  82. I love this article.. Im going thru a bad breakup almost 3 months no contact. But a friend of mine saw him with the new girl.. I couldn’t stop crying tonight.. I decided to read to try and calm me down.. It worked..
    Thank you

    1. Hi Renee, I’m glad that my article and others helped you through. I have been no contact for 7 weeks now, with my hormones up shit creek and 13 weeks pregnant, the last thing I should be doing is waisting unecessary energy and emotional tears on such garbage. But unfortunately I do. He doesn’t deserve my tears.
      I was asked by my phycologist today, why are you upset? I said because he replaced me behind my back. But my ex narc was always cheating non stop with so many different woman at a time whilst with me. The phycologist asked, don’t look inside yourself, but ask yourself, not why he chose you, but why did you Anna choose to be with him. We were not suited in appearance, character, values, respect, future plans, family backgrounds, nothing. I was just coming out of a physical, relationship while doing IVF andy ex narc accidentally, yes on a dating dite. It was the 1st time for me and he was the 1st person to contact me. I slowly dropped my guard and my values and lowered my standards so I could understand him. I fell in love with his kids and him. But my girlfriend said, I wasn’t in love, just chasing him constantly and thinking he would settle down, but a leopard will never change his spots. The bottom line is, I will grieve my hurt and anger and am starting to accept that she has done me a favor but being with my ex fuck up of a narc. He can whisper bullshit and empty promises in her ear. She is also alot like him, but the Bulls will eventually need to but heads.
      He has an addiction like a drug addict, he needs new victims, to boost his ego and make him feel like his GOD! Indestructable… He will break, but at a later stage, remember he is on honeymoon period for now. These narcs have no morals or souls, they need one (1) independent, intelligent, attractive woman beside them to show everyone, I can do better than the ex, she was phyco! Look at me everyone! But I bet that my ex will have backup still texting him and will eventually stray.. Guaranteed… they have an illness.
      I never wanted him in the end and by me falling pregnant, pissed him off even more.
      7 weeks and I’m doing my darndest to get him out of my mind and concentrate on breathing and enjoying life again. She will eventually get the same misery that I got and his ex fiancé.

      Anna xx

  83. Im healing from 7 years and counting eith my N. I set myself back by being intimate and I feel drained after going no contact no sex for 2 months. Im very lonely.

  84. I have been receiving EMDR therapy from my counselor. I’m telling you it has saved my life. For anyone who is suffering from narc abuse this therapy cuts the healing time in half the time of conventional therapy. 4 months ago I was a wreck, on anti depressants and anxiety meds. Now I can see a future without out him and his abuse. No more meds and truly happy.

  85. I am in the process of leaving my relationship with a narcissit of 8 years – it is very tough. I read up a lot on their abuse technics like cellphone-games, bullying with silent treatments, withholding sex as a power tool,, gaslightning etc. it is interesting to learn that I got the honour of experiencing the whole field…I seriously had to laugh my head off when I read of certain techniques they commonly use because even the vocabulary used was 1:1 the same I got to hear & a good one was finding myself apologizing for catching him in a lie – Jesus; wtf! my university degree definitely did not help me get through that test! Anyway: The mantra “stover”will help me get through the present days or in my language (Swiss German: jetzt isch gnug!) – thank you for more very helpful hints & for being an eyeopener to me; possibly the next chapter in my life can be seen through my blue eyes in a wiser manner.
    I want to move on with a big warm heart & not focus on the negative stuff, but “So totally Over” wow – a strong mantra.
    Danke

  86. Great information, thanks. I’ve already done everything suggested but I am sure there are many people that are victims of abuse that have not and need to do so IMMEDIATELY!!! It’s imperative for your well being, sanity, health and to completely heal. I have been through many other ordeals in my life and suffered many an atrocity but Narcissistic Abuse was the absolute worst thing I have ever gone through. Good luck to all of you, you can do this, I did.

  87. I have 10 year twins with my narc ex husband that thinks he walks on water. The manipulation and control in overwhelming!

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