Why Most Narcissists Devalue And Discard Their Partners

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Why do narcissists seem to pick the worst possible times to discard their partners? Are they really that cold-blooded, that they not only break-up with you, but also plan to do it at a time that would add insult to injury? What would motivate a narcissist to hurt someone they professed to love so much, in such a heartless, and brutal manner?

I have heard many stories of narcissists dumping their partners right before a major holiday, or on their partner’s birthday, or after their partner shared something very personal. I’ve also heard of narcissists ending relationships right before a special planned event, or when their partner was down on their luck, grieving the loss of a loved one, or even diagnosed with a serious illness. The list of heartless, cold, and calculating ways that narcissists end relationships, continues on and on.

It is not your imagination. Indeed, it is true that the narcissist will purposely plan the timing of the breakup, to occur during times when distress or vulnerability is extremely high in your life.

Narcissists thrive from kicking you when you’re down

Adding to your troubles, and blindsiding you, increases the odds that you will become completely unhinged, by the cruelty of their cold-blooded actions, and complete surprise of your expulsion.

Narcissists are fully anticipating you to beg, plead, and promise to change even more than you already have, when they unexpectedly break things off with you. It is their deranged way of further managing you down the road, and fully establishing their superiority, and dominance over you. The more that you abandon all dignity, in a desperate attempt to try to understand how they could simply dispose of you, as though you never meant anything to them, the more special, and more in control they feel.

Your pain creates a transitory jolt of self-worth, that silences the narcissist’s nagging feelings of self-loathing. It gives them a temporary rush. Watching your heart break with agony, is literally intoxicating to them. It’s equivalent to a hit of cocaine. Their behavior, post-discard, may appear almost manic, as they become drunk in their own premeditated ego boost.

Flaunting a new “supply”, or relationship in your face, just days or weeks later, is their coup de grâce. Emotionally healthy people would feel too ashamed, or embarrassed, to publicly jump into another relationship so quickly. The narcissist doesn’t. Not in the least.

Why?

Because the narcissist has most likely been planning your discard, and smearing your reputation behind your back for weeks, if not much longer. The narcissist’s  supporters won’t think twice, hearing that you were replaced so suddenly, because they have heard all about your alleged faults, and misdeeds for quite some time. They more than likely will be happy, that the “poor” narcissist has found someone to rescue them from the likes of you.

What should you do if your narcissist breaks up with you unexpectedly, and smears your character?

Absolutely NOTHING! Their supporters are still under the influence of the narcissist’s stories, just like you were. In fact, you’ve probably seen sides of the narcissist that his or her supporters have never seen, or could never even possibly imagine. Guess what? You still stayed, and hung in there, in the haze of your Kool-Aid spiked cocktail, mixed with shots of your own cognitive dissonance, and unconditional love.

Do not try to defend yourself to your narcissist, or their supporters. This is a waste of precious emotional energy that you will need. Do not try to sway the supporters into siding with you. The narcissist has anticipated the things that you might say and has already countered them, by planting a very credible sounding rendition of the truth, in the minds of their supporters.

“But it’s NOT fair! Why should I let the narcissist get away with trying to destroy my character, and play the victim, while I’m the real victim and the one hurting?”

It’s not fair. But narcissists don’t play fair, or by the rules. They are morally deficient and lack a conscience. For this reason, you can never win a battle against a narcissist. There is no level that they will not stoop to win. Your mind may be able to travel to hateful, and horrible places, but your conscience will never allow you to pack your suitcase, and follow suit.

You never entered the relationship to play games, or “win.” You entered the relationship with an open heart and pure intentions. It may appear that the narcissist has “won”, as they are running off happily into the sunset with their new soulmate, while you are beyond devastated, just hanging on by your fingertips, trying to put the pieces of your life back together, and figure out what just happened.

As the fog slowly dissipates, you, like the thousands of survivors before you, will learn that there’s a name for the abuse you suffered. It’s called narcissistic abuse. You will realize that the narcissist tried to destroy, devalue, and then discard you, not because you were unworthy or flawed, but actually just the opposite. The narcissist devalues, destroys, and discards from a place of insecurity, and inferiority. Like the popular quote says, “All cruelty springs from weakness”. ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Narcissists believe that if they can destroy, and dominate good people, who possess qualities that they lack, then they can adopt those qualities through some disordered process of osmosis.

If you’ve been discarded, it’s a tribute to your strength

You started seeing through the charade of the narcissist. You began challenging the narcissist on their lies, and hypocrisy. You saw their mask slip and caught a glimpse of the evil, phony person that they have been hiding from you. At that point, you were no longer a good source of supply.

Your glimpse of the truth of what had been hiding behind the mask, invalidated the deluded image, the narcissist held of himself. His cover has been blown, and to survive he needed to discard you, so he didn’t have to acknowledge the reality of his real, flawed self. To acknowledge the truth of his real self would shatter him into pieces, from which he probably could never recover.

Unfortunately, understanding the motivation, and the timing behind your dismissal does not lessen the torment of the feelings of pain, heartache, and betrayal. You’ve been lied to, toyed with, and manipulated. Your love has been exploited and used as a weapon against you. Healing from this abuse takes time and tenacity.

When I said that you can never win a battle against a narcissist, I meant that you can never win if you play their game. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you lose. On the contrary, now that the relationship is over, you are no longer their unwitting opponent in their twisted “love” game. You’re sincere, genuine, and you believe that love is not a game where there must always be a winner and a loser. Let the narcissist play the “You’re Always Going To End Up The Loser Game” with someone else.

You may still feel that the narcissist has won, and that’s okay. Be patient with yourself. The more time and distance you have away from the narcissist, the more you’ll realize how mentally, and emotionally trapped you actually were.

You’re FREE now. So, let go of what you know in your mind is not good for you. That way you will be available to receive what you truly want and deserve.

 

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150 thoughts on “Why Most Narcissists Devalue And Discard Their Partners

  1. Every word of this post speaks to me. Especially the cruel way he left, me with no money or food in the house. He deliberately stop paying the utilities and the mortgage so when he left I was threaten with cut off notices. But this time when he thought I would beg him and play his game I refused . With favor from God I am surviving, I am hurt, broken an often not sure of what tomorrow will bring, I am free. there is no one yelling and screaming. threatening to kill me, starving me to punish me for just existing, I’m free and I am HAPPY and I’m learning how to F.L.Y. I could’t even laugh out loud when he was here because he said I sounded so ugly, now I laugh loud and often. I say to you Thank you for your work, I am so glad I found you.

    1. Mine was accomplished, highly educated and successful , but not at all wealthy, and I mistook his position in life would be synonymous with integrity, slowly the walls came down and his erratic fits of rage over nothing in the midst of a happy moment were too often.. never was he a person I could reason with and his inconsistencies in what he told me started to add up.. Every important day, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries he would go into a fit of rage and ruin it, later to apologize and make it up to me
      . I chalked it up to pain he was in , medication he was on , you name it as I was still drinking the kool aid and believed he was a good person. he was not , in the end he not only dumped me when I thought I was pregnant but I was also ill and diagnosed with a disease and he could have cared less. A disease HE CAUSED and still he could care less. He flaunted a new relationship while we both believed I was pregnant and thought nothing of it.. All the promises of love and a future were FAKE and it was a heard reality to swallow. I got taken in by a clever manipulator. NOt sure what he wanted, maybe a steady sexual relationship, not sure but I know the man is not capable of love, does not know the meaning of the word and the harder and deeper he hurt me, the colder he became with NO EMPATHY he became a scarey person and I cut off contact totally four months ago, been broken up for 9 and still I miss him and cry every day even knowing what an animal he is.. I think of the fake times of his love and devotion and it hurts my heart.. I believed I found real love, would marry this man and believed all his BS about him wanting a future with me. it is sad just sad

      1. I wanted to say to you I’m sorry, I know first hand all the pain you’ve experienced and still experiencing. As I slowly realized who I was married to the deeper the mental & emotional abuse got. You will survive, it’s hard.I have nothing he controlled the money and when he left he took every penny. I am just existing I don’t really know where I’ll end up. The one thing I am so grateful for is I’m slowly healing. The terror and fear has stopped. I only miss my husband when I’m trying to maintain the yard. My husband was all about appearances so he kept our lawn immaculate. No one believed that my husband was abusive because he was such the perfect gentlemen.
        If you are on Twitter please let me know I’m @LadyLadyj. I sure would like to keep in touch and know how things are going. I no longer have a computer so I’m using my mobile device. WordPress does not work the same that’s why I stop blogging. I have met a lot of very supportive women on Twitter. Either way please stay in touch if you can..
        I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers,,, please stay safe.❤

        1. My ex husband was all about appearance also. That included the lawn, himself, etc. this is another reason I was discarded. He needed younger , fresher supply next to him. I took the discard as a blessing , him leaving the family saved our life. He set us free. After 20 long years I can finally be myself again. It was a devastating difficult time in my life to be left with nothing. While he went on cruises with his young co worker I had nothing left. But I stayed strong and I took him to court and my lawyer fought for me. Today, 3 years later I am fine , I am happy and I have peace. Just stay strong and take it one day at a time. So blessed and grateful.

        2. Thank you for responding with such hope that I too may find justice. I really needed it today, it’s 97 ° degrees & I can’t even afford to buy a box fan while him and his new young love seem to be having the time of their life. I’m hot a little weary but I’m grateful to be free. Sometimes I feel happy even. Blessed and grateful❤

        3. Glad I could give you some inspiration. Believe me, I was in total shock when I found out about his affair at work. They are both police officers and “hooked” up on their night shifts. She was half of his age. He showed no empathy towards me and demonized me in any way possible. The entire history of our marriage was rewritten by him . He stopped paying the mortgage , his only child’s college tuition and all he cared about was that little w*****. I questioned what she had that I did not have. Through therapy I learned it had nothing to do with me , she was just available. I used to hate her. But now I am grateful she crossed his path. When I filed for divorce I cut off all communication with him. Only through legal counsel. My attorney was better prepared to deal with evil than me. 3 years of no contact. I am very proud of what I accomplished. I used to be weak and fearful. Now I see myself as a gladiator. I still feel victories because I won my life back. And even though he is a police officer he still lost big time in court. Thank God for giid divorce attorneys.
          It takes time to heal but in the end you will feel like coming out of the darkness into the light. It’s a wonderful life for me now. Even after losing many material things I gained so much. My sanity and my peace are priceless. And not having to cry on a daily base. Can’t beat that.

        4. Praise God, I can’t even tell you what sharing your story has done for me. I am no contact with him now for 12months. He moved on with his life like it was nothing. I’m also so ashamed of how bad he treated me and because I stayed. I have and do experience the peace that you speak off. It took me nearly 6 months to stop being so fearful of him coming back. Im no longer a nervous wreck.vMy husband would actually terrorize me daily. He even used the death of my son to inflict pain. I do wonder why nothing I did was ever good enough, what about me made him behave so badly. I guess I will never know. I do plan to keep working on healing and finding justice.
          Tanja51 you have given me what I needed today “hope”.
          Its amazing how you sharing your story helped me feel that I’m not alone and I can get through this..

        5. My ex husband used to come back to the house to terrorize me also. It literally gave me panic attacks. Well my attorney said “change the locks ” and in the divorce the house was sold . I live in a gated community in Florida so it was difficult for him to come back to the house. Once I went no contact he was not able to come back. I wanted to share letter with you. My therapist told me to write a good bye letter to him but never to send it. It was my closure, closure I never got from him. To this day my silence is my closure ,my ending on my terms and conditions. This letter helped me to close up the past and maybe something similar can help you to go on.
          Ex husband ,
          I wanted to thank you for setting me free, for giving my precious life back to me. At the beginning I thought all my dreams and future plans have been destroyed by your selfish actions and behavior. After all these years, just the opposite has happened. Filing for divorce from you gave me strength and hope I thought I never was capable of. All my fear and worries were wiped away the minute I signed that divorce petition . You were an inappropriate spouse and father , and you will never be any different. Your perverted thoughts and actions make me sick to my stomach , still to this day. I regret loving you, I regret being your wife of 20 years , I regret everything we had together . There is only one thing that I am very grateful for and that is our son. You do not deserve a son like him. He is the most loving , respectful , empathetic , compassionate child you could ever have . For you to throw him away like garbage along with me , I will never forgive you and I will never forget . I hope you will find happiness and freedom in your future life. Maybe the admiration of the whores will give you what you never had in our marriage. As long as the devil has a hold on you, you will always be as evil as the day I met you and the following long years. I do not miss you , I no longer love you and I will never communicate with you in my life again. I am not sending this letter to you . This is my closure, my silence is my way of ending things with you. I know you discarded us but in the end it was God , who fought the enemies for me, and gave ME THE VICTORY.”
          This letter has helped me tremendously. You must realize that there will never be an apology or an explanation. I am honored that my words can help someone like you who is in the first stages of this painful journey. I am still single. I am 50 years old but I am cobweb and happy now. Sometimes we go through trials and do not see the “why” until many years later. I am so sorry that your ex used the death of your son against you. But this what they are good at. Inflicting pain on others is their satisfaction . I refuse to feed my ex his “ego kibbles”. He can get anew supplier. Just glad it is not me anymore. Take the discard as a proof of your strength. God bless you.

        6. I want you to know with tears in my eyes, but hope and strength in my soul I’m so grateful to you. I need to write a good bye letter too. Because it will be the only way I’ll be able to say all the things I would like to say to him in person. My husband never allowed me to express any thoughts or feelings without twisting it to benefit his agenda. So writing it all out will at least allow me to do so. My silence is also closure for me, I have no desires to see him or know what he is doing. I just can’t even tell you what corresponding with you has meant to me. I hope too that one day I’ll be strong and confident as you. With a heart full of gratitude I say thanks and God bless you.❤

        7. I am so honored that my words and experience would help you. I went through this nightmare thinking I cannot wake up. I was a zombie , I am not sure how I went to work every day, how I functioned for about 4 months. Once I hired a lawyer I was more in control and I felt more powerful. I finally had an advocate on my side to fight for me , to stand up to my husband. I was intimidated for 20 some years. I did not have the knowledge , or the strength to overcome this drama. My husband , well no ex husband , never heard my words ,he mocked me, he pointed out every flaw , every weakness and fed on it. He thought he was higher than God. He was prideful, he was a liar and a cheater. But that was not enough. He wanted to declare me “mentally ill”, he wanted to destroy me. Even after the discard he loved terrorizing me and seeing me cry and then claiming “look how crazy she is “. I had a little place in my closet, where I often sat and cried. And I prayed to God to take him away. You know I have not cried for many years now and this new life still feels like a fantasy for me. Divorce is always difficult , divorcing a cop takes it to a new level. But I remained strong ,I remained determined and nothing would change my mind. I was done for good. I was done him making a fool out of me , the lies, the craziness and the walking on egg shell. Always trying to be careful not to upset him or angry him. That’s not love , that’s abuse. I am praying for you to conquer this trial in your life. Remember , God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power , love and self control .

        8. Your descriptions of your husband sound so much like mine. My husband was his on God. He mocked me for having faith in God. He would say to me often where is your God why isn’t he helping you. My husband was a complete charmer, everybody loved him. He was so kind to everyone out side of our home. Everyone thought I had it made they never knew the hell I was living in. I kept trying to get it right the parts of me that he disliked. I kept thinking all the things he loved about me he now hated. Yelling and screaming at me for things that I had no control of made me a nervous wreck. I’m just starting to relax and not be so afraid all the time. I wish I could stop looking for the next bad thing to happen. My thoughts are always way ahead of what’s happening at the moment to every negative ending. I love being quiet and not listening for his footsteps or the garage door, slowly I’m remembering who I am and what Joyce likes. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get an attorney. My husband left me with no money, food or a car. I’m so deep in a whole I’m not sure how or when I’ll get out, I just know that I will. I believe in all the promises of God. He has not forsaken me. While I’m in this transition of becoming who God created me to be I maintain a grateful heart and spirit. During the very last months of my marriage my husband would not allow me to go any place or to eat. He would eat every day in front of me and bless who food with a smirk on his face. I eat every day now bless my food with a smirk on face because I am free❤😘

      2. Elly, im going through Exactly this right now, an having panic attacks, can’t eat or sleep and have thought about ending my life because I hurt so much and just don’t know what to do with pain. I too was promised forever, marriage, love but must of all the promise over and over again that no matter what he’d never hurt me. How are you now and how do I get through this?!?

        1. The only way over it is to go though it, to not stop trying, even if it’s a month between “tries”- it’s hell no matter how you try to cut it. The memories, the loss of faith, of desire, the loss of your self-worth. If you saw me, you’d say “what a hot guy!” But I have a soul that inwardly aches for being treated in the end (and many, many times along) like a nothing. Your pride, your dignity is gone? Mine too. I used to love ME. Now I love someone who didn’t exist- someone who tolerated me, kept me for sex, kept me for a place to live from (and work on her Ashley Madison page, I mean, so she could fuck as many guys and girls as she liked). I spent all those days and nights of her absence alone, crying until I could cry no more. Even if she was “around,” I was lonely as hell. There’s nothing worse. How do you get through it? Well, notice how quiet and peaceful your life is since the big bad monster is gone. Take a look at that! The thing I was with called me her “sin-eater.” Disgusting. I’m not a doormat for cheap fuck and lies, are you? No! That you deserve better goes without saying. Me too. I’m single and alone now, but nothing could make me truly want her chaos and insanity back. Do I miss how clever she was, how beautiful, how funny, how familiar she was? Yeah, I do, everyday. But I also realize how much i missed ME.

        2. You stated it so correctly. ME is what I missed mostly in my over 20 year marriage. Every day , every minute my thoughts were consumed by playing detective , by doubting my self worth, by questioning my looks, by trying to please him, by walking on eggshells not to upset him. In the end I was discarded for a young co worker. But it was the first day of my new life, my freedom, my peace and my happiness. Yes, I missed my marriage at first. I missed what the life we built together. In the end it was not a marriage, it was an illusion , it was a dream of every day wishing to make him better. To make him being faithful , to make him love me. But when this little minion crossed his path , I did not realize that she gave me my freedom and that priceless. If a person who promised to protect you for ever , intentionally inflicts the worst pain onto you , that person does not deserve a place in your heart . Period . For ever blessed and grateful .

        3. NEVER do harm to yourself over such an unimportant piece of trash. You are the superior one, do not let him continue to win. Show him you can be happy and at peace and better without him. i still cry daily but though I miss the fake person, I remind myself the love I felt was forsomeone that did not exist, a fake and the real person is not loveable. That gets me out of the down feelings. It takes alot of time but you will come to a peaceful place… blessings to you

      3. I totally feel your pain for still crying your eyes out over how much you loved them & how much you Thought they loved you. The woman I knew was frightening and frighteningly destructive one minute, but then an angel and my soul mate the next. Right before she quit speaking to me for good (I truly hope), she baited me with wanting to get married- this, after a month of not speaking to me once- then a month later she was having group sex with multiple groups (as I discovered discovered), had no time for poor me, treated me like a $5 whore (and told me so), was nothing but pure manipulation and lies, and then one day flew into one of her furious, devil-possessed rages (on the phone, no less) because I called her out on her bizarre, manipulative, soulless way of acting toward me lately (we’d spent nearly 10 years together by then). And when she hung up the phone on me (quite predictably), that was the last time I ever heard her voice- screaming like an insane banshee. Her “normal” voice had the most perfect timbre I’ve ever heard. The last time we “talked” was one week before our 10 year “anniversary.” I was working 40+ a week, she had no job (and never will). She was supposed to come vist me, as we no longer living together. She didn’t have time in between group sex dates, getting 10,000 followers on instagram for her selfies, and whatever else she could think of doing. She wasn’t feeling “pretty” enough that day, was one excuse. She is Gorgeous when she wakes up, mind you. In the end it was her rage, her hate, her boredom with me, the guy who finally wasn’t playing along anymore that sent me on this lonely journey into the desert of light-soaked & horrific memories and confusion. I miss that person I knew, who I thought I knew. That person I was singularly devoted to like none other. I miss and grieve too, like you, for that person who cared nothing for me, for my well being, or for what happened to me, or what happens. God’s speed to you sister.

      4. The one I met was also highly educated and well-respected but not rich at all. I wonder if something about his personality disorder prevented him from getting/keeping lucrative positions…..very interesting.

      1. I was love bombed from the start and fell quickly..My partner left me via text after having one of his friends spending nearly an hour telling me what a horrible person I was…I was self sentred and selfish and everything was about me.. .amongst many other hurtful and cruel things…which I was so shocked about.. that I was prepared to apologise for and do anything to fix…sad thing was…I was dealing with my post surgical cancer. My Mum had died 7 months earlier of cancer and I was struggling with so much grief..and supporting everyone as best I could… and he was not getting what he needed…should have known….earlier he had gone on a road trip with one of his friends ..the minute I was dealing with my Mums and my diagnosis…while we were overwhelmed… he was having a “fn” great time…. his words……cruelty beyond words…

    2. im currently in a relationship with a narcissistic personality , i love him , and i belief behind that tough facade he loves me too,though he shouts at me and calls me selfish , coward, narrowminded, betrayer, all the bad in the world , when he is angry , but im hoping we could change that, he is like a kid at times , i cant leave him alone, but i really want him to acknowledge me as an equal, treat me with respect, he says he has a weakness of a bad temper, and he blames me for all the fights , nights wasted, even though i remain calm . his tears affect me , but mine dont affect him all the time.wat shall i do?

      1. You are likely addicted to the way the relationship made you feel for six months or year. It was probably everything that you ever thought love would be and he was probably the best friend you ever had. Yes. Now gather all you can, and run for your life. I’m sorry. There is no other way.

        1. I can relate to that situation and its so difficult to understand why they switch off from sweet to mean and back it’s exhausting being the victim here. I love him but he cant even apologize for anything ever. I refuse to be a dumping ground for this toxic man

        2. I didn’t even know that this was even out there to be careful about. I never even HEARD of these disorders outside of Hollywood. She was my best friend and I loved her and didn’t think I had any reason to doubt her. In 50 years everybody I’ve ever met, good or bad, combined together haven’t done as much damage or hurt to me as this one person. She’s a real life psychopath and everybody else thinks she’s a sweet little library lady. She is a monster.

          I’m sorry for your troubles and I hope you can do the right thing for yourself. whatever you decide, do it only for you.

          Joy to you. Thanks

      2. Sadly he can’t love you, he owns you whilst you stick around. Narcissists view people as objects, they are extremely delusional & some go into psychotic rages.

        You are spending time around a narcissist, you are walking on egg shells, avoiding the next tantrum, that is not healthy.
        They have only two dopamine arousals, lust & fear, you fear gives them a chemical rush which is why they’ll never stop & abuse escalates gradually over time.

        This personality disorder is considered the most dangerous mental illness of them all, Ted Bundy was much loved by the women he knew none could believe his duality.

        1. And I think it worth adding that as I read her words it sounds as if she is well into the conditioned, or mindfucked state of existence without resistance that has been manipulated and orchestrated upon her and gradually replaced her good instincts with that example of the mind mush that she just wrote. Honey, he will devour you little by little. That way you will only have to give up a little bit of yourself at a time, and every small resistance….
          In my experience narcissist/psychopath are like the BORG. There’s no reversing them. There’s no appealing to them. And there is no way for one person to quench the thirst they have for supply.

          Gather all you can. Go find someone else who deserves your love. He’s a reptile. I’m sorry.

  2. With a few slight changes to the article,based off my situation, it’s spot on. I was replaced in a week. All those feelings of failure. Wow. Thanks Bree. Great article!!

    1. You weren’t replaced in a week. You were replaced a long time ago. You just got dumped when you started catching on to the crap and one of the “side squeezes” got moved into your old spot. I’ve watched my ex doing that to the guy she dumped me for. She’s already working a couple of other guys she can roll to when the boredom gets intolerable.
      Almost two decades ago, when we first started dating, she once told me she just couldn’t see herself getting married and staying with the same guy the rest of her life. Although today she completely denies ever having said that, it was nevertheless the most honest thing she ever said to me about herself. Naïve as I was, I thought I could be the one to win her heart.
      I now see she had no heart to win. Totally polyamorous, the philanderous behavior I see her exhibiting went on as long as we were together and with others before me and now with the others after me. Since 2014 she has wrecked two marriages aside from our own. 57 years old this year, she cougars young guys, coddles old ones, saps their time and money just like she did mine yet still doesn’t let go of me, giggling to her friends about how she uses me because of our son.
      She doesn’t know her friends are horrified at her and, terrified she will be able to weasel her way back into my life for a second, more completely destructive campaign, they tell me everything.
      They are really my friends. I never asked them to spy on her. They just tell me so I don’t take her back when she starts playing her games with me and I think she’s starting again…

  3. Wonderful. Thank you so much. Love is not a game. I am glad my heart was open for so long. I’m alive. Hurt beyond what I could have imagined three months ago. But so much better off than he will ever be.

  4. This was so well written and so very powerful. Thank you! The ex left right before our son had brain surgery. It was a mind boggling time to cause more turmoil for two kids and this devoted mom and wife. I know this speaks volumes about the kind of human being he is. I’m thankful everyday that all we share now are kids and nothing else.

  5. Reblogged this on RubyJen and commented:
    This is 100% accurate and to the point of what I am currently experiencing. After reading this, GLAD to be getting away. Long road ahead, but it WILL be worth it. I pity the next person. Dear God, protect his victims from him.

    1. “Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right Hand….” Isiah 42:10
      You can do it…..stay strong!

  6. Boy can I relate to this, in my case it was a few days after my 40th birthday, she moved into another house she rented behind my back , and within a week, she had a bloke staying over each night, the last one she is still with, we have been separated for 3yrs, what I don’t understand is she still lies to me about currently seeing him, and when we meet (contact with my son, which has only just started again), she flirts with me like mad, even inviting me over for drinks next time? Then bang no contact no nothing, no son.

  7. Wow, I could have written this -it’s totally what happened to me – first discard was by text on my birthday, second time was 10 days before a Caribbean holiday (which I still went on) – both times I had challenged his behaviour about a week before. I finally dumped him 3 months ago and though I’m still angry about how he has treated me I’ve been no contact for almost three months and proud of myself for that!!

  8. Everything you said is true except.. He didn’t flaunt the new woman..He would not want people to think he was a cheater..He might of told a couple cheater friends..

  9. The second time I was dumped I’d told him about the child abuse I suffered. He broke up with me 2 hours later. The last discard happened when an immediate family member was on life support.

      1. Thanks! But it’s the sadness that I feel which makes it beautiful! I am still in the process of trying to come to terms with the revelation and it’s painful . It’s like past and future crumbling together in the present!

  10. I am sooo glad I found your blog!! I have been in this type of relationship for 14 years on and off!! It has taken a toll on every aspect of my life! After another episode of his last night, I decided then that I can not and will not continue living as I have over the past 14 years. I look forward to reading your future blogs! This is my first step to getting my life back, and the person I used to be!! 🙂

    1. Hi, I’m am veer truly sorry about your situation. But I can’t post anything with links to go fund me pages. I get a ton of request to do so. I hope you understand that I have to protect the integrity of my blog and facebook page. My mission is to spread awareness and healing. If I were to start posting everyone’s go fund me request, then my mission and message would be lost. I hope you understand.

      1. I do. I posted another comment about my court date requesting prayer for the hearing and about the GoFundMe comment: if you would edit that comment to exclude that part, that’s fine by me.

        1. By the way, you really have no idea just how much your site has helped me. I only wish I could have you next to me in the courtroom Friday. He has the same credentials you do (LCSW) but wears his on his sleeve, using it to manipulate. (Mine is a BSW.) Completely violates the SW Code of Ethics he is supposed to stand for.

  11. With my “sweet” narciwoman I’ve experienced both futile reasons (even if the patterns are connected, as you describe well), amidst silence treatments. The first time when she sensed that I was eventually emotionally attached (not at the beginning, despite her love bombing, I liked her a lot but I sensed that something was very wrong in the emotional communication), just before holiday, she transformed into mr Hide and had to immediately cut the relation with anger and following silences, I accepted since I did not want to behave as needy (!). Then she returned. But this time she played the victim, poor troubled girl (even referring to some mental issue she is working in therapy) so I had to behave as much loving as I could but accept that she was distant, this time. I had expressed to her all the incoherence of her love bombing and transformation so I guess she wanted to play differently. I was emotionally distant but at the same time supportive and loving. After I while (she was the one who called me every day, I remained a bit cold at least in the intensity, I sensed something was wrong but the hope for the returning of her initial love was already irrationally working inside of me, even if I though I had control) she started again with the same games, if she was out with a guy, “just a friend” who came out from nowhere, she would literally disappear, I had to wait after the day after before calling here if she was with someone or she got irritated. Of course I expressed to her how ridicule all this was. I called for her responsibility. This was the “just cause” of immediate silence treatment and disappearing into the sky. I called her only two times in a month (no answer of course), I felt this was wrong but wanted to let her the space to reflect and choose, then wrote an email to ask at least whether she was still alive. She said she was with another guy and they would move together in short time, such as you tell a stranger that you just changed the phone brand. How could I take all this for normal is still beyond my understanding, I just know that after some months of complete inner devastation I had not seen coming, I reacted. Went on a mountain region for work (luckily it was already planned by someone else, I had not the strength to do anything at that time) and every day walking top into the woods for many hours, my mind was still full of anxiety, many nights I woke up with terrible thoughts despite the place, but at the end all the beauty of the nature started to fill my soul. At return I started a sport I loved since I was young, that I had let go. Things started to go better, people around seemed changed (but I was the one who had changed), since I was less obsessed by this experience I could enjoy the company, she did not occupy every inch of my mind anymore. I don’t know how it happened but slowly the “life returns” inside of you. I still think about it, sometimes, just because I don’t want to lower my guard, but I don’t feel as “not worthy of her love” anymore.
    Just love yourself and take great care of your body, mind and healthy relationships. They seemed only words at time, now I see how precious and meaningful they where.
    Now I see the pattern such as a silly plot, and your article describes it in such a clear way, but only now that all the pieces went back inside of me. Only now I understand how strong I was by not playing her game, by giving space but at the same time calling for responsibility. This is smoke in the eyes for such people. Discard comes after whatever futile reason they can find, if you do this. Never regret! (Sorry for my English I’m not native speaking).

  12. Sorry, if this is long. I am still struggling badly with this. I would really appreciate if anyone has any insight/opinion on what I was dealing with. I have thought of Psychopathy and Narcissism but I don’t know.

    I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage.

    Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn’t serious and that perhaps he was making up he had a gf in order for me not to get too attached to him. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his “gf” last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day. At the start, I didn’t give it much importance, as I didn’t really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks’ time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start.

    He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

    I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.

    When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I could undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we could talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.

    Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was *f a girl in another country.

    And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.

    Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. I said to him to call me sometime and he said “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says “because I didn’t want to”. And then he said “appreciate it, that I call you”.

    Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don’t know what to think anymore.

    I always saw he is manipulative, etc but the “beating me” part, that really scared me. I saw another side of him I never thought I would.

    While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that that felt a bit like being forced somehow. Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! he brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.

    Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cutt off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off”. I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.

    Then, 7 weeks ago we were sending some messages on whatsapp and he basically told me that he won’t meet me again, that it was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I was so hurt at the cold way he was talking to me plus he had said something I didn’t understand and he told me I was illiterate, stupid and dead slow on the uptake. He also told me I am useless. At that moment I went and I told him that he might not meet again because I interfere with his whores but that I won’t meet him again because I don’t meet beaters. Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore but I have the feeling I am blocked for good.

    I must add one thing that came into my mind now. At the start of our talks at the very beginning he once told me I was going to get addicted to him and at another point he told I was addicted to him but that I just didn’t know it yet.

  13. Sorry, if this is long. I am still struggling badly with this. I would really appreciate if anyone has any insight/opinion on what I was dealing with. I have thought of Psychopathy and Narcissism but I don’t know.

    I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage.

    Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn’t serious and that perhaps he was making up he had a gf in order for me not to get too attached to him. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his “gf” last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day. At the start, I didn’t give it much importance, as I didn’t really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks’ time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start.

    He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

    I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.

    When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I could undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we could talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.

    Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was *f a girl in another country.

    And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.

    Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. I said to him to call me sometime and he said “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says “because I didn’t want to”. And then he said “appreciate it, that I call you”.
    Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don’t know what to think anymore.

    I always saw he is manipulative, etc but the “beating me” part, that really scared me. I saw another side of him I never thought I would.
    While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that that felt a bit like being forced somehow. Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! he brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.

    Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cutt off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off”. I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.

    Then, 7 weeks ago we were sending some messages on whatsapp and he basically told me that he won’t meet me again, that it was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I was so hurt at the cold way he was talking to me plus he had said something I didn’t understand and he told me I was illiterate, stupid and dead slow on the uptake. He also told me I am useless. At that moment I went and I told him that he might not meet again because I interfere with his whores but that I won’t meet him again because I don’t meet beaters. Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore but I have the feeling I am blocked for good.

    I must add one thing that came into my mind now. At the start of our talks at the very beginning he once told me I was going to get addicted to him and at another point he told I was addicted to him but that I just didn’t know it yet.

  14. I would like to share my rather unusual story concerning narcissistic friends. I have spent the past seven consecutive years dealing with two narc “best friends”. Curiously, I met them both online. They lived in different countries, so our friendships were of virtual nature, apart from the occasional video calls and the fact I had managed to met the first narc face to face. I say “curiously”, because it goes to show how strong the narcs’ influence can be – even through a phone or computer screen.

    When I met the first narc, I was only 13, so I was only a child with only a little personality and a lot of empathy and sensitivity. I had been terribly bullied throughout school, and so at I was very emotionally weak and exposed to that first narc who entered my life. In a matter of weeks we were pretty much in the position to call each other best friends. Naturally, I confided in her about the pain I had endured in my childhood. There’s something very creepy and significant about a narc which I realised now, all these years later – when you share your likes, dislikes, vulnerabilities and happiness, they listen to you differently than a normal person. They listen silently, without interfering anything personal, only asking more questions about you while looking at you as if they are registering and memorising your every single word (which they are), to make you think they genuinely care about you more than anyone has before. They don’t really care, at least not about you. They care about what makes you tick and they listen like an animal, or like a predator to their prey, so to speak. I, of course, fell right into the narc’s trap. This girl had had a very traumatic childhood, and she had been living with her mother who was suffering from either NPD, or BPD, or both. I frequently witnessed their (sometimes physical) arguments on video calls, and as the girl cried and raged afterwards, I was her band aid and main source of narcissistic supply. Being highly empathetic, I spent my days trying to make her happy and ultimately to fix her. But then after a year or so – when she was sure that I wouldn’t leave – her rage started to turn on me. She accused me of being a slut whenever I went out with my real-life friends, she interfered with the few romantic relationships I’d had (she messaged one of them on Facebook, name-calling him awfully and telling him to leave me alone, which he did because he obviously didn’t want anything to do with me, “this chick and her psycho friend”), she threatened if I’m not online 24/7 for her she would kill herself, she self-harmed before my eyes “out of jealousy” and guilted me into never going out with anyone again (effectively isolating me from the rest of the world, even though the rest of the world was telling me she’s not good for me and that I should break contact; I didn’t listen), and she picked very random, very cold and cruel fights as she saw fit. I remember one vividly, on her birthday – I had promised to send her a file before midnight, but because I had spent that full day working, I haven’t had access to a computer until very late at night. I rushed home exhausted especially for her purpose and ended up sending her the file a minute past midnight. She flew off the handle, saying I’m a liar, I don’t keep promises, she doesn’t trust me, I don’t care for her, I’m selfish and she wouldn’t accept anything from a bitch like me. I was left stunned for days, during which she reversed to being an absolute delight, saying I’m her soulmate and that she can’t live without me.

    I didn’t tell of this abuse to anyone because I was convinced that nobody would believe the things she had put me through. It wasn’t until a good friend of mine made me tell her everything that I made the decision to break contact with the narc. I ended the “friendship” the following day, on New Year’s Eve. It lasted four years. I was left completely empty and drained, because I was not only the girl’s narcissistic supply, but also the person who had been fulfilling the duties of her mother. In other words, with my caring nature I was more like a mother to her than her own mother was. She didn’t protest too much, although I was devastated, and I figure now it was because she had already found another narcissistic supply behind my back and I was useless to her anyway.

    A few days later in January, I met the second narc, also online. She was very popular on social media and was in the middle of a harsh breakup with a boyfriend, and because she seemed nice when we started chatting, naturally I rushed to try to comfort and rescue her. The love bombing began – she made regular public displays of care for me, saying I was her soulmate, she had never been happier, she was thankful for me, I was her guardian angel, etc. She had even tattooed my initials onto her wrist. This honeymoon period lasted for about a year, like with the previous narc. Afterwards, her facade started slipping – she started to act very jealous and possessive, she twisted facts and things I’d said to pick an argument, she pulled friends and family and strangers into her sob victim story if I stood up for myself, she manipulated me into apologising for things that were not my fault, made me question and then abandon my needs and wants (at one point even making me visit a psychiatrist in fear I was bipolar or insane), she always talked about herself and barely showed any compassion if I tried to confide in her with a problem (her cat had recently been in an accident at the same time when I had been at the hospital, and while she spent the whole days giving me updates about her cat, she asked only once how I was feeling). If I went out with friends, she turned ice cold, despite the fact I still felt bullied into keeping contact with her while I was with my other friends. I cannot say now how much I love my friends for understanding me (I warned them about this narc’s usual behaviour of angrily messaging people I know that she was jealous of) and not leaving me behind for constantly being on my phone while in their company.

    In the end, I began to stop telling her things, which resulted in her claiming that I’m hiding things from her, and that it hurt her because she shared everything with me (she didn’t), so I had to apologise and go against my gut to share personal information with her – and she fought nails and blood to become involved into every single part of my life. I let her, for the longest time. Why? Because it wrongly made me feel cared for, and I didn’t even want to consider that things were going wrong and that I had encountered yet another narc. Soon we were texting 24/7, and she had played such mental tricks on me that I actually felt guilty if I didn’t always have my phone in my hand and if I didn’t reply to her within a few minutes. She wanted to know everything, what I was doing, where I was, who I was with, every second of the day, but if I asked what her plans were, she would accuse me of being jealous and not trusting her, also saying that no person was ever going to control her.

    Almost two years later, everything stopped. At the time I had been extremely stressed due to academic and work reasons, which meant I became a weaker narcissistic supply, and as I was confiding in her with my problems, I began to fall into depression as she began to stop replying to me and ultimately broke contact, while posting on social media how happy she was with her new best friend – who happened to be a girl who she had always said to me that she hated. I was devastated, of course. My world felt like it was ending and my best friend, who I thought was my “rock”, dropped me like a hat and walked all over me afterwards. A few months later, she came back, tearful and claiming to hate herself because she had lost her best friend, her soulmate who she loved so deeply. I took her back, taking her bait, writing it off just as a human mistake. Except that a few weeks later, she did it again, even more heartlessly than the first time. She posted things about me on social media which were disgustingly hurtful and not true, and I broke all contact with her, and she went back to being best friends with the girl she claimed to have hated. Can you guess what happened in a month’s time? Of course you can – she came back, and somehow roped me back in, but because I was able to see more clearly, I warned her that if she did it again, I wouldn’t be there anymore. I asked her for honesty, and the love bombing began again, though this time my trust was hurt too deeply (she had told me that she had been badmouthing me to her entire family and all her friends, saying that the reason she left me was because I was “too needy and sensitive” and she felt “trapped”).

    I held her at arm’s length. In the following six months, I worked on trying to trust her again, but this time the pain of betrayal was too deep for me to open up to her (along with constant, more intense daily manipulation and silent treatments and rage attacks) and in the end, two days ago now, I apologised that it just wasn’t going to work between us and broke contact with her for good, blocking her on all platforms. Naturally, the smear campaigns on social media began – I’m a monster, Satan himself, a heartless and selfish bitch who was never her real friend throughout the three years we spoke. She even claims that everything is my fault and dared to say that “it’s sad that soon you’ll come running back to me because you’ll never meet another person like me.” I bloody hope so! That actually made me laugh.

    I grieved the first narc, but in this situation (after I had come across NPD articles and realised I’m not the crazy one, as I was made to believe), now I don’t even feel sad. It was just an incredible weight off my shoulders when I found these articles, a sigh of relief that there was actually a name to be put to the kind of person she is. All I feel is disgust at how shameless, incapable of empathy and unable to accept blame or responsibility she treated me and other people. I felt the need to walk away after I began reading those articles about NPD and realising that I could notice some of those traits in myself. That’s when I ran like hell, because I was not going to let myself become like the two “best friends” I had just escaped from.

    I regret that I let myself stay this long in such a circle of abuse and wasted my childhood and teenage years being choked with daily pain, but I do not regret that they happened to me. They have taught me many incredible lessons about setting boundaries, staying true to myself and mostly how to spot and avoid another narc, and they have largely added into the making of my adult personality. I am 20 now and although I’m carrying a baggage of hurt so heavy that I can’t face it yet, I’m very excited about my hopefully-narc-free future. That’s what you feel after surviving a narc, no matter how short or long your abuse lasted, in whatever shape or form – you feel free. Drained to the very last bone in your body, but absolutely free. You never know how toxic your situation is until you breathe fresher air. But when you know what toxic feels like, you know to run for the hills when you feel that same smell again. That is perhaps the only greatest blessing a narc can give you. Their “love” is the greatest school about yourself, even though the tuition is high and the homework is painful.

  15. I think I beat mine to the punch. My wife had started a smear campaign behind my back with my adult children, my first ex wife and my employer a couple months before I abruptly left. No one told me until my employer did and what she had been doing with them is beyond comprehension. The accusations of affairs, stealing etc. was unbelievable. She had told them all she was planning on filing for divorce months before I did and she never did. I knew for the sake of saving my career, my kids and my sanity that I had to get out. So I packed up and left and filed for divorce in the same day. I have been no contact for 90 days except for the one email she sent me right after what would have been our one year anniversary with happy belated anniversary and the song you had me at hello attached. That was about 10 days ago. When I left I did let her know that I knew about all the lies as there were many from how many marriages she has had (have since found out I was number 4) to the stories she told about her upbringing to raising her own children which she basically abandoned. It has been the hardest 90 days of my life as I like everyone else ask how the heck someone who professed their love for you would do such damaging things. And like others within 48 hours there was another victim. Yet I received emails and texts that it was all my fault and I was the one doing despicable things. I am thankful to learn as much as I can about these predators as they are disguised as normal people. Thank you for all the articles.

  16. holy goodness thank you for your work i thought i was going crazy and this explains the whole mess why i got dumped days before my birthday and how the man who cheated with my wife wanted me to know he felt bad after the deed , wow so im not really nuts just choose the wrong person to love and marry . can you tell me do you do skype sessions and if so when ? thank you so much

  17. I have a quick note on the unfairness part of this. It IS unfair. Completely. There is literally no winning. And worse, we think that karma will avenge us. It won’t. These people claw their way to the top, often without any real repercussions.

    Take heed in this, though: ours is a social species. We are here, quite literally, to be connected. The healthy among us NEED to feel connected. It’s what keeps us going. Narcissists are akin to ships that can never port. Forever adrift and confused as to why they are so. When you realize this, and after the anger of being mistreated passes, you come to pity them. Poor, lost souls. Often that “being lost” part is what we empathize with and causes us to become entangled in the first place! Irony anyone?

    For a guy who has dated a few narcissists, I really appreciate the fact this article isn’t geared towards male narcissists only. Thanks! And keep your heads up everyone. There are amazing people out there who are capable of reciprocity!

    1. Sounds like you are doing better. I had no idea what a narcissist was. My ex totally fits the profile. It’s been 3 months and every day gets better. It really sucks to have gone through this but I’m stronger and more aware. I will get back to my old self after 5 yrs of abuse with this man. It is definitely not our fault…it’s their insecurities. Thank you for sharing your experience. It gives me hope someday I will find and be open to love.

      1. @Nhora
        I’m still in the midst of it, a little. I’ve been through 3 of these, though (all shorter term), and I KNOW that it gets better with time. I’ve lived it. You’ll get to a point where you see them as truly tragically flawed people. You’ll get to where you feel sorry for them. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m asking myself, “What was I thinking!?”. They think that they have something that others lack, but it’s quite the opposite. They lack what really makes a human being a human. It’s like reptiles running amok among mammals.
        I think that the key is to recognize these traits when we see them and to not make excuses for red flags. It’s hard. I have some work to do on that, obviously 🙂
        I’m glad that you’re doing better. Three months isn’t a long time! Stay strong! You’ve received an education that few realize they’ve received. And it’s priceless in terms of finding happiness! All my best.

  18. Everything about the narc is true,she invited me to go along to her narcs mothers house for a braai,bt I declined,and a week later 9 Dec 2015 she moved out,with my 3 year old son, I have known a long time that her mother was her enabeler,I have gone no contact,even when I miss my son,that she would uproot my son to live the script of her sexual abuser,and narc mother,pisses me so off and I just wanted to hurt her back?

  19. BREE,
    THIS ARTICLE WOW! ITS A SIGH OF RELiEF ITS SO TRUE…
    DISTANCE&TIME DOES EASE THE NARC
    ABUSE…
    MY COUNSELOR SZ DON’T FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT, YOU’RE LIVING REALITY GO THROUGH IT….
    ITS REALLY ABT US, GETTING TO THE ROOT ISSUES, BE A BETTER YOU..
    DONT REPEAT THIS AGAIN!!!
    STICK TO WHO YOU ARE, DON’T SETTLE!!!
    AN WE ALL KNOW – ALL THAT SPARKLES DOESN’T SHINE NARCS AREN’T HAPPY….
    THANK YOU BREE YOUR SITE IS HELPFUL….
    AN THE PART ABT DISCARDING US GOOD PEOPLE CAUSE WRE STRONG, BINGO!!!
    BLESSINGS, STRENGTH TO ALL ,THE JOURNEY AHEAD ITS FINDING US..

    ALMOST 2YRS,(NARC DISCARD) I’VE GRADUATED MA PROGRAM, I’M RAISING MY BEAUTIFUL DTR, FINALLY DOING STUFF FOR ME, GETTING BK TO ME, SLOWLY…
    🙂

    1. Time is 9 weeks. Distance is 2 roads away. He has moved in with his pregnant 24 year old girlfriend (he is 40) which I am really struggling with! My eldest daughter has to walk past the block of flats to get the train to school. No contact over christmas but texts my daughter Christmas Day saying he won’t have a nice christmas but when my daughter replies he ignores her because he is with his girlfriend! This girl he has taken cocaine with and said he only went there to block things out, and that he wanted to jump on her stomach from a great height but then goes to the scans.
      The other girl slags him off but constantly contracts him and if they row she tries to contact me! I gave learnt but just hurting I invested all my time in his lies and now he ignores my children when they done nothing wrong! I went to a mediation session with him where he constantly lied and tried to put me down about everything.
      I am so kind but really want him to hurt but realise that will never happen! I can’t keep letting him walk in and out of my kids life, (he doesn’t even pay fir them) but i thought his issues were because his dad walked out and started a new family and never got in contact again!
      I could go on, but I just want to get over it! I gave 2 girls, 16 and 5.

  20. I’m surprised that only heterosexual people post online about narcs. I’m a gay man, and my ex boyfriend is a huge narcissist too! First year was the love bombing, and then second year the gaslighting and the devaluation stage. He dumped me and blocked me several times (we live in different countries and we used to skype a lot). In the end, he didn’t want to either skype or talk to me over the phone, said I was clingy and useless. It’s been 2 weeks now since last discard, usually it lasted for 5 days. I guess I’ll never hear from him again this time. I don’t love him anymore, but it still hurts, I have nightmares about him and I feel so cheated and lied to. All the lies he told me, it’s unbelievable. Those people are really sick, it’s scary! I’m not writing the whole story, it would take hours! But don’t lose hope, best thing to do is to stay as far away from them as possible! I mean, mine was from another country and even from a distance he was able to manipulate and control me! Freaky!

  21. I don’t beleive they know what they are doing is wrong, They don’t know how to be anything but what they are. They may realize that society doesn’t live that way, but they don’t really understand why. You attributing emotions and feeling to them based on you morality and outlook. I think convince people that these people do this intentionally you are convincing them they are victims … you are teaching them not to take and active part in their relationship and allowing them to continue to tell themselves it’s ok to continue to make excuses for these people

    1. Dear Michele, oh but they are aware! Why else would they go through all the trouble of hiding it and lying about it? Making up excuses and blaming you for their behaviour? Why would they be so eager to dispose and badmouth about the ones who have seen the truth of who they are? They feel entitled to do whatever they do with whomever without the same sense of shame or guilt that normal people would have. I believe that they are very conscious of the fact that their actions and maltreatment is wrong. Next thing they do is lie and cover their horrible behaviour up both to the outside world and towards themselves.

  22. This is an amazing site. Thank you so much for all of the articles. I feel very enlightened and empowered. I was “dumped” the day after I moved back to the city where we met. I had moved 3 hours away for a job but returned 5 months later. I expected moving back would be received well…and your article was SO spot on. I knew something wasn’t right during this temporary long distance situation and I thought moving back would be beneficial, but my expiration date was up. I was cast aside without any explanation. Now 7 months later I have pieced together multiple affairs over the course of our 5 year “relationship” along with compulsive gambling and a complete business collapse. It is like I am in a dateline special. Who is or was this person, and how could an intelligent person be so fully taken in and taken down by someone this calculating. By your definition, he is a sociopath. He owes me money and I have decided that my sanity is far more important to me than continuing to be attached to this human being. In July I quit smoking and drinking because I had been medicating myself because he was slowly throwing me off balance by not answering phone calls, not saying or doing things that were typical. I was so hurt and began to feel so lonely. Now I can see that this was all planned out. All the lies, all the insincerity. Your articles has given me light. This man read me SO well. I was separated from a long term marriage due to infidelity when we met and did he ever hone in on that. He would Never cheat on me. Multiple times he spoke of that, and yet I have uncovered at least 4 affairs. I could go on and on, but in so doing I do have some guilt that I over road some intuitive feelings and that is something that I can use as a lesson learned. When you think something is off you really should listen. Just like quitting smoking and drinking which I did on the same day, I have quit this man. I have made it 19 days so far and that might not sound like much but every day I am grateful. He is in my rear view mirror but in time I will look in the rear view mirror and he will be out of sight. I will use your article to motivate myself and to inspire myself to live the life I deserve with more knowledge of myself. I know I didn’t deserve this situation and like a lot of people I grieved the loss of the future that I thought I would have with this man based on the first few years of our relationship. I now know that what I thought we had was an illusion built on lies and deceit. I don’t know this man as I sit here now. This is a sad and humiliating reality for me but I will try to use it to make sure that the next person I allow into my life is not a sociopath. I can only HOPE that I will be more aware of fraudulent behaviour.
    Thank you again.

    1. WowReally, I’m so glad to hear you feel empowered and enlightened by my articles. I’m excited for you and the changes you’re making to physical and mental health. It only gets better from here. Stay strong and keep looking ahead. Xx~Bree

  23. I would like to get some input from the people who will read this. I came to the point where I’m 200% convinced my ex ticks all the boxes… But I start having doubts about myself too …

    The initial stage
    ***
    I met this girl at work 2 years ago. We kept looking at eachother, but
    nothing happened as I was in a relationship (at the end of it), thought she
    would never be interested in me. Then one day, not long after I broke up
    with my previous gf, I started seeing her outside of work and we started
    seeing eachother. I was all loved up, could not want anything else than her,
    and I was really in love, really quick.

    The red flags :
    – Some common colleagues came to me once they learned about the
    relationship, telling me that she was with someone else from work before,
    ended up coming to work claiming he had beaten her and the guy eventually
    got sent to work from home so she could come back to the office
    – After that, they got back together, even living together. One day a friend
    of hers called the guy in for a drink to discuss about their couple, when he
    came back home she had moved away with all her stuff and some of his.
    *** she denied all of the above when I asked her ***
    – I knew through my colleagues she has a daugther. It took her 4 months in
    the relationship to tell me, and it’s because I initially brought up the
    topic.
    – She disappeared a few times without any warning. I checked at work, she
    had taken a couple of days off, did not tell me about it, and finally got
    back to me in the middle of the night by text one day later.
    – Every time she was at my place, she would be a lot on her phone. As soon
    as I would get close, she would lay it face down, or tilt the screen in the
    opposite direction. Again, I pointed that to her for months, and she denied
    it.
    – Regularly she would be silent for hours. We lived litterally 2 minutes
    away from eachother, so I ended up waiting at her door for a couple of hours
    a few times. Every time, she would say something like ‘I went in or out when
    you said you where there, I didnt see you’. Total BS, but I swallowed it
    in…
    – I overheard a conversation she was having with a friend on the phone about
    a 3rd interview for a job in a different city. When I asked her about it she
    answered ‘that she wasnt sure she should talk about it because it was not
    done yet, and that she was holding back her decision because of her
    relationship’. From my perspective it’s weird not to share that kind of
    things going on after 3 months together…
    – One day, I got fed up with the silences and her constantly delaying our
    rendezvous without explaining anything. When I confronted her, she mentioned
    her daughter had texted her for an emergency. At that point I wanted to see
    the message on her phone, she went through her pockets and said ‘I have
    probably lost it’. I offered to go back on her steps to look for it and she
    declined. Eventually we ended up in my place, and I checked her jacket
    pocket knowing her phone would be there. At this stage, I kicked her out of
    my place after calling her in not very nice ways to say the least.

    The moving in phase
    ***
    After this initial break up, I just missed her a lot. One day while trying
    to call her, I noticed that the phone ring was not usual. I searched a bit,
    and figured out she was in a different country. I emailed her to say that
    she was in her home country (Bosnia) according to the ring tone. She emailed
    me that I was just crazy, that I was just making things up in order to do
    things in her back, and that she was in the same country as I was. She even
    pushed it as far as sending me her location using Viber to corroborate this.

    We patched up together again (mostly because I was trying to), and ended up
    travelling a few days after this. As I needed her passport to check-in the
    flights, I noticed that the passport stamps matched what I thought. She
    still managed to deny it, saying she was there ‘just for one day’. There was
    a week difference between the in/out stamps. This led to another oversized
    argument because I was rubbing facts in her face and she kept denying it. We
    went to my home country, she met my parents, and when we came back, she just
    went off-radar again. I went to her flat, and saw a car in front of it
    loaded with things. I came in, and some guy was taking her stuff out of the
    apartment.
    Confrontation : “Yeah, I asked him to move out a few things, but It’s not
    for the job thing at all. I forgot to tell you because I forgot he was
    coming today”. Another load of bullshit. She eventually disappeared, after
    an extended sick leave at work she had not told me about.

    A few weeks later, she called me back, asking me to give her back an object
    with sentimental value she had left at my place (a ring). I went to the
    address she had given me for shipping the ring (she was not answer my power
    calling or sporadically and always ‘had to go’ and would not say anything
    about her whereabouts). When i went there I noticed she was working at the
    company she had interviewed for earlier. We spoke for quite a long time, and
    eventually got back together for a ‘distance’ relationship (3 hours away
    from eachother).

    One day, I had taken an extended weekend to join her and spend some time.
    Out of the blue, an hour before I left to go with her, she texted me ‘it’s
    over’. No further explanation, not picking up the calls, not answering the
    messages. I ended up at that point sleeping with my ex, honestly more out of
    rage than because I wanted it, but this was going too far for me.

    She eventually came back to me at the end of that weekend we were meant to
    spend together, and so we were back in that fucked-up ersatz of relationship
    again.

    The ex did not take it too well that I just had a one-night stand with her
    before going back to the one I love, so she texted her to explain what
    happened. This led to a cataclysmic fight, and the only possibility I was
    given at that point was to end the relationship or come over to the city she
    was in and find a job there.

    So…
    We moved in together. I was on leave from my work, looking for a job while I
    was living with her and her daughter, and had to go through hell because of
    what happened the last time she had dumped me. I had to go for regular
    visits to my home city to see my company doctor, and she was texting me or
    calling me 60 times a day when it happened. In at least 3 occurrences,
    because I was not answering fast enough or because she felt I was in a mood
    on that morning, she called sick at her work to follow me there for the
    whole day. On the other days, while I was watching her daughter, picking her
    up from school etc, she was spying on me through the kid .The daughter
    confirmed that later on to me. One day in a fight I mentioned it to the
    mother, she brought in the kid and asked her in front of me, which led to
    more shit after she said no. All of a sudden I had coerced her daughter into
    saying stuff (I asked her once) and she felt compelled to ‘give me the
    answer i wanted’. Besides that, things were good living together for a few
    months …

    We ended up coming back to my home city. She left her job (After again a
    sick leave at the end), and did not want to let me go to the home city alone
    to look at flats, worried I would be looking for one only for myself. We
    found a new place, and i got back to my old job, while she had found a new
    one. During that period, 2 major things :
    – She was very secretive about her workplace. They have 2 offices in town,
    it took her 3 weeks to tell me which one she was working in.
    – She started again to act overly jealous. Texting me 60 times a day while i
    was stuck in meetings at work, timing my start-end of shifts and giving out
    to me when i was in there more than i had to, and obviously, making
    references to ‘my exes and bitches’ repeatedly.

    One day, I decided I could not cope with that anymore.
    I told her I was leaving, and that she had exhausted all my patience. She
    followed me, crying and begging me on her knees, threatening me to commit
    suicide, started a scene in front of the police station going on her knees
    again until the cops came out and asked us to sort out our things in
    private.
    After we got home, I asked her to think about the whole thing and went out.
    15 minutes later, I got texts from her, saying that anyway I was not
    appreciate , and that she was leaving me (!) and would not be at the
    apartment when id come back.
    It tickled my Spider-senses, so i ran back home. All my valuables were gone.
    Cameras, computers (work and personal), my tablet, my passport. I rang her
    asking to bring the stuff back, and she feigned not to understand what i was
    talking about. After 15 minutes of phone bullshit, I called the cops.
    This ended as a farce. The cops brought her outside at some point and came
    back with some of my belongings, but did not allow me to press charges. They
    just asked us to stay quiet for her daughter and our neighbours, and left it
    there, while they had brought back all my things after leaving with her. The
    next thing she told me is
    “one of the cops told me you are exhibiting all the traits of a psyopath, so
    do not hesitate to call us back if he hits you or gets violent”. It just
    felt out of this world as she had been caught after stealing, but the cops
    went soft on her and she got it her way…. The next sentence was “You’re
    gonna pay for this”.

    So I left. The next day, friends of mine came and helped me moving out all
    my things. I ended up stranded at friends’ places for a month as there were
    not suitable places available, so one day she offered to take me back in as
    I had paid the rent for the month, and let me have the 2nd bedroom while she
    would sleep with her daughter. I took the offer, and obviously we ended up
    sleeping together again.

    One day, she texted me in the evening to say she was not comfortable with
    the situation, and that I should look for another place to stay…. at 10pm.
    When I asked to come over and pick up my suitcase at least, she remained
    locked in and said that she would have someone dropping it to me at work on
    the next day. As I was quite pissed already at being kicked out like that
    and on top of it not having access to my belongings, I ended up banging the
    door until the neighbours got involved. She opened the door, stayed in the
    door frame and denied me the right to get in and get my stuff. After 10
    minutes of arguig, i pushed her aside to get in, and she landed on her
    bottom. Next thing I heard was ‘You assaulted me, you are going to pay for
    this, there are witnesses’. I left

    2 days later, one of her ‘friends’ calls to threaten me, saying i beat the
    shit out of her. After reminding the person that his rightful place was out
    of my sight and my relationship, I cleared out it was total BS.

    Since I’m an idiot, a month later, I went back to her. We got back together,
    and she repeatedly mentioned that ‘since I probably fucked around in the
    meantime’, she got back in touch with her exes (Which is something she
    threatened me of many times while we were together before). I offered her to
    come over at my new apartment as she was paying the rent alone, she declined
    because she didnt want to live in a place without having her name on the
    lease. (Incidentally, that’s the argument she used when we broke up that
    she has a daughter and the lease in her name so any lawyer would say i cant
    keep the flat myself). In the meantime, I found out she actually had a
    flatmate… and didnt mention anything about him, even though we were back
    together. I went there and spoke with the guy, he confirmed he lived there
    pretty much since I left. When I confronted her about this ‘it was just for
    a couple weeks to help out a friend’s friend’. 5 months later, the same guy
    still lives there… He gave me his phone number when i got there, but
    blocked me since then. According to her, ‘I scared him’.

    The finale
    ****
    We broke up again at the end of last November after she started jealousy
    crisis’ over nothing (And I mean it, I was behaving like an angel and was
    dedicated to this relationship all along, I was just pissed and reacting accordingly when called a cheat or a liar). At that point , her friend who
    threatened me in the past came to me multiple times and asked me not to get
    in touch with her. He got me the rest of my belongings she had kept, as well
    as the money she owed me, but told me not to get in touch with her again…

    Life went by for me … a month later I was taking some time off with a
    friend of mine, and we slept together. I also got back in touch with an ex,
    as we met in work and she asked me how I was, I explained to her the whole
    story. We did not get involved again, but spoke a lot back then.

    Comes January this year. We bumped into eachother again. This time I dont
    believe it was accidentally, because she got invited to a party organised by
    my employer through her friends. The conversation there did not go very
    nicely, as she was throwing a lot of accusations in the world at me. One of
    them included was right, but the rest was again total made-up bs … She got
    me so angry on that evening that I kissed somebody else on that evening. And
    people went to her to say it, which prompted another wave of incendiary
    messages.

    We ended up going back together a week after. She had come to me to say she
    was pregnant from November, and I thought that was maybe the switch moment
    for her. She had told me a billion times she thought I could not commit,
    that I should go to therapy, so I did 2 things I would have never
    considered before :
    – I booked appointment with a therapist for my ‘commitment issues’
    – I proposed to her so she would see i really meant it
    – I asked her to keep the baby and raise it as a family

    She accepted the proposal, started a fight about what i did during our
    previous breakup, and on the next day, the answer had changed to ‘I did not
    really say yes you know, you have to prove yourself’.

    And so back to square one. We were seeing eachother pretty much every day,
    but she would start fights out of nowhere. She would be extremely secretive
    about many things, particularly her phone, but could freely roam into mine.
    She wouldnt add me back on facebook as a friend. She still had ‘trips’
    planned during the breakup, she wouldnt say anything about, except that it
    was about. She asked me to remove anything that looked like an ex from the
    phone/facebook/skype and block them. Even call a couple of exes to say i got
    engaged and that what happened between us didnt mean a thing.

    I tended to start fights because I felt she was asking me a lot, but at the
    same time was not giving back a lot herself. She would not wear her ring (We
    needed to have the size adjusted, but she kept finding excuses not to show
    up at the jewelry when we agreed to mee there), leave the whole relationship
    on hold, and wave these ‘trips with friends’ under my nose as a constant
    threat.

    I eventually told her I slept with someone in December and got in touch with
    one specific person too. She took that as the ultimate weapon to put back in
    my face every time. Because I didnt tell her earlier, my whole proposal was
    a lie.

    We went to Spain for a few days, a month ago.
    On the first evening, I wanted to tag a picture of us on fb. So it brought
    up the topic on the table. I just asked her to make it unless she wanted to
    hide it away from her other loves interests. She stood up , stormed out of
    the bar. When I asked her to talk and tried to reasons her, she just told me
    she wanted to go back to the flat, take her suitcase and passport, and she
    would go find another accomodation. I tried to reason, and 2 times, she just
    stopped to tell me she couldnt talk to me, that I was not listening, and
    that she would go to the flat with the Spanish Police to get her things,
    while i was trying to reason her. After we did this 3 times, I let her go
    away and blow off some steam (I noticed that the first thing she did was
    pulling out her phone and have a call as soon as she was 20 meters away) and
    stayed at the same place. She came back there 20 minutes after, telling me
    that I had abandoned her in Madrid, That I didnt care about her and that I
    would have been responsible if anything had happened to her because her
    phone was malfunctioning and she did not have the address for the
    accomodation…

    After we came back from Madrid, things got weirder. I made her do a
    pregnancy test, which turned negative. The next day, she came back saying
    she had another one, and it was positive this time … so the baby part
    looked like a big big lie again…

    Valentine’s day was getting close, and I asked her whether i could plan
    something for us day after day after day … the answer i got was ‘Are you
    asking me that every day to make sure I do not go with one of my many other
    options ?”. At this point I lost it, and a slap went off automatically. That
    was the first time of my life I did this, and I really didnt feel good about
    it. I apologized. And when I apologized, the next thing she did was dragging
    me to a police station, to put in writing that i had slapped her. The next
    day her previously threatening friend called me again. Threated to kill me
    if i didnt leave the country and my job. Threatened my family abroad, citing
    their full names. I pressed charges.
    The next day, when i spoke to her about that, the only answer i got was :
    “I’m not aware of this and well .. you slapped me Jonathan”.

    So that’s it. The last thing that hit me is that I called her work the day
    after the slap to talk. 3 people on the phone confirmed me she had resigned
    from her job a few weeks prior and was not working there anymore. Also that
    she was on sick leave for a good couple weeks… when confronted with that,
    the answer was the same … people are lying.

    At this point, I’ m still in love with her. I can;t stop thinking of her.
    She has control over all communication methods we have (She blocked
    everything, the only way I hear from her is when she actually calls me or
    texts me). and she keeps repeating to me that I’m a piece of shit that never
    loved her. She keeps coming up with ‘And anyway what’s the point talking,
    you are seeing/sleeping with XXX’. Im on my knees mentally and physically,
    I’m just thinking about her all the time and trying to make things good, and
    I feel like the floor is literally mopped with my heart every time we
    communicate.

    And to close on her planned trips mentioned above. The last week went like this :
    We had contact a week ago more or less, but she would be doing it in a strange way. Skype calls, while usually she would use her phone… My messages would be delivered with hours of delay. When I again confronted her with that, her only answer was that that’s why she left me and could not be with me, because I’m too focused on what doesnt matter. Because she does not like the way i talk to her. Then she told me I would never be able to reach her on her phone number ever again. I texted her afterwards, the message got delivered 4 days later (she was abroad when I rang), and she posted a picture taken from Iceland on the next day… So she basically engineered all this shit in Spain and in the following weeks to cover up for her Iceland escapade…

    Since I started reading
    about NPD, I got convinced that she was a serious case of that. Now the
    second part that worries me, is that It feels I have some of these symptoms
    as well… and when I think about it, these symptoms are not something I
    used to do before the relationship, but that developed since I got with her.
    I never chased/stalked my exes as much as i do for her, i never felt so
    powerless in a conversation because I’m trying to have a fruitful
    conversation. I’m not an idiot, and she keeps making me swallow whatever she
    wants to consider as the reality …

    Would you have general advice or something that we could work on from there
    ? Thanks for taking the time to read all this … I tried to be as honest as I
    could and omitted some passages obviously, but I tried not to give too much
    of a bias either. I’m not perfect far away from it and I can recognize my
    mistakes, but in this case this is just not enough.

    1. I am only 2 days no contact. And the N is the one who finally blocked me. I just couldn’t do it. 1 year ago I was in a relationship,the first in 5 years. The man I was seeing used to work for me,I’m self employed with about 12 employees. Anyway he contacted me after he’d been gone to another state for 3 years. We saw each other meeting in the middle about 3 hours drive, every couple of weeks. I eventually broke it off because his stories became more and more suspicious. I listened to my gut. Then as I was grieving that one..here came my narcissist,as I know him to be now. He was younger than me by 17 years! I know. At first we just hung out, I felt I was using him to help me past the last relationship. The N was a troubled guy that had used drugs ,meth, in the past. He worked for me..and I’d just fired him for some bad behavior in front of a customer. He began crying, telling me of his past and drug problems. So there it began . I am a fixer. Or better term..wanna be fixer. I felt he was harmless. Little did I know. We started a sexually thing after about a month. I kept thinking it was nothing, I could end it anytime . I was the mature one. Ha. He had turned on the charm. I needed that attention so much. He would tell me over the phone he wanted me so bad,using explicit details. I’d go over to where he was, never his own place, and he wouldn’t even be interested. He made me feel so rejected. (I found out later he had women of ages 16 to 55 all over the place) that rejection turned into me becoming insecure. Though I denied it. He even said on occasion ..stop being insecure. I laughed at him. I said the last thing I am is insecure buddy! He Weasel ed his way into my home. he started spending the night, which turned into him staying more and more. He had nowhere to go really. His family nor friends wouldn’t help him in any way. I had so many red flags. So many gut feelings. I ignored them all. He was giving me so much attention. But little intimacy. He was hard to resist. But then he started showing rage. I had accused him of sleeping around on a few occasions when my gut was screaming at me. Which later turned out to be 100 % accurate. I would ask him to leave, he had quit working as he couldn’t get along with anyone. Damn I look back and remember thinking what the he’ll is wrong with this guy! On so many occasions. He would refuse to leave. He tore things up in my house, and my dogs were scared of him. I had bought him a motorcycle brand new in the meantime. He would ask ,”if I leave can I take the motorcycle and pay you payments” I knew he,wouldn’t pay for it,he wouldn’t even pay his phone bill. This went on and on. We took trips together, but I’d finally gotten him out of my house after my son came one day while the N was in a rage and threw him out. He called crying again. Was homeless living behind a store. I went and got him but paid for him a small hotel for a week. I knew not to let him in my house again. He got a job. But all he would do was buy pot. I was such an enabler. He would not take care of himself in any form! I’d say, I’m not paying this hotel again. He’d charm me, I’m ashamed of that. But he did. I paid dearly. I look back now and wonder was I the narcissist. Was paying his way my way of controlling him? We went thru the holidays,with him coming over, my 2 grown sons hated him. And stayed away. The N told me he’d never had a family for holidays so I let him stay. He made a long list of what he wanted for christmas. Never asking what I might want. He wasn’t living with me,but we were still being together. But I’d put the motorcycle for sale. So I was his ride for everything. Exhausting! He didn’t care. Here was,christmas, work, running a farm..and he sat there high. Demanding everything. How was I so blind!!? After Christmas ,and many disappearing tricks on his part thru the months hiding his phone but jealous of mine. I caught him. He’d been seeing a woman he’d met online. I I demanded to see his phone. He left while I looked through it. And omg. He’d been offering on fb 15,16 year old and on up $1500 to come to the hotel to interview for adult modeling. He succeeded many times, hard to believe. He’d tell them he’d mail Their checks after. And that for 4000 they had to perform oral and other forms of sex acts. So many fell for it. Then cussed him out in chat for not getting the money. Also just random affairs he’d had. Even with men! When he came back, he knew I knew it all. He cried and said he had a problem he didn’t know what was wrong with him. I was so emotional. Angry, hurt,disgusted. I left him. Again he was homeless. Calling me, so I told him call some rehabs. He said he would do anything to keep me and if he did that would I stay with him. I said sure. He found some rehabs ,I took him,he called me three days later saying he couldn’t stay that he had to go to a sober living house 3 hours away. I took him there. Now in my heart ,I felt like this was it. I had gotten him to a safe place , out of state. I could be done. I didn’t know I’d become addicted to this mess then. I dropped him off, we had a major fight, he said I was abandoning him. I said maybe you’ll meet someone your age here and it can be done. He kicked my car, screaming, raised his hand at me.said he loved me more than anything ( he always said that) He begged me to take him home. I left him. Told him I loved him. We continued to talk, then he admitted to me one day when I asked him why he was acting crazy on the phone, that he’d sneaked into the girls room and had sex. Said he was getting kicked out . That was a lie. He said you’re just going to leave me here??? Begging to come home! I couldn’t believe it. But still! I talked to him like we were still together. He begged me to visit the next weekend. Told me he couldn’t wait to be with me,he missed me so. Again, the charm. Again,I headed there to see him. I was excited until I got close. Then I felt that familiar gut feeling. When I saw him I felt not much because of the way he acted. He was always the cuddler,couldn’t keep his hands off me (just never gave up the sex unless it was for his benefit )but now he wouldn’t even look at me and I was dressed to kill. He barely hugged me. I had reserved a nice hotel..we went in and immediately he wanted to go to the mall and shop! I said I came here to try to work this out. Not to shop. I knew something was up. We’d not seen each other in a month at this point and on the phone he’d been so explicit. So I started an argument, and he seemed very indifferent . He accused me of having a man. He did that alot even before. We ended up in bed but I wouldn’t let him near me until the next morning I gave in. I left feeling disappointed and confused. Very confused. As I now know I was the entire relationship. When I got back home I noticed a new girl on his fb. I messaged her. She didn’t respond. But I outed him to her about everything. In the next few days of me pulling it out of him,he admitted to having sex with her 2 days before I got there. In a park. In broad daylight. She was my age. I’ve been tested 4 times during this relationship. At this point he figured I was gone and said,so. But kept begging to come home. Saying all I want is to come home! Crying. Rages. Next thing I know, he’s manipulated his way into being on the staff at this rehab! Now hes,still getting high there,apparently there is a no end of drugs and if you fail a drug test you have to leave for 5 days then you can come back and start over. Well he got kicked out once. Now he’s on the staff?????!! So the next day ,I just left it alone. I disappeared on him. I went out of town with friends posting pics of us laughing having a great time. He blew my phone up! Accusing, begging. Charm. All of it. I really felt done. But I still couldn’t pull the plug! I couldn’t go no contact. I was sucked back in by all that. So I noticed after I told him I was back home, and that if he’d really start putting in t h e effort I’d stay with him thru this. But he had to do the work. That night he disappeared again. Wouldn’t answer the phone etc. Bleh. That was it. Sent him a text,told him I was done with his games no mushy goodbye. Just slamming the door. An hour later he wrote all I wanted was to come home. Are you really leaving me just like that?” Then he told me “well you made it real easy. I was helping a addict who almost od’ed. And you think I’m with a girl” he then blocked me on everything. Phone Facebook etc. But only after he’d put up a new,picture of him and some new,guy friend. So that’s it. And I’m struggling so bad right now. Not to contact him. Not to think about him. I haven’t saw him in person for a few,weeks. I’m sure he has,set up my replacement. And that kills me. My whole body aches, like I have the flu. I feel like I turned into what he is! My friends are sick of hearing it. So I just don’t call them. I’m embarrassed by it anyway. But it’s so hard not to talk to anyone. I’ve started writing in a journal. I’ve been reading this,site for a couple of weeks trying to understand. I’m not sure he,qualifies as a N but I feel like I do. He did apologize. He did admit things he’d done. But only after he made me twist and threaten and beg. In the end he told me all I did was accuse him anymore and that we never could have a regular conversation. I told him I was sorry I wasn’t getting better as fast as he’d like! Sarcastically of course. From what I’ve read here it seems like he is. But he really hung in there and seemed really ashamed of the things he’d done. I’ve been accusing him for a few months,now since (some)of the truth came out. I’m sure there is much more. I sent the coordinator of the sober living a detailed message about him and the underage girls,drugs,etc mostly as a warning. But I’ve found out she has moved him into her unit, she is an ex heroine addict. He says,there are 6 guys in that unit. But he’s been made staff in less than 2 months? I’m sure he is in her bed. Maybe she’s the new me. He has a phone now, all of a sudden. I know him as a thief, a destroyer of property, a liar,a unknown sex offender. A cheater. And master manipulater. I’d love some feed back please! I am healing each day I know. But this has really left me devastated. I read what I’ve just wrote and I don’t recognize myself. How I let this go on. And I feel hopeless. How could I ever trust myself to pick the right person again. Thank you for reading all of this if you have. And any feedback.

  24. It’s almost a year for me trying to heal my broken heart
    Loved a narcissist guy who dumped me after 4 years of friendship
    I was lucky to find out his betrayals with new women …lies …. cruel words behind my back
    And all he said was “we had nothing special in common”
    Without even an apology or anything that could help my crushed trust he left
    He Kept sending messages anytime he wanted and everytime I would betray myself by thinking that he loved me and I would tell myself “awe how sweet he’s regretful now”
    He then came and left came and left came and left
    And didnt even let me fly and move on
    Finally I decided to break any connections I had with him
    I changed my number and unfriended him on social media which was a little too late but a positive step for my healing process
    He then kept sending messages to my old number and asked me if I were ok or not
    It was clear that for him I was a total prisoner
    He never loved me or even trusted me like the way I did for him
    Whatever you do if you’re in relationship with a narscissist guy / girl
    Just set yourself free it doesnt worth it
    I swear to god it doesn’t really worth it
    Just care about your mental and physical health cause a man like this shoot you in the heart and leaves you with a broken soul

  25. I was thrown out during a miscarriage which would have been our first child together. How can someone be so cold to break up a relationship during a difficult time? Mind boggling..

  26. “You started seeing through the charade of the narcissist. You began challenging the narcissist on their lies and hypocrisy. You saw their mask slip and caught a glimpse of the evil, phony person that they have been hiding from you. At that point, you’re no longer a good source of supply. Your expiration date has arrived.

    Your inkling or glimpse of the truth of what has been hiding behind the mask invalidates the deluded image the narcissist has of themselves. Their cover has been blown and to survive they need to discard you so that they don’t have to acknowledge the reality of their real, flawed self. To acknowledge the truth of their real-self would shatter the narcissist into pieces from which they could never recover.”

    This is what happened in my case. The N in my life was only in my life for 2 months and managed to seriously screw with my brain and went through the cycles idealise, devalue and discard as well as triangulations about 2x in 2 months. CRAZY!

    The final episode was him sabotaging me in my business because he is probably jealous of my success. he went into a rage over nothing. It destroyed me, and he knew it. Then he was all apologies for about two days, and then he called me and dumped me. I am sure it was because I saw him for what he really is. A boy that is full of rage and feels like a lost failure.

    It still hurts, and I realise that being attracted to these types is just a way for me to validate my feeling of worthlessness. This time, though I am using the opportunity to get to know me and my patterns and instead of feeling like I am having a break down, I am having a break thru.

    Excuse my language, but FUCK THESE GUYS!!

      1. Indeed!

        After three weeks of no contact I sent a birthday message to the N. Because I am nice. And he didn’t reply. He is also ignoring mutual friends. We all think he feels humiliated. Whatever. Normal humans don’t treat people that way. Even if you do not want to be with a person, you are honest about it and you say it. Flat out ignoring a person is just rude but also validates everything I believed.

        immature POS. I’m

  27. Most of this is spot on…I’d say 95%. I need to leave. My husband told me I was a slut when I told him abouf abuse I experienced. Zero empathy when I am suffering or sick. Very verbally and emotionally abusive. I just walk away now. Most of my heart doesnt care anymore. I am mostly disgusted by him now and that I wasted my time and didnt see any of this sooner.

    1. Will keep it short – married 37 years. I made excuses because he was diagnosed as bipolar but that was just the tip of the iceberg. He attempted to completely destroy me – 2 years post divorce the BS continues.
      This was one of the best articles I have seen. Thank you so much for it !

  28. Excellent article!!!!!
    Every word you have written,
    I have lived through…
    Thank you for explaining
    what a narcissist is…
    Thank you for helping me..
    I am eager to buy your book.

    Kathleen

  29. not all narcissists do the smear campaign. they are not all the same. mine worked the other way around where i truly ended up looking like i was the narcissist. he never wanted people to know that we had any relationship. in fact, it was never a real relationship. i was just his internet emotional punching bap and ego booster, or lack thereof, thus the extreme punishment. hes an internet predator. a few of his friends knew about me but mostly, they didnt know until i told them and then, i was the liar and bitch out to destroy a good mans character. and he looked innocent because he never even tried to defend himself and didnt need to because people either didnt believe me or didnt care, even with the screen shots.

  30. My ex is a covert malignant narcissist. Hew is on the extreme of evilness. He has custody 50% of the time and uses my sons as ways to further abuse me. He is abusive to them now–gaslighting, extreme control over them, monitors them via cameras in the house etc. He continues his covert attacks on my character and has told the world I am mentally ill. He destroyed me financially, socially, emotionally and psychologically. He continues to use his lies as beating sticks to keep me in fear of losing my sons to him. I am a fabulous mother but he has used my medical issues to claim that I am mental and I have to fight this battle against him while I am very physically ill much of the time. How do I stop him from keeping me living in fear as he has totally manipulated the courts against me and the co-parenting therapist. He just lies in that covert way ALL THE TIME but to the untrained person–he is very believable. He chose student therapists to do the counseling and so he fooled them all. God help me. Any advice?

  31. Thank you Bree for a very accurate description of a narcissist , I too was recently dumped by someone I met on the Internet. Two months of talking every day, at least 2 hour conversations. Thought we were taking it slow, it all looked great,I noticed she had everything perfect on the outside, started noticing she was a perfectionist, control freak. One day while visiting I gently commented I was someone who could not be controlled nor would I want to be expected to participate in her family obligations. She claimed to have a great relationship with her parents, found out she really had an unhealthy relationship with her mom. Idolized her dad. The next morning I received a text stating she needed time to think about our conversation, said she wouldn’t be calling that night or the next but would call. Three days later she texts me stating she wanted to talk, gave me 2 times she was available. I felt something off so I took more time for myself. I did not respond until 4 days later. I called her only to be greeted by someone I didn’t even know. She had a list of 100 character flaws towards me, going all the way back to the first date, in which I was accused of being rude to a waiter. ( I was not). She continued to make me feel like a piece of poo on the bottom of her shoe. At that point I had no choice but to defend myself . Now I’m being accused of being angry. It goes on, basically everything she was pointing at me me I saw in her, she never wanted to see me again. I was blindsided & blown away. After time passed I began to understand she was NPD. So I will chalk this up to divine intervention. I was spared early before too much investment. Bottom line listen to your intuition! Thanks for sharing, it helped to understand I wasn’t the one unworthy of love. I pray for her & everyne else’s experiences on the blog, that these wounded people get some help, before the continue to leave a trail of destruction in other people’s lives.

  32. I just want to add how bewilderingly weird and cruel the discard can be. Everything was fine with my narcissist..I mean..I was seeing red flags but we had spent this romantic week together then he disappeared for week after we returned. When I sent an email expressing my hurt and anger. He responded and reassured me..he said all kinds of nice things. He even ended the email with a question. I answered him. That was a month ago and I’ve heard nothing. Not one word. He appears to have left town. I blocked him 3 weeks ago from emailing or calling. I think I wanted to post here just to tell other women and men that the discard can just blow your mind. It can seem bizarre and with no rhyme or reason. Don’t think because they haven’t devalued you that they aren’t pathological predators. They can just wake up and decide they’re done. I hate to say it but it really does feel like they are not human. I’m still reeling but these sites help me and every day I come here and find strength to go on in the face of this heartbreak. Hugs for everyone. And happy first day of summer!

  33. Omg everything that was said is being done to me by the ex right now I lost my uncle who I was very close to not even 6 weeks ago to cancer at the young age of 54 last Friday was his 55th birthday and the 14th year anniversary of my relationship he decided it was over just 2days ago after begging me not to give up on us yet promised he would come around since he moved out 2weeks ago and never showed up just made excuses…
    I suffer quite severely with bipolar and used my mixed emotions as an excuse..

  34. What if they push you discard them?

    My so-called “friend” played the victim for months. When I started “seeing through” and started asking questions that probably made him realise I was starting to “see through” (I don’t know?! could this be possible?), he started projecting onto me everything that he was doing (being jealous, clingy, taking advantage of people).
    Then everything was all fine and dandy again, as if nothing had happened. At that point I was seriously fed up and I asked him to leave (he was living at my place). Suddenly, he appeared sad -as in, resigned to being kicked out again, like in his many failed relationships before- and even went on to say that his last year living with me had been one of the best in his life. Wow. I thought, imagine the others!

    Anyway, the final straw happened not even a week after we had planned holidays together. I was totally speechless. Then suddenly all the red flags and odd behaviours ‘clicked’. Oh well… I’m better off without him around.
    The tricky thing is: we work in the same office and he now obviously acts almost as the perfect gentleman. After all, “I kicked him out”, right? I have no idea what colleagues know. After we argued and decided he’d move out, he asked me not to say anything at work. I start wondering if this is another funny trick for having free reign at work and manipulate colleagues’ opinions. I don’t know… I just know that I haven’t got any problem with any colleague at work. I’m tempted to keep quiet. The good people will see who’s crazy and who is not.

    At the same time, I do feel pity for this guy. I don’t think such types can be cured or whatever… They would have to first accept that there is something to cure, right? Which seems highly unlikely to happen, from what I’m reading.
    I’m tempted to send him a note to say he’ll end his days a lonely person. And wish him good luck. Something around the lines of: We are not friends anymore then? OK, fine. It’s been nice for some time. Good luck in life. Bye.
    Would it be too blunt? Considering we work in the same office… mmm…. **scratching chin**

    Finally, to all women and men out there who have had or still have to do with these types, BE STRONG!!! You are better than them and their games. It’s going to hurt, but you’ll make it!!! Keep Believing in Yourself!!!

  35. Very good article. Every word is true. I was discarded by my narcissist husband (now ex) after 20 years of marriage. He first had to destroy me and when I was at my lowest time of my life , he tried to declare me mentally ill. He is a police officer and abused all of his so called cop power. But I stayed strong. I was a sane woman. I was abused. He left the family. His reason was that I was crazy. Translation :I am having an affair with a young cop co worker. Well, I filed for divorce. I never talked to him again and I took care of myself. The hell with him. 3 years of no contact. 2 years divorced. I am so happy and at peace. As for him. I do not care who he sees it where he lives. As long as he sends my monthly alimony check I do not care. Thank God for good divorce attorneys.

  36. When I met him, a successfull and wealthy doctor, he showered me with attention, gifts, lavish trips, clothes, shoes, and was constantly telling me I was the woman of his dreams. He promised everything from children (being in my mid-thirties and childless, he knew I wanted that more than anything in the world!), a beautiful house in a great neighborhood and a happy life in which I would never worry about anything. Basically my Prince Charming had arrived on his white horse to whisk me away to my dream castle! Unfortunately, he soon started to use and discard me as he pleased, leaving me for no reason, screaming at me, telling me I was not worthy of him and just a crazy bitch. I am educated, have a sucessfull career, and when I met him, I was completely self-sufficent, emotionnally and financially. Slowly I became the shell of my old self, begging for his attention and affection, living in the constant fear of enraging him, always being ready for him whenever he needed/wanted me even if I had to cancel plans with friends and family,. I treated him like a king, yet I was never good enough for him. He changed the rules constantly, his needs were always different from day to day, and I couldn’t follow the pace of the crazy cycle of idealization and devaluation he put me through. One day he’d marry me, and the next he would scream the worst insanities at me, leaving me crying and gasping for air, telling me he never wanted to see me again because I didn’t deserve him. Then he’d come back with flowers, apologize profusely, and proceed to tell me about the ”dream life” he wanted to build for us. Yet, the crazy cycle would soon start again and I would never win, no matter how hard I tried to make him happy. I was bound to fail. He was really stressed and would blame me for the time we spend together and the effect it had on his workload. I became responsible for everything that went wrong with his life. He would vomit rage on me with no shame on a regular basis. And it ended after a week of full blown narcissistic rage, mind fucks, stonewalling, and leaving me crying in my shower, contemplating suicide. And that is when he told me that he didn’t have time or energy for my ”bullshit” (i.e. serious suicidal ideas!) because the soccer game was on and he had a buddy waiting for him… He turned off his phone that night and never tried to ask if I was ok. I missed work the next day and when I called him back (of course, cause now I felt ashamed for being so crazy) he blamed me for forgetting his birthday and not having planned anything. Although I was trying to pick up the pieces of what was left from my sanity and my shattered self-esteem, he blamed me for being inadequate, not worthy of a man like him, and a selfish and egocentric woman. That was the moment I realized that I deserved better than him. Unfortunately, after breaking it off, I discovered that I am pregnant. Probably due to the narcissistic injury I caused by breaking up, he went into a huge rage and clearly told me that I was on my own and that he did not give the slighlest care in the world for me or this pregnancy. He chose to stonewall me and ignore my attempts at trying to discuss options to end or continue the pregnancy. As much as I would want to keep this baby, I cannot envision a lifetime of his cruel abuse and whatever legal hell he’ll put me through when it comes to child support and custody. I cannot justify bringing a child in a highly toxic and dysfunctional relationship between a broken mother and a cruel soulless father. I know that his return in my life would lead me to commit suicide. I love this child already with all my heart, but I love myself more… And at last, I am free of narcissistic abuse!

  37. Bree – thank you for this most insightful article. This has completely explained my situation when everyone has told me there was no explanation at all and I should stop searching.

    My ex left me on Mothers day this year, as I waited with our children for him to come home (as he promised). He was with someone else. He moved in with her the next day and it’s been flaunted in my face ever since. I have to continue to see him for the children (they are 4 and 5). My whole life fell apart as did the kids. I did exactly what you described and begged and pleaded and took all the responsibility. I didn’t understand. I was told I could try and win him back on the one day a week he came for the kids, while he returned to his new gf every other time, I tried for a few weeks until the insanity of that situation became so apparent I had no other option but to walk away and do reduced contact (about the kids only). He hated that. In all reality his mask had been well and truly slipping and I stopped feeding him. I fed until I literally fell apart with a serious auto immune disorder and when I collapsed he left for her. I keep getting pulled into his narc vortex but each time now I emerge stronger and more quickly and soon I know I will be strong enough to hang up the phone or close the door.

    He did set all of his friends and families up against me with a smear campaign. I did waste valuable energy correcting this. For the most everyone believes me but it made no difference in the end, it doesn’t change things. More people see him for what he is (except his new supply), but basically that just means he ultimately abandons more people as he dumps anyone who doesn’t believe him (even his own mother who he blocked from his life as much as me) and creates new circles and life. He has done this all before, numerous times.

    I have major ongoing concerns about co-parenting with him but overall at least I know what I am dealing with now. I will do anything to be the parent I need to be.

    The hardest part for me, is that despite all of this, i still love him. Love him deeply. But there is not much you can do when that love dies (or perhaps never existed). I don’t think he is a terrible person. He is like he is because of his childhood and what happened in his life. I tried to help, for years, to no avail. However, nothing will change or prompt him to make any changes and so for my own sanity I must find my own path.

  38. First of all I must say what great words in this article. And also I would appreciate replies on what I went through. I was 17 when I met my N. Typical swept me off my feet, spoiled me. He had an abusive childhood which seemed to scar him. He joined the army, and after he got home from training he was a pretty unhappy person. So he is in the process of trying to separate. When he got home he got in a pattern of making no effort. He would come home and play video games and we would have sex, and then wake up the next day and do it again. No spark. We broke up because I had a pretty traumatic life event and he did not seem to care. We met up a month later where he gave me back my stuff, and broke down crying on how miserable his life has been without me. Of course I took him back, I loved this man SO much. Weeks later, one day out of the BLUE he declares he cant “do a serious relationship” anymore. And we had a trip planned a week from now, and he even met with my parents to apologize and say he would earn me back and their respect.

    I saw a counselor because of the mental pain I have been going through. I told him about my N’s huge ego, disregard for others and my feelings especially, and ability to leave me TWICE so cold and sudden and move on with life like its okay. My counselor pulled out the definitions of a narcissist and anti social personality disorder, which matched him to a T, give or take.

    I invested a lot in this person. He came from a underprivileged background. Most of his possesions were gifts from me, and his current career is with my familys business. I loved him so much. But now apparently this love was an illusion, which hurts so bad. I thought this was my soulmate. I just want to see if any of this sounds familiar. He matches every thing a narcissist is, but part of me is scared that I may be making this up…what if hes not?

    1. I fell in love, or so I thought with a younger ND. It was so much fun. She led me around as if I had a ring in my nose. One day she made a comment when we were on a walk about how great she looks in a certain pair of boots. I replied to it, “you’re so vein” and sang it like Carly Simon would have. She said, “Yeah I am a narcissist” , she then laughed. I didn’t think much of it until one day I asked her to meet me and she said she was late to work. i went by her work and she wasn’t there. When i called her back and asked her what the heck was going on she said to me, “I just don’t want to see you”. Almost screaming at me. Then my head started to rewind. I thought of the time she stood me up for a dinner I had grilled for her. I thought of all the times she was, “working”. I am not over it yet. I continue to put my life back together. It isn’t as simple for me as just dating someone. You see i am the guy, that I imagine there are a lot of in this world. I am the married man that has been married for 10+ years. When the ND came into my life, I was vulnerable. My marriage was not perfect. She knew I was an easy target and was very much the opposite of her. The ND directed the affair like a concert. It was dangerous, it was crazy and it was living on the edge. We lasted for more than a year, but I now bet there were other men at the same time.
      As a footnote, I told my wife the entire story. Even the ugly details. So far she is hanging in there, but it has not been a cake walk.

      1. Yes I was led by the nose also. I just wanted a companion in life as I was planning my retirement. The ND stalked me and completely consumed me with her evil way. I was blinded by love and only now can see the evil intent. It had destroyed my sole as I put my entire trust in her only to find she was a train wreck. Not one bit of empathy for me at what she had done, torn my life and dreams to treads. I was lucky as I saved my home and savings as that was her intent to get hold of that. The previous guy fell that same way.
        I am now dating a lady who has been a widow for 15yrs and it was like being raised from the dead for me but I am still bleeding out from the ND damage but not for ever.

    2. Do not question yourself, trust your gut instinct. I’ve dated a narcisist in the past and questioned whether or not he was really one or if I was imagining things. Until you’ve dated one, it almost feels like you were in a bad car accident that you don’t wanna believe actually happened. They have this way of brainwashing and manipulating that even when its over, you start to doubt everything. You are strong, I’m so happythat you were able to get out. Peace and Love.

    3. Yes, all of this is so true. I had no idea what I was truly dealing with because he was so cunning. I’m trying to forgive myself because I can’t believe I stayed. Anyway, fortunately, it was only for a year and a half. He left 3 months before we were supposed to get married. Had absolutely no emotion behind it. By no emotion I mean NONE. He would never respond regarding how he did me, however he has sent text and e-mails talking about how good I was to him (All of this just days after saying I was the worst person in the world). Oh, I also received an “apology”, which really wasn’t one (BTW, this was through text as well). I was dealing with a covert passive-aggressive. No specifics, just “I’m sorry”, the rest of the text was all about how he is feeling. So, he actually never admitted anything. Wow! the fact that people like this exist is an eye-opener. I mean I know about manipulation but this was a whole different level. Sadly, I just could never truly put my finger on what it was but what I do remember is that I often commented on…the lack of connection; wondering if he was actually attracted to me (I’m not insecure so this was bizarre); how he would not deal with anything; how he would blatantly lie even when the proof was right there (which was often, remember he communicated a lot through e-mail and text so it wasn’t even just my word against his). He would just say I wanted to argue. I often found myself seriously, literally scratching my head. For the first time in my life, I actually questioned my sanity. I have three degrees. This is not to brag but I’m stating that I’m fairly intelligent, so to second-guess what’s right in front of me was really strange. I just received an anonymous V-day text and I’ve been receiving private calls. I just want this part of my life to go away. My heart goes out to those who are in long-term relationships or marriages. I was saved and I will use this to help anyone else I can.

    4. Do you have any articles about how to co-parent with a narcissist that is actively smearing you? How do I help the children recover from the cognitive dissonance?

  39. Mine likes to revisit old flames. She has dumped them all in the past. She dumped me for one of them who wrecked his family to be with her, as she wrecked our family to be with him. All the while she said I hadn’t been aggressive enough for her and had bored her. She hasn’t had a job in 11 years.
    Now she’s got her sights on another old flame. Another one who had “bored her”. This guy is married with a great wife, great business, a great life, and at 67 years old probably looking forward to a great retirement. I pray to God he remembers her ways and politely rebuffs her. At 56, she is still a ravishing seductress, and I know she is making a play for him. Please pray with me that this man will be strong enough to resist her overtures- for to do otherwise would allow her to destroy the great life he leads right now. And pray for her, too, that she can finally realize her inner horrors, to seek out competent counsel, to come to terms with her condition, and to at last finally have some semblance of true joy in her life.

  40. The timing of my discard seemed to be set to inflict a lot of damage.

    It was 3 months into a long distance relationship with a guy who was very sweet, affectionate and talked about love and eventual marriage up until last the last time I saw him. I thought everything is going along just fine.

    Then the texts slow down, become colder and after I ask what’s going on, he calls and says he’s been “watching” me for the past 3 months and now that he knows the “real me” (huh? In a long distance relationship?), says I’m just too different (huh? We never had any conflict.) and that he needs to find someone just like him (huh again?). Then he changes his relationship status to Single so that everyone knows without any further discussion. He’d invited me to a friend’s party for the weekend after he called, I’d bought the airline tickets and given him the flight info a couple weeks prior to this occurring. But after the call I’m removed from the guestlist of the party. I would have stayed home, but I still have a bunch of stuff at his place (which he encouraged me to bring) that I have to get back. So I have to book a hotel room for the weekend, pay for taxis, food etc., which more than triples the cost of going. But he gave me my stuff Friday without showing any empathy for me at all.

    I kept trying to make sense of it by sending him a message on Friday and Saturday, trying to figure out if this is a misunderstanding, it’s cold feet or something else. But I’m essentially abandoned in his city until I finally hear from him on Sunday afternoon. When I remind him of the cost and effort I spent to get there due to his original invitation, and ask if we could have an honest conversation about what happened, he agrees. But it has to be short, after dinner and cocktails with his friends and I have to agree not to add any input.

    I replied that he hasn’t been showing me any respect (which set him off – He said that I was judging him.) and meeting to talk under those conditions would be a waste of time, and bid him goodbye.

    I called him on his behavior from the start and said that making a decision that affected both of us without saying anything to me ahead of time wasn’t respectful and said it again at the end – all labeled as judgment. Still doing it the week before a trip that I’d already committed myself to was pretty mean-spirited.

  41. Hi, came across your page and it hit home. I was discarded simply because I fail to act. I didnt assumed like she wanted me to, so she started the devalue face and I notice it so a few months later the discard came, just because I stopped giving or helping because I questioned her and that I felt it was a one sided relationship. 3 yrs and gone just like it never meant anything. But moving on and ahead. I have learned alot from this.

  42. My own mum & sister are the narcissists and i had to cut ties with the pair of them last Dec as it was making me ill.

    My sister is 3y younger than i am and grew up getting away with everything even talking to my parents as if their crap. I said to my dad, why do u let her talk to u like that? His reply was, that’s the way she is to which my reply was, no that’s the way that u brought her up allowing her to speak to u like that to which i received no reply as they know that i am right.

    I grew up with very severe atopic eczema (to which i still have) where i was bullied very badly throughout my School yrs. Then i would go home and both my mum (m) & sister (s) would taunt me. When my parents went out for a few hours, she would invite her pals round and literally take control over the house. She gave me a fat lip once having punched me in the mouth, threatened to glass me on the head with a glass bottle and also told everyone lies to make herself look good to which she admitted and still does having turned her husband, his family & their friends against me when i have barely said a sentence to them if any.

    A couple of years ago they eloped to which she told my parents to not tell me but my mum let slip that she was babysitting my wee niece as thty had gone to a wedding not realising that it was my own sister who had eloped.

    I found out a week later when someone informed me to look on a social media site. Mum told me, is it out in the open now? To which she later denied ever saying later down the line when my dad said to drop it as they found out at the same time that I did until i reminded them that my mother had slipped up and accidently told me.

    Their reply was that i was attention seeking and to stop making it all about me when i wasn’t. Even my bro-in-law told me that. My sister said i wasn’t worthy enough as a sister to be told and said her husband hated me when i haven’t done anything wrong to deserve to be disliked. My sister also turned around and said that she didnt care that I had been raped twice and misscarried my babies as a result of being sexually abused by a male that I knew when I was 17/18. My mum also liked to regularly taunt me that i had nothing to show for my life meaning that i am unmarried and childless at the age of 37 when she knows full well that i have been seriously ill since i was 20 and just bcos it hasn’t happened doesn’t mean that it won’t.

    My mum has informed that it was my fault that i got raped, had a miscarriage, i was sexually abused whilst at Uni by 2 female teachers to which mum told me that was my fault. When i used to visit home, she’d take 2 bits of meat out of the freezer for both her and my dad for their tea but would refuse to feed me unless i had bought it myself. That would start an argument between both my parents as my dad would stick up for me, if i wanted to go to the city as we live rural, she’d charge me petrol and lunch money knowing i wasn’t earning and she was, i suffer from a rare life threatening condition and i had just been discharged from the hospital a couple the previous day. If i get diarrhoea and vomiting, it can kill me. I asked mum to finish her shift to take me to the hospital as the meds wasn’t working and my organs were starting to shut down. My mum refused to finish her shift and chose her patients over me. I almost died. If i had of been admitted, none of my family would have visited and upon discharge, i know my mum would make up an excuse not to fetch me in the car preferring me to endure a 3hr commute consisting of 2 buses, a train and quite possibly a taxi over a 30 min ride in the car. I have been in and out of hosp and was in for 3 months as my liver was poorly. My friends asked if my family ever visit from scotland or ring me when i am ill to which i said No. When i was unfortunately made homeless back in 09-10, mum said i could only go home for 2 weeks then i was out on my arse. What sort of a mother sees her own child living on the street with no food and money. She said it was my fault that had happened. When i endured sexual harassment from drs who treated me, that was in her words, also my fault. When someone asked me on social media certain q’ns, i told them the truth to which she didnt like as ‘i was painting her in a bad light and to take the post down’ to which i refused.

    All of my drs and healthcare prof incl the friends that i do have have said that they are disgusted by the way my mum and sister treats me. Mum practically disowned me @ 23 and started treating me like this as i was supposed to marry a dr but ended it as he was abusive. Mum said i should have stayed with and married him as i had let the family down for ending it but i would much rather be with someone who treated me better. I will never forgive my family. I have lost many friends bcos of the way they treat me.

  43. Thank you for writing this article this has been my life for 3 1/2 years. This disc had faith has been relentless horrible torture for me and my family. I’ve been reading your articles all night inspired to stay strong.

  44. This article really hit a nerve. Mine discarded me during the pregnancy and birth of my youngest child (I have 4) – left us homeless, poor. He then paraded his new target to the court cases, boasting how happy he was. It was a total mind fuck. 25 years later, I’m on my feet and he shows his ugly face again. Does this ever go away??

  45. Wow you so hit the nail on the head for me that was my experience to the whole. I could not understand what I did wrong I was manipulated, used abused tormented, sexually abandoned and my name tarnished behind my back. I adored this woman and treated her like a Queen only to be treated like dirt in return. Thank you for helping me also as I am attending a Psychologist here at home in Australia. John

  46. I was with my N for 3 years. I also believe he was a sociopath. He did indeed break up with me several times right before holidays and planned trips and he would flaunt new women in my face right when he discarded me. He seemed to take delight in hurting me. He took pictures of me naked without my knowledge and threatened to send them to my client, he cheated with a multitude of women and would blame me when he got caught. He physically, mentally and spiritually abused me and gas lit me until I did not know my own reality and became suicidal. Each time he discarded me he would lure me back in. I finally walked away and exposed him and what he did to me to family and friends so I could assure myself I would never go back and still he texts me. You just have to give up on people like this, there is no treatment and they will destroy you. They are never going to get better and it is not our fault, we are good enough they just want the things we possess in our hearts and they will never possess it, they will die empty, hollow shells of the people they are.

  47. Hi My Psychologist said that these people circle and will turn up at the least expected times in your life. When you think you are rid of them they bobup 6 months later. The only way to be rid of their manipulation is to discard them from your life all together. They do not exist, their is nothing in their entire being that will change them from what they are. Your pain is their life blood they thrive on watching you crawl grovel and beg for their love the way you give your whole self to them. They are not capable of anything except evil. And I agree with what you have said they end up with only themselves in the end.

    1. That is exactly what my counselor told me. We feed them their ego kibbles , their life line. Without those kibbles they have absolutely no control and power over us any longer. Once I filed for divorce , cut of all contact , changed my phone no and emails I became immune against his insults , his abuse. I am no longer his supplier but at the same time it gave MY life back. My sanity and my peace returned. Now over 3 years later I look back and not regret one thing about this divorce. But at the same U am aware that ANY contact with him would send me back into the drama, chaos, craziness and I will NEVER go back there. The characteristics and traits are cast in stone. They will never change. The 3 plus years of successfully detachin myself , rebuilding my life and gaining strength and power have made me a strong woman. Also in other areas of my life u find myself more in control than ever before. Him devaluing and discarding me after 20 plus years was a compliment to me it showed that I got too strong for his bullshit lies and betrayals and affairs. Staying strong is my new motto and nothing he could say or do would let me go back. I will not deal with the devil again. I slept next to him for decades and I am grateful I am finally out of this darkness. As for him he can date , have sex with who ever he chooses. I annoy a part of this any longer. I would like to mentio my son is 22 years old and I cannot imagine sharing minor children with a sociopath. My son and I cut of all contact with the ex so we can live in peace. Anyone can be a father but I sure know that my ex could never be a dad that’s loving and caring. A person capable of walking out on a family is not a dad. A person capable of intentionally inflicting pain on his family is not a dad. So I wish him and his minion a great life but since he only loves himself he will always be searching for something he will ever find. Very sad but not my problem anymore.

      1. I was involved with what I thought was a man who (I found out at the end) had a gambling addiction but am quite sure he’s a sociopath with a gambling addiction. He left me without any explanation but owed me a lot of money that he claims he lost gambling. He was starting a business and the ruse over time was unreal. This was the man I was going to grow old with. ..you all know the story. I found out later there were multiple other women that he took in and took money from. Of course he says he only loved me and whored himself to get money to feed his addiction from the other women. I stopped contact with him 8 months ago but found out he is paying back another woman some money monthly because she took him to court. I have confronted him and he claims he will pay me back but I am afraid of the constant contact and inevitable excuses etc etc. Is it worth it to associate yourself with this evil lying manipulative person again. I am really struggling with this. I know it will be a constant energy drain and/or expensive court fight. It’s a lot of money but not totally financially devastating. I just feel so on edge and all the pain and grief I have gone through is bubbling back up. I want peace and I believe I might be better off writing the money off as a bad debt and keeping my head and heart intact…I’m supposed to meet him today. It’s causing me so much anxiety.

  48. I was with my narc for 2years The love bombing became the devalue then the discard. I am sorry to say that I took him back numerous times but the last time really was the last time for me. Any love I had for him just evaporated the lies, the silent treatments, the I loves you, the whole circus for me had to end and I have put an end to it. He still tries every fortnight to Hoover me back but I would rather stick pins in my eyes that have him back in my life. You have to stay strong and I know how hard that is but for your own sanity you have to. These monsters do not know when to stop. Love yourself and get rid Marilyn 🙂

  49. I really would like to know how these ND come off as being so kind? They’re not but attorneys, judges and family and friends feel like they’re the ones who were slighted….by us??? The narc in my life destroyed any self confidence I had and took everything from me when he dumped me for another person. After years doting over me and telling me how much he loved me. ..he loved me to the bone. That’s what he told his therapist…who responded with an “AWE that is so romantic!” That therapist made my life a living hell by being my narc’s accomplice in crime. A female therapist who was married and mature but as uninformed as can be… She actually told the NP to beware of me because I was very intelligent. I think she was alluding that I was the narcissist???? Unbelievable!!!! Therapists are suppose to help not ruin ppl’s lives?

    1. I feel the same way. My marriage therapist completely sided with my narcissistic ex husband and made me feel like a mentally insane wife. All the while he was lying to her and manipulating her . I often apologized during therapy sessions and felt even worse leaving her office. My only hope and rescue was a criminal defense attorney who also handled divorces. The first time I talked to him I knew I had an advocate. A warrior by my dude who fought for my interests and financial future. My ex could not fool him and the judge sided with me and my attorney. Therapists are mostly not helpful or beneficial when dealing with narcissists. And in reality there is no therapy for them. The only thing you can do is run and go no contact and iniated and go through with divorce proceedings. It is like going to war. You need strong legal counsel on your side. Otherwise you will lose out because they have ways to twist and turn the truth. In the end they are the victim. I thank God every day for my strength and power I gained throughout this ordeal. Life us good again and I I am happy and at peace. And it shows in my appearance. Before I looked haggard angry and sad. Now I am “glowing “. I wish you the best and don’t rely on therapists. In my experience i would have been better off without counseling. At least not with the husband there.

  50. I enjoyed the article tremendously- it’s incredibly accurate. The unbelievably predictable nature of narcissists never fails to amaze me, so specific are the examples of their bad behaviors in any kind of a high quality observation of them. After being raised by two rather disordered Cluster B-ish parents, and living with a galloping N for about 6 years too long, I’ve noticed some things, too, about their tendency towards outright cruelty at the worst times…

    …and I think that a large part of it is because you won’t be free to devote yourself exclusively to their well-being if you’re down for any reason.. How can they be expected to function if you’re not going to do everything for them? Who, exactly, is supposed to hand-wash their angora socks if you’re selfishly lying in bed all day? Obviously, you’re nothing but a lazy jerk, and they’d do better to find a new housekeepe…erm, beloved romantic partner who actually cares enough about them to show it by not becoming ill with anything while they’re needed.

    Plus, god forbid, you may need them to do something. Oh hell. Sick, depressed, and stressed people have special needs, and dealing with a loved one in such a condition is taxing even to the most compassionate of individuals. So, if a narcissist cannot even make a decent stab at treating you acceptably under the best of circumstances in normal life, then forget times in which you would truly have to come first, for real. To put someone else ahead of themselves for any sort of prolonged period is practically an anathema to narcissists, and simply doesn’t happen without an ulterior motive. If you find yourself in need of any kind of assistance, the narcissist is the last person to whom you ought to look at such times. It doesn’t matter if you sponge-bathed them in bed, Mary Magdalene-style with your own tears and hair, while they recuperated from the flu and berated you all the while for exposing them to it because they were forced to cheat on you with some sniffling tramp, they won’t remember it. When the shoe is even remotely near the other foot, they’ll accuse you of faking cancer for sympathy in the event that you, say, need some hydration that would require them to go all the way down to the convenience store, all of half a block away, and they were planning to go for themselves anyhow. Just the thought of having to do anything for someone is terrifying to them, and they are certain that your intent is to somehow exploit their kindness and do to them exactly the very things that they do to you each and every day, which they are always on the lookout for someone attempting to do.

    I have had extensive experience with this very thing, and it is purely awful. Disheartening, defeating, and enough to make you question your own self-worth, because this peculiar phenomena is the absolute antithesis to what people are supposed to be and supposed to do if they’re even reasonably moral humans. It confirms all of the fears you have about being able to depend on your partner, and sucks the life from you as you wonder what will become of you in the event that you are totally unable to care for yourself and have no one else, because the bastard narcissist has run off every member of your family and any friend that isn’t primarily devoted to them.

    I had the misfortune of contracting Lyme disease after a year or so with the narcissist. I have always enjoyed caring for anyone around me who wasn’t well, including him, and fussed over him like nobody’s business at the first moan or groan of discomfort. When I got sick, we were always traveling and on the go with his business functions, and I was worn ragged already just from that, because he certainly didn’t worry about packing bags or taking care of a thousand little details that would just be overlooked if I didn’t attend to them, and I’d have to be the one bitched at for it not being done, so it was easier just to practically be his mother, even though he was 20 years my senior. When I could not stand for the duration of the time that I cooked Thanksgiving for his family, and spent half of it with my arms on my knees, humped over in misery like a winded runner trying to breathe, I finally told him flat-out that there was something badly wrong with me. He looked at me coldly, and snarled, “well, go to the doctor, then, and fix it. But don’t expect me to baby you…I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you besides pure laziness because you just don’t ever want to clean up after yourself.”

    After the visit, and the doctor telling me that she was certain that I had Lyme, he found an excuse or reason to prevent me from future scheduled visits, blood work, or following the schedule of home treatment protocols, whether that meant black eyes that I was too embarrassed to explain, to ‘accidentally’ dumping out or discarding expensive vitamins, while pretending that he wanted me to go to the doctor and outright nagging me constantly about it, but only when nothing could be done, like the middle of the night or on weekends. Stress is the equivalent of death for autoimmune conditions and bad for anyone, but he went to great pains to ensure that I had nothing but in my life. Lyme causes tremendously painful cold intolerance, so he locked me out of the house regularly in the winter. If I had a splitting headache, he cranked the stereo. I sustained a broken femur, upper arm, 2-3 ribs, nose, various fingers and toes, and numerous split lips, black eyes, cuts and bruises, due to the pre-osteoperotic nature of Lyme, and the fact that I made the mistake sometimes of asking him to give me a break because I was feeling so poorly. Any request for leniency in any capacity inevitably ended in violence and abject cruelty in some form or another. At one point, he looked me in pure disgust, and asked, “how much fun do think that it is to be with someone who’s sick all the time?”.

    Probably no less fun than to be with someone who is a sick person’s nightmare. But, because I wasn’t perky enough for his taste in those days, he started cheating on me with basically anything that walked, including but not limited to the girls he hired to help me with the house, the ones that he referred to as “dumb white trash”, and forced on me as pseudo-friends because they would report back to him, and at times they and other people he appointed as emissaries were the only way that I could contact him. He would start fights to have an excuse to have to leave the house, and made me look crazy to the world at large, telling everyone around us that there was nothing wrong with me at all, that I was malingering for psychiatric reasons. I contracted the flu, double pneumonia, and bronchitis one winter when his cheating was at its pinnacle, and he was rarely home. By then, I was starved down to around 100lbs, and my optimal weight is around 130…you could count my ribs from across the room, and I grew anorectic baby-fuzz hair all over, and I’m sure that I developed various malnutrition-related issues. He didn’t come home for 11 days that time, refused to answer my pleading calls for him to come home or find me a way to the doctor, while I lay there with a fever of 103 or more for days on end, hallucinating and miserable, without anything to eat and barely able to walk. When he came back, he acted as if nothing was wrong, and I was even happy to see him because it meant a better chance of survival. He pretended to be worried and was actually somewhat kind to me for a few days…until a letter came in the mail, as he knew it would, from his attorney, telling me that I had 10 days in which to get my stuff together and be out of his life, or he would take out trespass charges on me. I had sold my home and given up my job because he wanted so badly to support me, and then he did that, when I was as weak as a kitten and already sick before, with nowhere to go. Any alimony-type funds would only be allotted to me after I had moved out, not a cent before, and it wasn’t his problem that I lacked the ability to have a place to even put my stuff. A huge catch-22, and for several weeks before this happened, he’d been redoing “his” bedroom, which he kept locked and yelled at me for even going near. And then dropped the whole thing, as suddenly as it had begun, and started asking me what kind of furniture I wanted to have in there. I found out later that it was because the new girl he was moving in got arrested and was jailed for awhile, so he acted as if he had re-thought it all, and had a change of heart.

    She’s actually my best friend now, and is still with him, to her detriment. I like to think that he knows trying to do to her what he did to me won’t fly this time, and it has actually gone better for her, somewhat…I only wish that I’d had someone on my side, who fully believed me when I was there. There was so much more, so much awful misery and unfairness and general wrong-doing on his part. No lie was too big, nothing too audacious to make people believe about me, and nothing was too good for him. He had me arrested when I found him in bed with his drug dealer’s 20 yr old girlfriend at his lakeside camper, and falsely another time for an assault on him that I didn’t commit as payback for getting caught breaking my arm. He was arrested numerous times from people seeing him hit me, but I stopped even being honest to the police, because that always got me punished for a longer period anyhow while he pretended to respect the restraining order, knowing that I had no means of my own, and that he wasn’t going to stay out of the house any longer than he wanted to. It was a life of extreme ugliness, shame, helplessness, loneliness, despair, and hopelessness. I was isolated alone to a point of still being agoraphobic, and I lost my looks, independence, family, friends, home, car, sanity, and health to it. I nearly lost my life to him, and he promised many times that he would make me kill myself.

    The moral lesson here is not to look to the narcissist as a nurse, no matter what, because they will most definitely make you sorry for daring to think that you deserve any crumb of their precious time or resources. In fact, don’t look to the narcissist as anything but a narcissist, unless you’re a massive masochist and don’t enjoy anything in life but pure suffering. If that’s the case, then that’s the man for you.

  51. Thank you, this article is indeed very helpful.
    I could not agree more and even had to smile a little when i’ve read this :”Flaunting a new “supply” or relationship in your face just days or weeks later is their coup de grâce. Emotionally healthy people would feel too ashamed or embarrassed to publicly jump into another relationship so quickly. The narcissist doesn’t. Not in the least.”
    Sadly to me this sounds very common.
    I really was trying to wrap my head around why he is acting this vicious towards me.
    To me it seemed to be a totally unnecessary and hateful act.
    Seriously- THANK YOU, now I understand it.

  52. My wife left me while I was under anesthesia having an operation. Can totally relate to this article. Brilliant. Well done. I am not alone. Going through a divorce now. 👍.

  53. I was subjected to the most vicious and vilest attacks when I was in emergency surgery all day after crashing my motorcycle early in the morning. The root cause of my crash was my confused and unclear mind, I was upset because of the horrible things that my predator had said to me the night before. I never told him this, instead I apologized for making him upset!

    Now I have his scars on my heart and my body. Whenever I look at my broken and disfigured left hand I see his empty soul and vacant eyes laughing back at me with a sickly sardonic grin.

  54. In my case I was in the psyche ward after a bad breakdown. I was working two full time jobs trying to keep up on our house bills, Christmas and his mom. When the conditions of the house was horrendous. He took the kids and fled to his moms. Then he expected me to clean the whole thing alone. He then kept asking when I was leaving because it’s only fair I sleep on the couch. I ended up in the psyche ward. It was there that he told me he cheated on me and wanted a divorce. He kept saying I gave him permission. I was so tired and depressed thanks to his constant cutting remarks. I was not in the right state to consent to anything. I was then asked why I was hurt when I never loved him. Yet for 10 years I was made to feel like he hated my guts. Then he would want to be intimate or suddenly remember our anniversary. Yet I was the abusive one that deserved to get cheated on.

  55. The first time my N discarded me i was shattered into a million pieces. I was so in love and he had taken me to meet his family in another continent! While there, i was introduced to everybody, friends and family in equal measure. Parties were thrown for me so” i could meet” more and more friends and family… now i know it was his show. I am more educated than him and he was boasting to them that he has a highly educated woman…. i was a bit perplexed by his boasting and even change of walking style in front of his friends… It was a perfect fairy tale. In front of them i got anything i wanted and even more….. but when we were alone, he was exhausted and tired. But still we had incredible sex. After we came back he boasted to our common friends about how we were amazing together…. telling them its just a matter of time before he proposes. Everyone was jealous of this match made in heaven. He even threw another party on Saturday for a few friends to let them know we are back and share this story of his family amazed by me and how he knows am the perfect woman. That Saturday we had amazing sex. On Sunday he was cold, and we were tired anyway…..On Monday morning before i left for my town, he told me he was not attracted to me anymore. He said he even wonders what he had seen……….. this was a shocker!!!!
    That is how i discovered NPD… i was looking for answers… i needed a closure. On Wednesday, he had another woman on his profile picture….and announcing his new found love.
    After two weeks he came back crying and lamenting how he was sooo stupid to leave his perfect woman (Me). He begged me to come back…. he said he would do anything under the sun to have me. Your guess is right, i fell for him again. It is two months since then and the devalue has started…… he is chatting with over 5 women and he thinks i have not noticed…..and from the chats he sleeps with them all. …. Last weekend i noticed he signed up on a dating website and is a paying member…… and still telling me the sweet nothings.
    I need to break off…..but dont want him to know i checked his tablet and saw all these communication. But I am done.

  56. “Your mind may be able to travel to hateful and horrible places, but your conscience will not allow you to pack your suitcase and follow suit.”

    That is a fantastic and revealing thought. The damage is done BECAUSE sometimes the conscious by its very nature makes it difficult to believe another human does not have one. Empathy is the first human trait, and there’s often not enough nurture in the best environments to overcome the absence of this core element to retrieve the person from a destiny of evil. It’s all relavent. She did to me what Hitler did to Europe. In every way.

  57. I was in a relationship with narcissist for more than a year. We were sexually involved and also we were in a live in relationship.when I talk about maaraige he slipped away from me kind of phasing out and broke up with Ms on my birthday. I begged him and pleased him to celebrate this day with Me but he lied to me and also he completely disregarded my feelings. He owed me a lot of money as well which he never returned. I kept in calling him while he was making excuses and kept on lying to me about money. One day I called him 6 times he didn’t pick up my call. After exact 3 months he called me for his fake apology but he didn’t want to get back together. He was not at all shameful and also he was blaming everything on me and after a month I found out that he got married. I m still wondering how anyone can forget what someone has done for them and why he felt the need to apologise if he was getting married??

  58. Been with this narc for 16 years. First devalued & dumped after 6 years then back together after 10 months. Now 10 years later here we go again. I wish I could say it was easy locking the door behind him, but it’s been the most difficult 3 months of my life.

  59. New Year’s Eve party, the excuse for the abuse was a comment made in October. Narcissists suppress these rages until it’s convient to explode into the monster state.

    This monster state is shocking, cold detachment & calculated attack, without apparent triggers. The hairs on your neck protect you, fear kicks in paralysing you before you are safe to slip out of the monsters life.

    It’s easy to understand serial killers after this sort of abuse, you are emotionally gutted, beheaded and their is pleasure taken, by deliberatky causing indescribable trauma the narcissist is happy.

  60. This is one of the best articles on narcissists I read so far. It almost entirely explains how my ex-husband behaved and how he continued to behave with his new supply. I’ve always kept quite, even when I know I could perhaps have sunk him. But a good friend told me to leave it; that in time the people around him would know the truth, including his family AND her family and friends who think he’s such a lovely, charming and fun guy. Yes, he’s totally embedded in her life now with all the benefits he acquired (user comes to mind). But that’s her problem now.

  61. I really like the way you are so interactive with your commenters!
    I truly feel that the only way a therapist can fully grasp the gravity of the psychology behind the control these narcopaths can have over people is to have experienced it themselves at some point in their lives. If this is your case, I’m happy that you have survived and thrived so well.
    I find it most cathartic to help others like me who have been through this. I think my narcissist left me sicker than she is.

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